Save Me From My Feelings

My mind use to be a place where I could be myself. Free of judgement, a way to escape the world I didn't want to be in. I was a spring growing up, I was strong, resilient, enpowered. Everything bad that had happened to me I was able to spring back like it never happened, while still trying my hardest to keep everyone around me happy. But when something really bad happened to me, this time I didn't spring back as much as I normally do. I wasn't able to use my own mind to escape...my mind had started changing, The grass was dying, the sun was going down for once, everything was being turned upside down. My mind was blue, but it was becoming black.

It started off small and I recognized it immediately, but no one would listen to my crys for help. Parents disregarded the fact that depression in my family tree was starting to get to me, and I caught it before it was too bad. But no one helped. They denied the fact, and I was called a moody teenager. After trying for so long to talk about my feelings and getting nothing in return to help these new invaders of my mind, I gave up. I shut down completely, I became numb to all emotion. My parents didnt catch me from falling in time, and I crashed.

My mind started to wander, my imagination started taking over. Visions in my head became real, my worst nightmare was real. Yet I still have this hope that maybe I'm just being tested, and one day everyone with jump out and say "Surprise! Everything is fine." I couldn't sleep now, i used nicotine till I nicced out and was sick that it forced my body to go to sleep to feel better. I listened to all kinds of music that I never did before and starred at the ceiling, reliving my past over and over. My underlying anixety made me see glimpses of things and shadows that weren't there. My anger was like a full cup of water ready to tip over and break. Instead of being able to use my mind for an escape, I resorted to scratching my wrists, my stomach, my face when I was really angry. My mind no longer had my back to save me from these feelings.

2 years later, I still have all these emotions, but you get use to it. You get use to the feeling of anxiety deep in your stomach, ready to run at any point, constintly looking over your shoulder. The feeling of being better of dead.

It all became apart of me, the darkness I felt in my mind I felt in my heart now. It became the only familiar thing to me afer losing so much, and with no one there to help me cope. With no friends, the darkness became my friend. It was there all along, it made me feel comfortable with myself. I dropped out of school, dropped the religion, dropped being at "home" and left. I was a new person, taking all the darkness inside of me with me. I was more and more drawn to dark things, witchy things. These things brought me comfort, it kept people away from me after being hurt so much. I take "Your scary." as a compliment. I dream of violence to go to sleep, I listen to dark music, think dark thought, read dark things, watch dark things. I became the thing that my family never wanted. But i was giving all the warning signs, but its too late now.

I can't leave, I can't escape, I'm not myself. My feelings have consumed me and I have accepted it. The feelings of hopelessness, regret, and guilt make me sick to my stomach, and I can't control it. I look for help to save me from my feelings... and I was left in the dark till it coated me with a cold blanket to hide under.