Scattered Brain Cells and Scattered Goals

So bipolar and the spring equinox have an interesting relationship. Bipolar is sometimes considered a circadian rhythm disorder. Over the winter, the body produces more melatonin with less sun showing. As the sunlight increases in February and March, the leftover melatonin and the signal of extra light send miscues to the bipolar mind. It manifests in increased restlessness or other mood swings. Add the time change too. Not enjoyable for anybody.

The end of winter is also when many people experience burnout. They held out for several months, but their reserves have depleted. With the pandemic, many experienced burnout months earlier than usual. The increased burnout, fear, anxiety, and isolation led to more suicides and deaths of despair in 2020-2021. Hindsight is 2020, but many knew we didn't need such extreme measures taken in many places.

Last year, I had self-harmed multiple times from January to March, but this year has been better. I haven't self-harmed in six months! I believe I worked through more of my PTSD, have a better sleep schedule, and am not as isolated. I've been working with a health coach in addition to regular counseling. I also have more hope that vaccines work to mitigate the severity of COVID and we are dealing with COVID in a saner way.

It really helped that Utah opened up quickly and ditched mandates sooner. I know that increased some people's anxiety about ditching the mandates, yet it decreased many others' anxiety letting people choose their own precautions. For example, my oldest son with ADHD and anxiety has attended almost every day of school this year versus last year with the mask mandate when he attended only 1 or 2 days a week. The mask, isolation, and obsessive hygiene increased his anxiety manifest through stomach problems and self-isolation.

Now that I digressed, or did I have any point at all? Anyway, my restlessness and scattered brain cells have stayed somewhat intact. I've been able to work 4-6 hours a day, make a few dinners, and stay even-keeled. I only needed to increase some of my meds to cope with extra anxiety. So some scatter-brain is okay.

Lately, I have felt restless about finances despite my husband's income covering all our bills, plus a few hundred extra dollars to relieve debt. Still, I know we need to come out of more debt. Perhaps it is just my mindset because my parents struggled with debt when I was a teenager. With inflation, I feel the need to be as financially independent as possible.

I applied and have a second job lined up, but I debate my sanity in taking it. With spring fever, I feel I can conquer more until I burn out with illness like I have this week. I have a small cold, which I thought would go away quickly, but it has stuck. So I have been restless and tired. Not enough physical energy to do much, but enough mental energy to prevent sleep. Cue pulling my hair out. My sister is currently going through the same process.

So I hadn't heard from the second place about a job until ten days after I increased my hours at my current job (which ends in a few months). So now I can't commit as many hours to the second job. I wonder if I should just ditch the second job. But it would help us out of debt sooner and have some spending money for planned vacations.

I debate the effect on my sanity. When I take on more than I can handle, I crash and burn. It has happened almost every December and March since high school. Instead, I need to take moments of spiritual, physical, and mental recovery. That has been one of the repeated messages with my health coaching. Recovery and balance.

Truly I feel somewhat depleted because I haven't had much time to express myself creatively through writing and drawing. One day I would like to make a living from my creative endeavors. Mostly, I need these for my mental health. Drawing helps me recover. Writing helps me process the world around me.

So now to figure out a balance between family responsibilities, children, work, finances, household chores, fun, physical and mental health.

How do you find recovery? Is March hard for you because of burnout? Do you have the elusive secret to balance (not that I'd believe you)?

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