Pitfalls of the Negative Narrative & Randomness

There is an age-old maxim that suggest, “Assume the worst and you’ll never be disappointed.” If I could change just one characteristic about myself it would be to stop filling the inconsistency in another person’s story with my own pessimistic, unfavorable, biased beliefs, and negative narratives. For example, I’m likely to immediately conclude that people do not like me on account of, oftentimes, I do not particularly approve of myself.

I trifle with my past negative experiences and inject them into the here and now, routinely at someone’s expense. I embrace every dire scheme and plaster them over the gaps where the adhesive of lost reality and legitimacy resides. Counselors often attribute this to our implicit negative narrative – the lies we tell ourselves to reinforce the way we really feel about ourselves. Not uncommonly, the way I feel about myself influences the way I engage in my own recovery, especially when I spend any chunk of time listening to this negative narrative.

All the more alarming is that there have been times when my negative assumptions were justified. Essentially, I have presumed the worst of people, places, and things, and my presumptions were validated. A skeptic and/or pessimist learns nothing when their presumptions are justified! This only fuels my perception of being vindicated as I rush to apply past outcomes to every imaginable conclusion from that point forward. I cherish the vindication as one cherishes extraordinary abilities.

Interestingly enough, there have been numerous occasions where I have been terribly amiss. These occasions are the instances where I should have undeclared my presumptions, instead; I incited gratuitous distrust toward another person or situation that was not justified. I embraced my mistrust of others and let it sustain my negative narrative only to learn that I had been terribly wrong and, worst yet, I had influenced the perception of others. It is at this juncture that I find myself with a list of amends that are needed. The surfacing shame fuels my self-loathing and my aptitude to self-medicate/relapse. It is with regret that I must admit; making amends does not come as easily as the negative narratives in my head.

Negative narratives thrive best in the dark, those saturated places where things like light, trust and hope are reluctant to shine through. They are poisonous to the soul. When the truth finally reveals itself, those negative narratives shrivel up and die. I have found a question that I can ask myself that saves me from ruminating in my negative narrative, it is: “what would a man who loves and respects himself do in this situation”. This simple question has spared me and others embarrassment, shame, and ridicule. It has allowed me to invest energy in the places that truly need my attention – my own insecure and fearful heart.

Randomness

Looking back at those last desperate days before I came to recovery, I remember more than anything the feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even when I was surrounded by people, including my own family, the sense of “aloneness” was overwhelming. Even when I tried to act sociable and wore the mask of cheerfulness, I usually felt a terrible anger of not belonging.

I thank my Higher Power for the greatest single joy that has come to me outside of my sobriety—the feeling that I am no longer alone. That loneliness did not vanish overnight; there have been lonely periods during recovery, especially since I pulled away from my former acquaintances or drinking buddies.

Today, I am grateful to have found new friends who are recovering. I thank my Higher Power for those who stood by me or came into my life when I needed them. I am grateful the fellowship of the program.

I am not alone.