Ready

I am afraid to check my email.

I admitted to my partner days ago that I was having cold feet about reaching out for therapy; the thing I just spent the last 3 months recording dreams and highs/lows and have been writing many personal pieces in preparation for.

“Monday,” he encouraged. I knew what he meant; I should reach out to someone by Monday. Or, rather, by the end of Monday. I dreaded it the moment he said it. He wasn’t demanding; he was just setting a date he knew I would likely follow.

I hadn’t even decided which of the three women I wanted to try to talk to first: two were labeled as therapists and the last as a psychologist. I had linked the profiles of all three to my partner, having him weigh in. He voted for the psychologist.

Yesterday was Monday - and I sent the message. 200 word limit, but I managed to squeeze in that I’m having a list of issues. I mentioned having issues with a groping incident 15 years ago, and current family drama, and low mood/sometimes suicidal thoughts for years, and having had to help out with my brother with special needs for the majority of my life. And that’s just what I mentioned briefly between other pieces of information.

I hesitated when it came to submitting. I reread that small few lines of text so many times, making sure it had everything, my heart starting to beat faster. I hit submit.

And I got red text! My heartbeat picked up more with the fear of why the attempt failed.

I needed a subject line…

…

‘Looking for Help,’ I typed. Heart pounding again, I clicked the submit button again. This time, it went through.

And I haven't checked my email all day.

I then made an appointment to get my COVID-19 booster - no availability for a few weeks. I added the flu shot to it as well. And then? Well, shit.

I had a bit of a spree. I’m coasting off mostly stimulus money, and after reaching out and then scheduling for my next vaccines, I decided to spend a little of it. That’s what it’s there for anyway, yeah?

I bought into a few sales for soaps and shampoo bars - I should be good for a year! I chided myself a bit for giving in and buying the more expensive two-bar combos instead of buying single bars that did both shampooing and conditioning, but I also argued that it would be nice to have scents I knew I would like, instead of the cheaper set that seemed to have “oddball” scents. There was also the sense of, “hey, I’m doing these really stressful things like seeking therapy, so maybe just spend the extra $20 and get things I will like”.

I then also opted to buy a small double-sided dry erase board for the lower levels of the house and for outside the house. Not the mid-sized one I’ve been eyeing, but a smaller one - a portable version. With it, I bought a few more coloring books and soap sheets for my purse. Did I really need more coloring books? Maybe not, but I intend to do quite a bit of the activity this year; it’s one of the only things to give me a little ease on stressful days and I find it to be a good warm-up before trying to write. I couldn’t resist a Deadpool Stoner coloring book, and I wanted to color in one with dinosaurs so bad last week so I found one with 100+ images. There’s plenty of them I'd like yet, but now I think I will have the variety I need to be satisfied for now.

This splurge took a bit, but I reasoned that the stimulus money was for just that. It may be padding what little I had left in my savings, but it is what I’m working with until I get something out that starts bringing in money. Thankfully, my partner is able to provide for us comfortably, so my personal expenses are pretty light outside of my phone bill, Vocal+ sub, and a few things I want. Usually it’s for the house (I count the sample soaps I bought too in this, since they're useful to me and my partner). I’d been eyeing all these things lately and I guess the stress of actually reaching out for help prompted a spree to feel better or reward myself? I dunno.

I didn’t like spending that much in one day, but I don’t really regret my orders - they are all things I will use and are useful. I just need to not splurge any more until I start seeing some income. With the family drama, I’m waiting to talk to the psychologist or therapist I wind up at to figure out how best to handle that mess. But because of it, I’m not able to do my job as secondary caregiver to my brother, and therefore I don’t even have the $70-120/month coming in anymore that I would get for it. I'm not in a stable enough spot for typical employment, and my partner and I prefer that we're both home.

So long as I don’t drop too much more on random sprees this year, I should be able to coast. What happens on Vocal.media remains to be seen; now that I’ve started to get traction under me for working on smaller projects more steadily, maybe it’s time I try to put together something for sale on Kindle. Just something to get even just a little income to start coming in. I don't need much right now; but I will need something before too long.

But I don't regret the purchases.

Hygiene-wise, I’m covered for the next year. Coloring book wise, I now have a selection to work from, and some days I just enjoy listening to podcasts and coloring; particularly days when I am disconnected - like I will be within the week. Usually for 2-5 days, days out from my next menstrual cycle. I might do little else but color on these days, assuming I don’t just wind up sitting in a chair, unresponsive. I won’t be interested in much at all. But I don’t even have to be all that interested in coloring to mindlessly work on the images, and it can be the thing that lifts me from being despondent into a more functional mood. Not always, but sometimes. I guess I’m trying to justify why having the selection of coloring books is important to me.

The dry-erase board is useful to me on many fronts. And the soap sheets seemed like a good idea for COVID-19 and traveling; heck, I’ve even had the issue of using a public restroom only to find the soap dispenser out!

Curiosity will get the better of me before long; I’ll have to check my email. I’m afraid of what I might get in response. Part of me is so afraid of being told I’m just overreacting, that I have no “good” reason why I’m so…

…why I’m like this. Why I am the way I am. I’m worried that I’ll be told the reason I feel so useless is because I am; that I am where I am because it is my fault and I did so much wrong. My partner tells me that’s not the case, but… shit.

I’m worried I’ll say something that becomes misconstrued. That I might be so misunderstood that things get even worse for me.

Saying anything is scary; not being taken seriously is somehow even more-so.

But I’m still so tired. Since August 2021, I’ve really had to think about my relationship with my family, and the resulting mess is worse than I thought years ago. There is simply too much for me to try and do this on my own anymore. I’d damn near try to tell myself otherwise, but that flashback I had in December was the final confirmation; I need to get help for this. Especially if I’m having things as intense as that flashback.

I’m not sure what I have, but I’m pretty damn sure I have something - and it isn’t good.

So I’ve done the first step; I reached out. As much as I dread it, I guess I’ll keep an eye out for that email back. With luck, she’ll agree to try to help me or help me find someone who might, and then I move to the next part; setting a first appointment. I’m not enjoying any of this going in; I don’t 100% want to do it. But I have to.

Whether I am ready or not.