Stepping Away from The Traumatic Cycle of Grief: An Alternative View.

This time last year I had a friend of mine pass away. I was aware of her being missing in the morning and with a full day of work ahead, I knew that I just needed to know - was she alive or was she dead?

I'm highly intuitive (and no that's not a brag, it's a skill I've practiced and got good at) and I asked for the answer.

It was clear: she was at peace.

It wasn't until I sat down after a day's work, turned on my phone and received "real" confirmation that she had gone, that the grief hit.

Dark, mucky, heavy grief. The kind that makes your body ache and tremble uncontrollably.

The waves that hit me from that day onwards, were enough to make me feel sick to the stomach and double over. I thought that it would all be over, once I said good bye to her, formally at her funeral.

But it wasn't.

For about 6 weeks after her death, I felt a dark cloud hanging over me. I felt almost paralysed getting out of bed to start the day and at night I dreaded falling asleep.

The air felt thick, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight and I was terrified about the future.

It's like her fear had entered my life.

I dreamed of her and she gave me messages to pass on (which I was far too wierded out to do).

I thought I was going crazy. It wasn't after I talked to a good friend, who told me of a little ritual to let her pass over.

Taking Her To the Light:

• Bring your loved one into your memory and hold a vision of her in your mind's eye
• Invite her loved ones who have passed over to gather around her
• Imagine a beam of light that connects him/her to the Universe and let her know it's okay to go.
• Allow her to travel up this beam of light and off this planet with her loved ones comforting and guiding her.

This simple ritual, snapped me out of my weeks of heavy, fear. My mind became clear, I could see the world through the lens of optimism again. I felt like me again!

This year, leading up to the anniversary of her passing, I felt these familiar pangs of dread coming up. I wasn't keeping an eye on the calendar for the exact date, but I just KNEW it was when she passed.

As I sat on the couch the other night, I felt a switch in the veil of reality. One moment, I was in my cosy lounge enjoying the warmth and the home my partner and I have created.

The next moment, that same room, felt cold, my mind spiralled into the darkest thoughts, the fairy lights were uninviting - a bad attempt at making "happy" in a world that wasn't.

I literally had to shake it off before I could return to "my" reality.

What this reminded me of is the concept of multiple concurrent realities - realities happening at the same time.

More importantly it reminded me that we truly are the creators of our reality. The picture is the same. The 3D-ness of our physical space is the same. But our perception can change the entire story.

There are many ways we are told to handle grief and trauma. One of the many useful ways I have found is letting the feeling be felt through. Basically, dig into those feelings and let them go (you can check out my article talking about the process here in regards to anger) .

But when it comes to recurring events that trigger trauma or highly emotional responses, then rewriting the script is essential in my opinion.

Like an anniversary of someone passing away: this recurring memorialisation of death can be a beautiful empowering experience.

Or not.

If what is being memorialised is the grief we felt, we effectively trigger our painful, traumatic emotions, year after year.

My mother said once "don't feel guilty for feeling happy". With grief, it can appear disrespectful to enjoy life again especially around anniversaries.

I'm no expert in this field, but that sounds like exactly what we must do. Flip the script. Remember the good times and leave behind the pain in the past, where it belongs.

We are so good at storing our pain inside us and it can become an addictive cycle to experience that pain over and over again.

When we do this long enough, those neural pathways in our brain, get stronger and stronger. It becomes addictive, not because it feels good, but because it feels familiar and familiar is safe.

It's clear that it is unhealthy to not allow those feelings to to be felt. Just do a google search on trauma and health consequences and you come up with a plethora of articles talking about the physical and psychological effects of unresolved trauma.

And changing the emotional story that we hold with that memory is especially important to get out of the cycle of grief and pain.

Some call it rewriting your past Akashic Records. Some call it Trauma Re-patterning. It's the same intention: to rewrite our past (emotional) story and change our present behaviour to reflect how we wish to live, now.

Today, the sun is shining in my part of the world and I'm choosing to remember the laughter, the joy and the beauty that were in those moments with my friend.

I'm not going to lie and say there will be no tears - I grieve for her and for all her friends and family she left behind.

But today and onwards, I choose to go forward without fear and anxiety hitting me year after year on her anniversary. I choose to step away from the trauma cycle and rewrite my memory of this time - in my mind and in my very cells.