Phases of Therapy

Imagine waking up on a crisp Saturday without the loud tones of your alarm. You roll over laying on your back, happy that you finally get to enjoy every inch of your bed. You wake up independent and free to use your time off of the clock. You scroll through your timeline for fifteen minutes then jump in the shower. After the shower, you stand there wondering what outfit matches your current mood. You get dressed, head out the door, go up the elevator, then through a secret door which lands you on a sofa. A tall, slender woman smiles then opens her mouth to ask, "So, how has your week been?" That scenario has been my routine for almost a year. I am waking up two Saturdays a month to stare at a woman that I call my therapist.

It has always been a priority of mine to find a therapist that can listen to me and provide helpful and meaningful feedback. I remembered one day I came across a podcast titled Therapy for Black Girls by Joy Harden Bradford Ph.D. After listening to an episode, I was motivated to find then a therapist that was suitable for me. I found Joy on Instagram and decided to visit her page. I clicked on the website in her bio, of course titled Therapy for Black Girls. To my dismay, that website is a personal directory of African American therapists in my area. I put in my zip code, and I chose the first woman who appeared at the top of the page. The picture revealed what I needed to know about her and those are: she is African American, she has long curly hair with tons of volume, and her office was only 1.8 miles away from where I live. My first appointment with her was nerve-racking. You don't know what to expect. But these three questions that she asked during the visit made me more at ease in knowing that she is the therapist for me. Those questions were: "What brings you to therapy?" "What do you want to get out of therapy?" and "What are some of the things you want to work through?" I call this Phase One of the therapy process.

First, "What brings you to therapy?"

I must say that the question stumped me. I've come to realize that some things don't require the right answer. Everyone's answers are different. I mentioned to my therapist that I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I needed to learn the tools to cope and not live a miserable life. As I've gotten older and discovered my behavior, I've wanted to know a lot of "Why" questions. In my mind, if I knew the cause, I could change the effect. As I look back on that day, I realized that I tried my hardest to sound all put together. It was almost If I knew I had to be there but felt like I was in the wrong building. I spoke from my head and not from my heart.

This stage of therapy is the hardest. You have to dig deep to put depression into words. How does it make me feel? How do you want to change it? If you could do the opposite, what would the result be? It's like you are meeting yourself for the very first time. You are in the space where you get to discover things that you never knew or expose a strength you never knew existed. Around this time, this is when a lot of people quit or begin to question the knowledge of the therapist. You get a wakeup call when you realize that a therapist's job is to guide you to be the best version of yourself and not to do the work for you.

After a couple of adjustments that made you love your life and yourself a little bit more, you notice after a while that your train starts to slow down. Your mind and body become exhausted with all of this change that's happening at once. You question everything. At this point, you start to feel so good about yourself about life that you feel high without popping any pills or inhaling any plants. I began to feel anxious and excited about what was to come for me. I had it in my head how I wanted to plan out the next visits and what I wanted to work through. I even went as far as figuring out the date as to when my very last appointment would be. Within a month, I had accomplished so much. I participated in a 5k, donated to a different charity, baked a cake, I even went to an amusement park; something I haven't done in years.

Once the fourth appointment came around, I surprised my therapist with my drastic behavior and changes and wanted to know how I'm celebrating these small victories or accomplishments. My response was, I haven't. I was doing what needed to be done to get to where I wanted to be. I would "keep my head down and continue to push forward." Although my therapist admired my drive, her concern was after I've practiced these new skills and when people stop telling me that they've admired my "growth" and that I seem "so much happier," then what? It was at that moment that I would face reality. I was floating on the cloud. What I didn't think about is what I would do when that cloud finally popped.

As I got into a routine of meeting with my therapist, I realized that I was no longer feeling high I got so comfortable that I started to resort to my old ways. I thought that I was never where I wanted to be. I attempted to rush the process and not ride the process. My result of who I wanted to be in the end was more exciting than the journey. During this time, it's essential to take a breather and reset.

Second, "What do you want to get out of therapy?"

I wanted to obtain the tools and or alternatives needed to live a consistent life. To figure out who I am, what I like, what I dislike, and how to be more positive. I wanted to get a different outlook on how I wanted in my life. I wanted to be in the mental space to fulfill my dreams and what I saw for myself. I tried to conquer my fears and get rid of any significant anxieties. Deep down in my soul, I wanted to be happy. The older I've gotten, the more I realized that "being happy" isn't a person, place, or thing. Content is something you can't touch, but can feel 24 hours a day and 365 days in a year.

Third, "What are some of the things you want to work through?"

What I love about my therapist is she asks a lot of open-ended questions. In the beginning, I found that frustrating. I just wanted her to tell me what I needed to do to get to where I needed to go to be the person I want to be. That's it. After a while, I realized I had to be specific and firm on what I wanted to get out of this process. My favorite phrase was "I don't know," and that's because I didn't know. I didn't know what she was asking. I wanted a black and white question so I can give her a straightforward answer. After much thought, I wanted to work on my confidence, self-esteem, repair old relationships, create new ones, and finally do something consistently.

Soon after, I found myself setting boundaries, being accountable, reaching out to people I haven't heard from in years. Letting some people and relationships go, knowing my likes and dislikes and indulging in activities and things I've never done before. It was definitely a breath of fresh air. To eventually wake up with a clear mind and positive affirmations. To pray to a God I questioned for years about who I was and why. My spirit was big, my smile was bright, and my skin was glowing. I felt radiant and bold and was ready to conquer another demon that was deep within my spirit.

The start of 2019 made me realize that we all have a story to tell. We are even aware of what our Table of Contents will be. The scary part is reading the next chapter and discovering a new world and introducing a new character. My story has a plot twist that I didn't see coming. It's bones that are collecting dust in my closet and a pile of dirt that at the corner of my rug that I need to sift through. Fighting the process has never worked. It made everything worse. For months I've prepared my mind and my heart on what's to come without even knowing how it would play out. Going to therapy is hard work. You will cry, get discouraged, you will also have the urge to quit, but one thing that has helped me stay focused is continually asking myself why I wanted to go to therapy in the first place.

"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us." ― David Richo

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