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Sad life

It is sad.

By SaraPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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From Pixabay

I'm still having my depression or psychological handicap. So, I think that's why in my subconscious mind, I have that feeling of helplessness of not able to do anything about it because it's just that, not able to do anything. So, I had something happen in my minds where I had wanted to purchase a plane ticket with a stop at some place that I want to go but was told that the plane ticket doesn't allow the stop at that place and if I want to cancel the plane ticket, it will cost $327. I was rather upset and asked to speak to a manager but there was no manager I can talk to.. So, I felt very helpless.. and decided to just take the plane ticket and still stop at that place since they can't tell you that you can't stop and go outside the customs anyways...So, that's what I've decided.

Above is what I've written a few days ago. I'm still feeling very bad depression now. I feel really sad about what I have to go through, which is terrible depression again and again. Just when I was feeling well and getting a new job, things at work triggered my terrible depression again. I probably shouldn't ask my supervisor anything at that time, then I probably could have avoid getting this bad depression. But, it's a new job, so I'm new to everything, so of course I will have many questions to ask. But the answers I've got were a slap in my face and to who I am and what I think. I don't know how one can even avoid that... Yeah, maybe I should have had a shield around me to avoid that, but how am I to know that will be the response I will get.. But, I guess, I could have prepared better for any negative responses instead of letting them just hit me down flat. Well.. now I don't know when I will get well from my depression again. It seems like will take many months and more. It may sound rather ridiculous that the depression will take that long.. It seems ridiculous to me too that just an event at work can cause me such bad depression for months. I think for some they may even find it funny or crazy. I don't know. I find that funny too myself but, I can't remove that depression. It's like a big mountain inside of me that I can't move.

Here's my continuation of this draft a few days later: I am still feeling very depressed. I feel really sad for myself that I have to go through all these sadness and depression. It just seems very unfair to me especially when I haven't had a good job for a long time and then the worst depression hits me just when I have this new job. Most people my age already have a good career or are married. Many probably never had to experience depression and setbacks in their lives. So, I just think that my life is sad and has been a failure because I had depression for at least half of my life. What's saddest of all is that, it's not something that I wanted to bring upon myself. It's just sad.. So, I guess I can understand why I was feeling so sad one time for what I had to go through. Just when I can feel stuff, I get hit with depression. I can tell you that when I was a child, it wasn't like that at all. I was happy most of the time and I didn't even know of depression. As you get older, you came to experience more depression... I experienced my first big depression in college dealing with getting rejected and it was something I had a hard time dealing with because I was so very much emotionally immatured. Then, in my thirties, I experienced another big depression from being too naive and not knowing the importance of self love and setting healthy boundaries. That experience almost got me into very bad trouble and it took me a while to even get out of it. A decade later, I'm still dealing with the remnants of it which can never be forgotten.

It is what it is and all I can say is, it's sad and I had a sad life.

depression
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About the Creator

Sara

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