Silence

Orange slices. Pear. Fruits I love. Stories like The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. Music playing through my ear buds. Silence...

The silence. That kind of silence where you only hear cars passing by. Or the racket of the old air conditioner. Today's silence is a little different. It has the light pitter-pat sound of the rain on the rooftops and through the drains.

The upstairs neighbors stop through their apartment leaving with the echoing sounds of their feet and moving furniture. I brace for when the furniture falls. Things are noisy, but people are noisier.

I ache for my own house again. I ill from being homesick so much it has brought me physical aches and pains to the point of almost being bedridden on my only day off. I sucked it up and try to not let that happen though. I stretch. Ache. Stretch some more. Ache some more. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. every day of the week.

My goal. Hmmmm... I am working towards a lot of things right now. Self-confidence, weight loss, my certification in herbal medicine, starting up my business in art somehow, so much to do. I almost feel like it is just to keep busy, so I do not stagnate. So, I do not feel like I am not doing anything to better my situation or myself.

I stay up past when I need to be asleep to get my 8 hours because my brain never stops thinking. It is never done with things. I had quite a strange thought conversation with myself the day before yesterday. This is kind of how it went:

See something on the road I could easily fix on the road, like cones or something. 'Could have my mom pull over so I can fix them.' Think about how that would go. 'Might be late for work though.' Think about road construction work briefly then move on to something completely unrelated like work currently and much money I could make writing as a profession. Then I think about a song and it plays in my head briefly. Songs are funny actually; it plays in my head as if it is on the radio. Certain verses will repeat. And then there is nothing. Just the silence. It stretched on for a deafening moment before my mom would break it and start talking. I do not remember what about. But that is how it always was. I just do not remember.

My time at home and at work usually consists of just either working or well, working. Or while at home relaxing after work. I do not go anywhere. I do not do much except work, clean the apartment, relax, maybe talk to a few friends (which are very few, to be completely honest), or I just sit, and watch shows or read. Seems like a lonely life, right?

It can be if I let it be. But I just stay busy to keep my sanity. Mostly, I think. When I was a cashier I would kind of try to find anything to do when I was bored out of my mind. I would make a list of things to do to stay busy while it was a slow night. And when it was busy, I would have no time to do anything. I hated being a cashier though. People came to me and would ask me to do things that were literally illegal for me to do. Or they would ask me to do things that they could just as easily done themselves. Or even ask me to do things that was actually the manager’s job to do. It was all ridiculous in my opinion. The thing I hated the absolute most was having to work so much because someone else took off for their shift or called in sick when they were not really sick. I hated being the person called for backup. I never got a single raise for being so reliable. I was terminated about a month later.

That chance, that opportunity gave me a different kind of job. I am just as reliable at this job as I was at the last. I get paid more. And there are better benefits. Well, the last job did not even offer benefits at all actually. It is more physically demanding at this other job and I can have the rest of the day to do what I need. I feel since I started this job that I have less time to do everything I need or want to do. But I have fun at my job at least. I have made a few friends. And I have a lot of acquaintances I talk to or wave at. It is nice to have a few friends.

I feel like in recent months I have become very antisocial because of where I work. Maybe for the fact that I talk to so many people all the time that I am just drained and want nothing to do with anyone else for the rest of the day. It is curious what the human mind needs sometimes.

I suppose I am reserving myself for those active, actual, genuine friends. I can afford that, right? I have the time and the patience for it I believe. But the silence, it can be so deafening sometimes that I find myself sitting in it for long spans of time thinking about so much. So many thoughts. So many thoughts that turn into depression and then I find myself in The Void.

Those of you with depression know what The Void is. It is that ever stretching, ever deafening silence and sea of no emotion and all the emotions that could wash you away till there is nothing left but a husk of the person you used to be.

I have that.

It is great guys; you should try it. (Sarcasm switch on.)

No. It is horrendous. An all-consuming nothingness feeling. But that does not mean that it makes you suicidal. Especially if you have an anchor for your sailing husk of a human soul.

The silence can be a comfort factor as well though. A healing waves. It is not all bad all the time. People with depression and anxiety, in my experience, tend to have too many thoughts all at once. Sometimes ending on a good note, not always a bad one to the point of suicide. But in my experience, asking if the person is okay even if you do not know them well, tends to make the depression much worse. Instead, buy them a drink or just give them a small gift. Something to literally let them know, 'Hey, I'm here when and if you need me."