Reliving the past

Yesterday while I was meditating I was unable to clear my space and instead of finding relaxation I re-lived moments from my past relationship all of them blending together like a violent home video montage. My brain and I argue over what actually happened or if we just dreamt it.

That's the thing about living with someone who is a narcissistic abuser they don't typically stick to one type of abuse. They break you down mentally first so that you get to that point where you can't even trust yourself because what on earth would we do if they weren't there looking out for us? Then they tackle almost simultaneously the emotional part of us because how dare we be upset for how they're treating us. Did you know that we're the controlling, manipulative and deceitful ones? By the time they become physical we've already been convinced that it's our fault. Like the time I should have trusted that he was going to wash the dishes...even though the dishes sat in the sink for days without being touched. He told me he'd get to them. I got tired of them being there and because I stated that I just wanted to get them done because he hadn't...I got shoved against a wall hard enough that my head rattled and ached. It was my fault, he wouldn't have had to do that if I'd just waited for him to do it. Everything would have been okay.

"Shut up. Quit talking. I can't pretend you're her if you keep talking." "You're my fiancé, mine. You can't say no to me." I keep getting small snip-its from the nights he raped me. Things I had suppressed. Pieces of dialogue. Moments leading up to the act. Fight, flight and freeze happened at different times but I could never escape his anger, I never escaped the blame because he wouldn't have to take if I just gave him the attention he needed.

From where I am in this point in my life I know that I won't ever let myself be treated that way again. I have fellow warriors and an amazing support system and most importantly I have my voice. I have learned to use my voice.

However, I am not completely free from his chains and still relive the horror that was my life. I see red flags all the time when people get angry with me. Small fights and serious discussions have me gathering all my armor and strength and by the end I am exhausted. I still hold a lot close to my chest because I don't like to draw out a map that people can use to hurt me. I don't like showing them how and what cuts deep like a knife. I see a lot of my ex in new relationships but he doesn't own all the words that they speak and it's not him...it's them.

I've started losing sleep again because the night terrors creeped back in and have burrowed deep inside my brain and every little sound in the night has me on high alert. I've started struggling more with food again. I don't eat unless I'm hungry and I'm getting hungry less and less.

I'm craving solitude. A moment of peace. My soul is itching to run. Cut all communication with the world...to be unreachable...for a day or two. Just to be alone. Re-center and realign with no one around me. Sit on the beach watch the sun go down, watch the sun rise, listen to the waves, smell the salt air and ground myself. Just be.