Protect Your Peace

In my last post, I spoke about my struggles with depression and how I am on the lighter end of the spectrum as of now. Do you know what it takes to make sure you remain on that end? You can do this by protecting your energies. Actively choose and decide who you will give your energy too and do it diligently because before you know it, you will feel drained and your inner peace will be destroyed.
I recently began dating this young man after going on a five year hiatus of not dating and focusing on my career and school. When I met this guy I literally dove head first into this relationship. I said to myself this was it, this is what I want. I showed him my complete and utter devotion and loyalty I had for the relationship and that I didn't take it for granted. Whenever he needed me I was there hand and feet. Boy did he need, but I kept telling myself that if I hold on and show him that I'm in this and I'm not like other women and show him that he can rely on me that he will fill In the gap that he has failed to put his efforts into.
Being the vocal individual that I am, I told him how I was feeling and he would give me the I'm sorry and whatever excuse he could fester up. He knew just what to say to keep me holding on... They always do... With anyone rather it's a friend, family member or in my case, a significant other you have to know when to let that person go.
I found myself randomly crying and in the most horrible mood. I mean the emotions I was feeling gave depression a run for it's money. This feeling was and still is a mix of rage and sadness with a sprinkle of self worthlessness. I keep wondering what am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough for him? I have no proof of transgressions but I have proof of the lack of respect for me he and what he has for the relationship and I realized that l, that alone was enough.
Last week I decided to take a mental health weekend from everyone and it wasn't hard being that a hurricane was coming so it was easy to just disappear in the anticlimactic chaos. During that time alone I was going through so many highs and lows back to back fighting with what was good and what was bad and what I could put up with and what I shouldn't. It got to a point when I was like why am I doing this to myself. By Sunday my eyes were swollen and blood shot, I was emotionally exhausted and decided that this person is really disrupting my peace. No one who claims to love you should have that power or if they do decide to even do so. If anything they should be protecting you and I felt like I was left out to rot and rust. I realize that it wasn't that I was mad at him but that he was breaking my heart, the feelings I was going through was a actual heart break. The last time I ever felt this way was five years ago where I allowed someone to disrupt my peace and that's when I began to experience depression. That's when I didn't allow myself to love or be loved and became selfish and only cared about myself. I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to miss out on any blessings that could come in the form of my potential life partner, my soulmate, my husband. I couldn't allow him to ruin me to the point that I didn't want to give my energy away again.
There is nothing wrong with giving your energies away as long as it is for the right people but when it comes to a point that your peace is being defecated on, you have to let go. Just let go.