Saying Goodbye to Family

Note: This is an opinion piece.

I should begin this by saying that I value family very highly. I beleive that, when made up of the right people, a family can be the most valuable thing in a person's life. They provide love. They provide support. They provide comfort. The sad fact, however, is that where there are good and great families, there are also truly terrible ones.

Very recently, I had to separate myself from my family. They, sadly, fall into the category of "terrible". One thing I have noticed throughout the months since is that people naturally tend to accept the chaos and toxicity that family can bring into their lives, and they seem to believe that the title of "family" makes a person forgivable by default. I'm here to say that that's not true.

I have had many people tell me over these last few months that I need to forgive and move past the terrible things that have been done to me, said to me, or that I've had to witness, simply because the culprits were family. No one seems to notice the hidden hypocricy of saying such things, and I'll explain what I mean by that through the use of an example:

Generally, when a girl has a boyfriend who beats her or cheats on her, what is the immidiate reaction from almost anyone who finds out?

Leave him.

There's no hesitation or really much thought past the realization that this person is not treating her right. The only seemingly logical option is to leave, and any thought given to staying with this abusive or unfaithful partner is met with confusion, objection, and, often, horror.

Why is that?

It's because this person has the ability to do a serious amount of damage to her, mentally, physically, and/or emotionally. Since this man is someone this girl chose to bring into her life, it's generally assumed that in a situation like this she should choose and attempt to remove him from it.

And this is where the example brings to light the contradiction.

When a family member, let's say a parent, is abusing a child, it's comdemned. There's no doubt that people find it wrong and horrible. However, the difference between the responses to this situation versus the response to an abusive significant other lies in the permanancy of the decision to remove oneself from the situation.

Once the abused child grows up and becomes a responsible, self-sufficeint adult, the widespread opinion seems to change. As the person becomes an adult and people begin to see them that way rather than as the victim they were when they were a young, defenseless child, suggestions for reconciliation and reunions become more frequent.

Why?

Because this person, or these people, are family.

Unlike that boyfriend, this parent is important, because they're a family member, thus they're more meaningful. The fact that they're a family member means that not only are they worthy of forgiveness, but they're worthy of a second chance.

I, however, am here to disagree with this.

The damage that a family member holds the ability to do you mentally, physically, and emotionally, is severe. Family is extremely interconnected into your day to day life, especially when you are younger, and this presents a multitude of opportunities for harm.

The moment a person decides to remove their family, or even a singular family member, from their lives, that choice should be respected. It is no one else's place to determine the worth of letting an old abuser back in, especially not simply due to a factor that is beyond the control of the person making that choice.

Forgiveness is always a good stepping stone, but forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. At the end of the day, it's up to YOU. It's your choice who you let into your life and it is your choice who you remove.

Bascially, it's OK to say goodbye to family, and it's nobody else's decision but yours.