My days usually ran like clockwork. I woke up at the same time everyday, 6:30 a.m. I got breakfast ready, and then I would get my siblings up, and ready for school, Sebastian and Dominic, they were twins and could be a little chaotic if you don't have the right tone. My dad was always the first out, but he never failed to make sure he left me some coffee on the burner. He worked in the maritime business cooking meals for the workers on the ships you would see sitting off on the Atlantic coast. My mom left us when I was 13 so for the past four years I have been playing the woman of the house and raising my brothers, and helping my dad find a balance. I don't mind helping out my dad, I could only imagine what he would do if I wasn't around.
One of my struggles these past few years is that I am not totally comfortable with who I see looking back at me. I have been struggling with my weight for some time now and although I was once very cofident when I was gaining weight, I began letting outside influences tell me I shouldn't be.
When I was up for a promotion and began seeing people get chosen over me four times in a row I decided to vent my frustration out to a loved one. What came to question wasn't my work ethic but how I look. I was literally told that I should consider losing some weight. I asked what they meant by that statement and they began telling me how a company wants to project a image and it could be that I don't fit the mold. Can I tell you that, that idea did nothing to help me? If anything I began eating more!
I ignored that superficial idea that in other words my "girth" is what was holding me back and I just worked harder for what I wanted. Eventually I got the promotion and I also got recognition for other things I accomplished while still maintaining the weight I was and still currently at. I won't deny that I could be a little more on the healthier side of things. Everyone in this world could stand to drop a few pounds but that is for you to decide and shouldn't play a factor in anyone's success. It's like saying the most desirable people should have everything and that's not fair.
I think it is truly important to just be comfortable in your own skin. Be so comfortable that it makes other people cringe. You have to radiate confidence and if anyone makes any lopsided comments like the one said to me, prove them wrong. Look at many of the successful women out there now who face image troubles with the most famous one being Oprah! When she decided to take control of her health she definitely did it when it was suitable for her, so how you look should never define anyone's success unless you clearly want to be a model. If you want to be successful in other ways first be comfortable with who you are as a individual, love and embrace who you see everyday.
Every morning when I am practicing my self-care, I try to repeat affirmations. Affirmations really help drill in positive thoughts and it's a great way to began your day. I tell myself first that I will have a great day. If you own it, you will achieve it! I compliment myself and I end my affirmation with a goal. The goal is always to end my day the way it began. If I woke up positive I want to go to sleep the same way. It doesn't matter how horrible of day it might have been. I refuse to take that stress with me to my bed because you know what happens? Insomnia, tossing and turning and not mention puffy eyes. I do not want to see my eyes the size of sand bags and bloodshot red when I wake up. No thanks.
I also take pride in how I look. You don't have to dress like you are right out of a magazine but just showing that you took pride in your appearance can give you this nice little jolt of confidence because you know you look good and that energy can speak volumes. Make sure you are presenting yourself in a good image that you are proud of. Now what you might like might not meet everyone's approval and that's ok because we aren't out here trying to please anyone but ourselves, but please, run a comb through your hair; Keep up appearances, not for others but for yourself. You have to appreciate what you see everyday.
Now when you are conquering your day, make sure you are behaving. I don't mean behave by society standards but behave in a way that makes you proud. A simple way of putting it is by treating others how you want to be treated. All day we are interacting with others and some interactions can be unsavory but even though you might feel triggered at some point just allow yourself to take a step back and think to yourself, what can I do in this situation that will allow me to think back and be proud that I didn't fly off the handle. I personally always think about a few people I have come across who would be so nasty to me and for no reason whatsoever and I would wonder how they slept at night. Then every they put off on me left them looking so ugly and I just wondered how they felt on the inside. It has to be heavy carrying around all that animosity day in and day out and it showed. This one woman would always come to work disheveled, she looked dirty like she didn't comprehend hygiene, and her face was always red like she was fire, hot mad and she never failed to be insulting to any and everyone. I told her once that if she just took a moment and thought about she could make someone's day rather than destroy theirs she might feel better at the end of her shift. Eventually she sought therapy to help her with her issues and became more pleasant and stopped looking like a bat that flew out of hell and once she felt good, that energy started exuding on to us.
What I am saying is just love yourself no matter what. Love yourself until it hurts other people to see how comfortable you are in your skin. It can be contagious.
I know there is a pandemic going on and senseless violence and death surrounding everyone these days. I think it is important, more now than ever to stop and appreciate the the little things and worry about what you can control. This could be easier said than done for some. I totally take into account what trials and tribulations others are facing that can make a positive outlook seem so distant. This is why focusing on what you can control and appreciating the small things come in handy and needed for optimum function.
One of the things that really helps me cope with the woes of depression is making sure that I can recognize myself in the mirror. It is so easy to go deep into that rabbit hole of weariness where you don't brush your hair, you might skip a shower or two and you haven't washed the three day old makeup off your face. One thing for me is that I would go days without making my bed. I would literally sleep on a bare mattress with my down comforter and felt fine with that. I just didn't have the energy to straighten up my room even if it was to just make my bed. As of Monday, I went almost a month without making my bed. My mom would beg me to stop living like that and I was like "my mattress is clean." Looking back two days later, in my extended moment of melancholy, sleeping on a bare mattress because you can't muster up the energy to carry out day to day activities is not ok and that's why it is so important to remember to embrace SELF-CARE.
In my last post, I spoke about my struggles with depression and how I am on the lighter end of the spectrum as of now. Do you know what it takes to make sure you remain on that end? You can do this by protecting your energies. Actively choose and decide who you will give your energy too and do it diligently because before you know it, you will feel drained and your inner peace will be destroyed.
I recently began dating this young man after going on a five year hiatus of not dating and focusing on my career and school. When I met this guy I literally dove head first into this relationship. I said to myself this was it, this is what I want. I showed him my complete and utter devotion and loyalty I had for the relationship and that I didn't take it for granted. Whenever he needed me I was there hand and feet. Boy did he need, but I kept telling myself that if I hold on and show him that I'm in this and I'm not like other women and show him that he can rely on me that he will fill In the gap that he has failed to put his efforts into.
Being the vocal individual that I am, I told him how I was feeling and he would give me the I'm sorry and whatever excuse he could fester up. He knew just what to say to keep me holding on... They always do... With anyone rather it's a friend, family member or in my case, a significant other you have to know when to let that person go.
I found myself randomly crying and in the most horrible mood. I mean the emotions I was feeling gave depression a run for it's money. This feeling was and still is a mix of rage and sadness with a sprinkle of self worthlessness. I keep wondering what am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough for him? I have no proof of transgressions but I have proof of the lack of respect for me he and what he has for the relationship and I realized that l, that alone was enough.
Last week I decided to take a mental health weekend from everyone and it wasn't hard being that a hurricane was coming so it was easy to just disappear in the anticlimactic chaos. During that time alone I was going through so many highs and lows back to back fighting with what was good and what was bad and what I could put up with and what I shouldn't. It got to a point when I was like why am I doing this to myself. By Sunday my eyes were swollen and blood shot, I was emotionally exhausted and decided that this person is really disrupting my peace. No one who claims to love you should have that power or if they do decide to even do so. If anything they should be protecting you and I felt like I was left out to rot and rust. I realize that it wasn't that I was mad at him but that he was breaking my heart, the feelings I was going through was a actual heart break. The last time I ever felt this way was five years ago where I allowed someone to disrupt my peace and that's when I began to experience depression. That's when I didn't allow myself to love or be loved and became selfish and only cared about myself. I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to miss out on any blessings that could come in the form of my potential life partner, my soulmate, my husband. I couldn't allow him to ruin me to the point that I didn't want to give my energy away again.
There is nothing wrong with giving your energies away as long as it is for the right people but when it comes to a point that your peace is being defecated on, you have to let go. Just let go.