Seen & Believed

CONTENT WARNING: Domestic violence, emotional abuse, sexual assault, gaslighting, manipulation, drug use, mental illness, family issues.

The 28th of May is LGBTQIA+ Domestic Violence Awareness day. This has only officially been running since 2020 and when I first heard about it I was in tears. It had taken a long time for me to feel seen. This day covers all kinds of domestic violence and the website presents statistics such as “1 in 2 LGBTQ people experience domestic or family violence in their lifetime” and “only 3 in 10 LGBTQ people who have experienced domestic or family violence have told someone about it”. A 2010 study by The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey shows that bisexual women and transgender people are most likely to experience domestic violence (Frieden et al. 2012)

As a queer woman with a strong interest in media representation, I have always fought for the privilege of sapphic relationships being seen in mainstream pop culture. While some media tends to focus on damaging stereotypes (that is a whole other can of worms) I don’t think it would be helpful to only portray queer relationships as sunshine and rainbows either. It is important to have three dimensional characters in three dimensional storylines - an accurate, well rounded and authentic representation of our community. This includes being transparent about the ugly parts eg. the existence of domestic violence within queer relationships. Carmen Maria Machado’s “In The Dream House” speaks of how stories of queer domestic abuse are unspoken and shadowed. The archive is scarce, not through a lack of history, but a lack of documentation. With this book, Machado vows to “speak into the silence” and she does. My heart soared as I pulled my own stories from those pages and I began to feel much less alone. We need to talk about it, and not only talk about it, talk about what to do about it. LGBTQ Domestic Violence Awareness Day is an incredible incentive. Awareness is awesome but I feel as though it is still not enough. Knowing about something awful without the ability to do something about it can be distressing at best. So I wanted to write about how to spot potential violent behaviours in a relationship and what you could consider doing about it.

When I was 20yrs old I was in a queer abusive relationship. Everyone around me could kind of see that it was unhealthy but struggled to see the severity of it. Partially because my partner was a girl, partially also because we were gay. We were together for only a year, but she was my first significant relationship, and the behaviour that I was exposed to was formative to my idea of what a serious relationship looked like. There are still bad habits, patterns, thoughts and behaviours that I haven't managed to shake. It is frustrating and saddening to still be affected by something that happened six years ago and even more frustrating and saddening to realise that I am one of the lucky ones who got away from it.

I have a fantastic support network, access to trained therapists and a safe environment to heal. In acknowledgement of that privilege, I feel that it is only right to share what I have learned. All of this information comes from my own experiences and everything I’ve learned along the way from people with similar stories. The advice may not work for every person/situation. Maybe one day I’ll write more about my personal story, but for now I’d rather put some information out there in the hope that I might make even one small difference to anyone in a similar situation to myself or my friends who watched me work through it.

First of all, here are some very tell tale signs of an abusive or unhealthy relationship:

• You are seeing much less of loved one and they are spending extreme amounts of time with their partner or alone
• It is hard to spend time with them away from their partner
• They can somehow always rationalise the poor behaviour their partner exhibits
• They have become scattered, lost confidence or become unsure of themself since spending more time with their partner
• They are irritable, uneasy, tired, jumpy - indicators that they are always alert
• They have lost or gained a significant amount of weight
• They no longer buy or do things they used to enjoy
• They suddenly have less money for everyday expenses
• They mention their partner when making decisions that shouldn’t involve or effect the partner

Why do people end up in relationships like this?

They don't know what a healthy relationship looks like: The most common and boring answer, like every psychological phenomenon, is that it comes from childhood. Likely, the relationships that they were surrounded by when forming their idea of one, were not healthy. Maybe their parents treated each other poorly. Maybe they were expected to do more than they were capable of or had to take on the parental role, so instead, they were caring for their parents. A person who ends up in an abusive relationship might not have been presented with any alternative - they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.

They simply don’t believe that they deserve or could find something better: (This could also be something that was drilled into them throughout the relationship) Maybe life has never lived up to their expectations so they don’t expect anything to ever be good. Maybe they are more comfortable being uncomfortable. Maybe they don’t long for something good in fear of losing it. If this is the kind of mindset they have, they are likely to have low self esteem and low standards on how they expect to be treated, making them vulnerable to uneven power dynamics of an abusive relationship.

Falling for potential: They may have spent too long putting others first or learning to give them the benefit of the doubt. They are naively optimistic or have too much empathy for someone with a rough story, seeing the potential in their partner and falling in love with the idea of what they could someday be, if only they had enough support from someone who cares for them.

A huge part of how I ended up in that situation was that someone very close to me was diagnosed with a mental illness that made her difficult to connect with sometimes. Growing up with her, I understood that some of her behaviour was not within her control. I learnt to make allowances for it, like you would with any disability. As I was getting closer with my abusive partner, who was displaying similar behaviour, this mentality was in the back of my mind. I wouldn't have wanted someone to leave my loved one for something that was out of her control, so I shouldn't do that to my new partner. It’s not her fault that she is unwell. What I didn’t understand was that my health, safety and comfort was just as important as hers.

As nice and as noble as my actions were, you cannot cure someone only with love. What both my ex and my loved one needed was professional intervention. The situation was bigger than all of us. I was unable to help her but she was able to make me worse. I was not capable of handling something so far beyond me. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Like in a plane crash, you should put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. A person’s first priority should always be themselves. If I had stayed with my ex, I very well may have died before I was able to make a significant difference.

How you can help

Reach out: A huge part of an abusive relationship is isolation. If an abuser hasn't picked someone who is already quite alone and isolated, they will often very slowly start to pull them away from all their close relationships. It can be exhausting, but if you really want to help, continue to reach out to your person even if they aren’t always receptive. Make your intentions clear and be explicit with how much you care for them or want to see them. It always, always helps to know that people are still there for you. It’s likely that the abusive partner has made them feel that no one likes or cares about them in an attempt to isolate them from outside support and connections - making them more dependent on the relationship.

It was only after I broke away from my abuser that I realised how valued I was in my community. My work friends never invited me out anywhere because they disliked her and assumed we were a package deal. My family had been waiting for me to “come home” to them. My once close circle of friends had been talking to each other about how worried they all were for me.

If I had known that the support was there, that people were waiting to catch me and that I wasn't nearly as alone as I thought I was, it would have been much easier to break away and I likely would have done it much earlier.

Be brave, be transparent - say something: Something that you might struggle to do but makes a huge impact is to openly comment on what you see in your loved one’s relationship. I’ve noticed that a lot of people keep out of it because they feel that it is not their place or business. However, people keeping quiet or keeping out of it allows it to continue. You don’t need to tell anyone what to do with their own life or relationship, but outside perception brings clarity.

Show them it can be better: If your loved one doesn’t open up about their relationship, lead by example and open up first. Talk about your relationships, romantic and platonic. Talk about how you handle conflict, how you look after each other, give them another example of what a relationship could look like. Give them the option to choose something better.

I was so far sucked into the world my abuser had created around me that I couldn’t trust my own perception. I was in an echo chamber, where the only feedback I was getting about our relationship was from her, telling me that all her behaviour was not only justified but deserved. Outside opinion is necessary to counterbalance this one sided argument. Tell your loved one what you see to help them clear the fog. This may help repair their trust in their own judgement and to alleviate the guilt they are feeling about things they never actually did wrong.

Everyone has a choice. You have the choice to either express what you see or not, and your loved one has the choice to take or leave the information you present them with. Just like with this article, I am communicating my truth and presenting you with information and advice that you can take or leave, depending on whether you think it could be relevant or helpful. From my experience, it is extremely helpful to be honest and transparent even if it is hard.

The most impactful thing that anyone has ever said to me came from my sister, who has a big and bold and brave personality - it paid off. Regarding me staying with my partner, she said,

“I want you to know that I don’t like her behaviour and I don’t think she is good for you, but whatever decision you make, I am going to back you 100%”

This created a safe space where I was always able to verbalise my experience and allow space for support and feedback. Although she didn’t agree with the way I was being treated, I never felt the harsh judgement from her the way I did from some of the other people around me. Judgement makes it difficult to talk about the relationship, but talking about what is happening is absolutely necessary to work through it and to avoid the opportunity for the abuser to gaslight. I felt like I was to blame for a lot that went wrong in our relationship. To then add that my friends thought I was stupid for not being able to see a way out and victim blaming me for not leaving was not helpful and did not encourage open communication.

Things to be aware of

Societal expectations differ for queer individuals and so typical behaviours also do. Queer relationships have famously had to be hidden and this makes it easier for queer abusers to keep their partners quiet. As women are growing up, we are socialised to be empathetic and aware of other people's needs and feelings. This could be used to an abuser's advantage. A study conducted by ARCHS in 2008 showed that out of 30 LGBTIQ respondents in Victoria, 78% of the abuse was psychological and 58% involved physical abuse. ( Leonard et al 2008) While my abusive partner never hit me, there were times where I wished she had, because even though I surely would have found some way to excuse that as well, it would have been much harder to hide or deny. My point is, physical violence isn’t the only type of abuse . Psychological, financial, emotional and sexual violence are prominent in abusive relationships. They are harder to spot and can arguably be more detrimental to a person's wellbeing.

Leaving an abusive relationship is scary and potentially dangerous. There will likely be a lot of hesitation and second guessing. It's always a good idea to have an action plan which, depending on the severity could include actions such as: cutting off all forms of communication, blocking accounts and changing privacy settings, resetting passwords, getting a new phone number, finding immediate rehousing with a trusted ally, communicating with close friends and family not to engage with the abuser, opening a secret bank account, knowing where to find emergency supplies, etc. Usually, when leaving an abusive relationship, you will lose some of your possessions. Be sure to know what needs to be taken before leaving and plan as though returning is not an option. You can never be sure what somebody is capable of, especially if you haven’t been exposed to this kind of behaviour before. It is always better to be safe than sorry and much better to laugh off being overly cautious than to regret not being cautious enough.

An abusive person doesn't always know that they’re abusive. They often see themselves as a victim and view defensive actions from a partner as a personal attack on their character or wellbeing. Expect an abuser to be unreasonable, irrational, defensive and hard to communicate with. What should be a constructive conversation often ends up being damage control for an explosive or manipulative reaction neither of you saw coming. Words will be twisted around. You cannot change this but you can try and be as clear and explicit as you can so that there is little wiggle room for misinterpretation. Most times, it is preferable not to engage at all. If you are speaking to a loved one who may be relaying information on to an abuser, be intentional about what you need to say. If you need something to stick in someone's head, ask them to look at you and remember what you are about to say. Repeat it if you need to.

Remember - At the end of the day, you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It is not your responsibility to save anyone. Although it is scary to watch someone go through something, if they are not receptive to help, you cannot force them to leave or improve their situation.

Through sheer luck, my most recent psychologist Courtney Krolikowski had an abundance of experience working with clients who had committed domestic violence. The session that I learned this was one of the most intense and helpful sessions of my life. She explained to me that a lot of perpetrators didn’t understand the impact of their actions. She gave the example of having to explain to someone that no matter what the item was, it could be a bottle or teddy bear, but if the intent behind throwing something at your partner is to intimidate or scare the them, then it is an act of violence and the effect it has on the recipient is consequently impactful. This was the first step towards accountability and positive change for this client.

I also learnt that there is a difference between saying someone can change and someone will or has changed. It may again be tempting to indulge in the idea of possibility but personally, I would never take this as a sign to reconnect with my abuser. A big part of finally taking the step of leaving for good was me realising that in order for her to have a chance of ever getting “better” she would have to feel the effects of a definitive break up, and the loss of someone she thought she could hold forever with this behaviour. It’s not worth putting myself at risk again, I can be happy for her from afar.

After someone leaves a DV situation:

My abuser and I broke up twice (well, twice for real, she used to “break up” with me every day but we’d find ourselves together again by sundown). The first time it was heated and fueled by frustration. I ended up crawling back. I was so codependent that I didn’t know how to survive in the world without her. I was emerging from Plato’s cave - everything was different to how I thought it was, and that was scary. I didn’t trust myself or my ability to adapt. I was lonely and in a moment of weakness I went back to her, and the cycle started again.

The second time, it had been a heavy weight I was carrying around for a long time. I had subconsciously done a lot of planning. I had two of everything. The items that I kept at her house were copies that I could afford to lose. Cheap work shoes, basic clothes. I had conveniently planned to move house later that week. We were having a conversation that was going in circles and there was a point that I realised that no matter how hard I tried it was always going to be like this. I left the house and I didn’t contact her for 24hrs - after this I called her to cut it off. I was at my parents house and she kept me on the phone while she took an uber to stand on the front lawn and beg to be let in. I was lucky that I had somewhere to go and people to look out for me.

After leaving my abuser, I was heavily seeking validation through a lack of boundaries, substance abuse, and risky sexual behaviour. I was trying to prove to myself that I could be wanted by other people. If anyone had tried to stop me I would usually push back in the other direction. It’s important to note that this is not uncommon. While you can’t stop or control this behaviour in someone else, you can make space for them to communicate where they’re at, what they’re doing and check in when possible. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to “save them”. Do what you can and let them do what they need to do to move on.

The departure from an abusive relationship is a huge feat and something to be proud of. It is also the beginning of the healing process. From here there is so much work to do and with community support and awareness it can be handled gracefully. Patience is the most important thing. Your loved one will likely be feeling guilt, anxiety, sadness, anger and grief. Their perception of the world will almost definitely be distorted and it is important to meet them with support, softness, kindness and clarity. Help them forgive themselves. Validate validate validate. It is difficult and painful to remember all the rough things you’ve gone through and after a breakup it is normal to want to remember the good times. Remind them, often, of why they couldn't stay. Bring reality back and show them that the outside world is a better place than they remember it.

It is also helpful for the decision to be reinforced by multiple people. Help your loved one be transparent about the situation. Though it may feel embarrassing for them to admit what they've been through, it is actually a huge celebration and show of courage to choose to move away from an unhealthy situation. Have a community of kind, patient and educated people to support both your loved one and each other.

When someone is triggered

If your loved one has been working through their experience for a while, they will likely be aware of when they are triggered and may already have a process in place to calm themselves down. Different things work for different people. Straight up ask them “Do you know what you need from me right now?” They might just tell you exactly what they need. If they don’t, you can try some follow up questions. The biggest thing to remember is that your person is feeling unsafe. You may be able to alleviate some stress by removing them from the situation or changing the environment around them.

VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT TOUCH THEM IF THEY HAVEN’T EXPRESSED THAT IT IS OKAY

Body autonomy is something that was often taken away from survivors of domestic violence. Be mindful of this and consider what else might be counterproductive before making rash decisions

Always ask before doing anything. Some examples:

“Can I touch you? Hold you?”

“Would you like me to sit with you or do you need space?”

“Would you like me to hold your hand?”

“Can I get you a glass of water/a blanket/tea/your phone/your pet/another comfort item?”

“Do you want me to play some music or TV?” Distractions can sometimes help pull someone out of their reactive state.

“Do you want me to turn it off?” Try to be aware of anything else within the surroundings that could be overstimulating.

Always speak calmly. If you are heightened, that will escalate the situation. If they are having trouble breathing, try breathing with them. Slow, deep breaths in and out. If the anxiety is climbing, you can try an anxiety coping technique such as the 5 Senses (Smith 2018).

After a while, each person who goes through something like this will begin to understand what the feeling is and how to fix it. Personally, I think of myself as needing to be grounded. I feel as though my mind is flying away from me and my thoughts are unrestrained. I often need a minute to remind myself who I am, where I am and that I am safe. I sit on the floor and feel myself in my body, breathing deeply until my thoughts have slowed down enough to catch. I have asked my most trusted people to let me voice all the “crazy” things I was thinking out loud - without judgement - and then to have them “logic it out of me”. Validate my emotions and try to understand why I am feeling the way I am, then explain the other side of the story. Be straightforward and practical.

Key takeaways:

Lead with kindness

Trust your gut

If you see something, say something

Be a stable and calming presence

Choose how much you want to take on - It is not your responsibility to heal someone

Here are some resources helped me feel less alone and that may better help you understand:

“In the Dream House” by Carmen Maria Machado

My current girlfriend leant me this book, knowing about my history. I often have trouble with concentration and reading due to my ADHD but this book is so well written and so relatable that I’ve been more determined than ever to get it finished. It is exactly the kind of content I needed to feel less alone when I came out of the relationship. Highly recommend.

Anna Akana on Youtube - Basically she pays forward everything she learns in therapy.

Music:

Kesha’s “Praying” music video and all the comments below it: Kesha - Praying (Official Video)

Montaigne’s “Stockholm Syndrome”, “Consolation Prize”, “Because I Love You”, etc

Hozier’s “Cherry Wine”

Sia “Bird Set Free”

Broods “Free”

And more in this Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/59T76CjV59KLBybp0YkmFP?si=09140bff8dc54cb7

Pride Counselling from Betterhelp

This is the quickest and easiest queer-friendly therapy service. So easily accessible which is important because it is extremely hard to get yourself to therapy when you’re really in need of it. You can sign up and be talking to a licensed therapist the next day. They also have the option to apply for low income payments, so you can get a discount if the full price of therapy is outside of your budget! (this has been a godsend for me)

It might also be handy to learn about attachment styles:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Reference list:

Ananias, M 2020, Abuse In LGBTQ Relationships | Causes And Cures | Good Relationships, Ananias Foundation, viewed 29 May 2022, < https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/abuse-in-lgbtq-relationships/ >.

Campo, M & Tayton, S 2015, CHILD FAMILY COMMUNITY AUSTRALIA┃INFORMATION EXCHANGE Intimate partner violence in lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex and queer communities Key issues.

Carmen Maria Machado 2020, In the Dream House, Serpent’s Tail, London.

Domestic Violence Awareness Foundation 2020, Home LGBTQ Domestic Violence Awareness Foundation, LGBTQ Domestic Violence Awareness Foundation, viewed 29 May 2022, < https://www.dvafoundation.org/ >.

Frieden, TR, Degutis, LC, Spivak, HR, Walters, ML, Chen, J & Breiding, MJ 2012, ‘The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation National Center for Injury Prevention and Control Division of Violence Prevention’, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

Smith, S 2018, 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique for anxiety, www.urmc.rochester.edu