Understanding your reaction to trauma is going to be complex. There are a lot of confusing emotions to sort through. Much of the healing process can't be rushed through and just requires some time before you move onto the next stage.
One problem that survivors have is with splitting. Splitting happens as a response to the trauma and can make one separate the person they were before the trauma and the one they are after the trauma. Splitting is also “a very common ego defense mechanism. It can be defined as the division or polarization of beliefs, actions, objects, or persons into good and bad by focusing selectively on their positive or negative attributes.” ([https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201203/self-deception-ii-splitting]). My words of advice to survivors are, “Remember the good in you.” The part of you that makes up all of who you were before the trauma is not gone. You may turn yourself into good parts and bad parts but one of the keys in healing is learning to integrate the two.
Because of trauma, survivors tend to split their psyches into two very different realities. There’s the part of them that was innocent, pure, and “all good” before the sexual assault, and then there’s the part of them that is tainted by the trauma and feels “all bad.” Childhood sexual assault causes lifelong struggles that the survivor has to face. Quite often the survivor of the assault is not believed or is blamed in some way. Sometimes the story of the assault will somehow be revealed to family members or caregivers who will deny that the abuse occurred. This causes more harm to the victim because they were denied the healing that needed to begin immediately.
In my case, first I wasn’t believed, then I was accused of making it up, and then I was silenced because my father thought that my uncle who abused me should not go to jail. I remember him yelling in my face, “Do you want him to go to jail?” At the time I was so confused that I didn’t know what I wanted. I was only eight years old so how could I know? I remember my father yelling that I couldn't tell anyone because he didn’t want my uncle to go to prison and die there. I didn’t really understand because I thought that people who did bad things went to prison. I thought that my father should protect me and not my uncle. It broke my heart. My own parents failed to protect me. Even back then I knew that what happened to me was very wrong.
I remember the feeling of shame and guilt that came over me. I felt like I had done something incredibly wrong and that it was all my fault. I didn’t know exactly what I did wrong, and I couldn’t really make sense of it, but I felt like there was something incredibly wrong with me. I felt like I was deeply flawed and forever tainted. I felt like outsiders would be able to see my flaws. I didn’t feel this way before the trauma. I felt mostly happy and generally good about myself before any of that happened to me.
My father turned into someone who was even more physically abusive towards me and had violent outbursts that literally scared the piss right out of me. After the trauma, I realized just how dysfunctional my family actually was, and it made me hate myself even more as I got older. It became more and more difficult to keep the good in me alive because I felt like my inner light had been snuffed out.
It’s incredibly important that survivors of trauma realize that the trauma didn’t actually separate them from the good person that they were before. There is still a good person deep inside of you who got deeply hurt, and it wasn’t your fault. It may feel unsafe to come out sometimes but in time, you will learn to feel safer, have better support, and will form reasonably boundaries. Healing can happen. You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Be aware that PTSD from trauma is a very real thing so if you’ve been in silence for a long time, please seek professional help. You shouldn’t have to suffer so much for something that wasn’t even your fault to begin with. Look up the symptoms of PTSD and see if you have any of them. You might find relief in knowing that you're not actually crazy for everything that you feel but rather have a diagnosable condition. You just may have been traumatized, and finding out is good because it means you can heal.
There are many resources online for getting survivors of childhood trauma the help they need so they don't have to suffer the consequences of what was done to them forever. Find those resources. Be your own advocate and start right now. The sooner you take action to heal yourself, the sooner you'll be released from the symptoms that hold you back in life. Don't lose hope. There really is a way out of the darkness.
#metoo
About the Creator
Stacy Davenport
I own Serista Wellness, LLC and feel passionate about topics related to health and wellness, politics, women’s rights, the LGBTQ+ community, chronic illnesses and social change.
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