Patty Locket

PATTY

LILPATTY LOCKET

6/24/2021

January 13,2006 at approximately 7pm…the phone rang. It was my sister. The oldest one. She almost never calls so I didn’t answer. There was something airy about it all.

I somehow knew it was about Patty.

Patty has always been free spirited, she just didn’t get that overnight. The first to break the ice, always giggling. Now that I think of it, I don’t recall a time when Patty would take anything as seriously as it requires. I think we share that gene. Thanks ma!

Patty and I saw each other less than I wanted to.. she basically lived at gramas house. She worked a lot as a nurses aid staffing rotation and partied harder. Hanging out with Patty meant your entire schedule is open!

Kings County mall is one of my favorites. We we’re supposed to just browse around. I gotta be brutally honest here loves. I was scared as shit that Patty would shoplift some and pin it on me. Cautious? Who me?

And fuuuuck me haaaaard if she didn’t pay for everything. We stopped by the cookie bar, we got some of her perfume… it smelled amazing. That reminds me, I gotta see if that jacket Patty has in the closet needs dry cleaning.

She always catches my attention with her oblivious amounts of perfume. She smelled like… cigarette smoke and rubbing alcohol. But since smelling the actual perfume… I see how easy it is to become nose blind. None the less I refused to talk to her about why I believe smoking is bad. She’d laugh me off in dismissal anyway.

I called Patty just hours before but it all kept going to voicemail. Now that I’m all grown up and wide eyed to new experiences, I wasn’t as pissed about not spending more time together.

Ugh still no answer..and just like my oldest sister one thing you know about Patty, she don’t check voicemails like I do. I mean it could be weeks before an acknowledgment is even dished out.

Hubby and I took a road trip up to New York. It’s always nice to catch the vibe of Patty’s home. The living room was all white;kind of mitch matched white, but no shade. She is an attention grabber for sure. Not a decorator per say…I mean guest bedroom was cute. And I know she knows this now but my fault lady .. hubby and I broke your bed. Ok ok lemme break it down.. no pun intended.. Huuueeeee know kwhaat..?!…let’s not talk about grown folks business okay? But anyway back to the walk in when I saw Patty just laying there. I walked up to her and wanted to hug her so tight but we..I just talked.. she didn’t give me that smile and giggle I’ve been so annoyed with.

It made me sad. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t stop them from bumrushing down my cheeks.. not just on my face but the crack of my ass became entirely too lubricated. My palms were dry, under arms were swimming.. I wanted to leave or just make everyone present to just go.

Family, friends , muhfuckahs who just rubbernecking! I could’ve morphed into a monster of a person. I guess therapy is helping after all. Look at me Patty, I’m not *all the very descriptive ways to show anger*..to for or with anyone’s or anything. Wide grins are my most innocent. My most guarded.. and look at me sharing that with you on this day.

In that moment I didn’t care who was there or who wasn’t. They didn’t have to leave. I’m gonna just talk directly to Patty. I planned to tell her she looked like shit. But eh, she kaauuute or whatever. We do look a lot alike.

Ear ringing.. trying to talk to my Patty. Perhaps my expression said it but it all of a sudden the word quiet got quiet. I said.. hey

Her: nothing

Me: this your new place?

Her: blank expression then I thought I saw her shift closer

I got a little wobbly real shit love.

She didn’t look at me, but I wanted to make her laugh and in that moment I did… I said… time flies like the wind but fruit flies like bananas . She didn’t laugh. And yes I know my jokes aren’t always funny to everyone but this one.. this one always gives her a chuckle and her chuckle makes me smile.

The visit wasn’t the way I wanted to introduce my husband to her. I mean they talked on the phone before and ow mi goodnesss DID I TELL YOU that Patty tried to suduce my hubby?! I blanked and she laughed hard. I could’ve sworn I seen happy tears. Do you feel that shaking on your tiptoes while imploding all sorts of violence? Well deeper than that there is a place called”why the fuck would you want to deserve any of this”. When you get there ask specifically for “TincturedTee” and she’ll hand you a map. That’s Patty for you. And she’s right. What in the entire existence of docility would you.. I do? You know what one should-bettah would do.. I’d try Jesus, not the pissed off Patty…and it won’t be me!!!

The ride home was awkward. Silence all nine hours. When we got home there was a present from me.. I knew it was from Patty. A heart shaped pendant that looks a lot like a hollow locket. It had an engraving “mom”. The bronze pinkish leave hugging the edges of the heart. … Then mine broke.

It hit me. All at once… Patty is really gone?! I feel like being a mother while your still growing up is boldly rebellious. But now what?! Especially since my “Growing up” probably stunted it.. I didn’t have my mother. My sisters did. And before having me Patty had my big sister, my big brother.. we all knew Patty. She cooler than a muhfuckah maaaan. If there is any beef she gon grab a front seat with popcorn okay?! Her laugh I hear in my big sister is infectious. She loves and not love seemingly without attachment. Try to hold her .. she is the moon waters wetness , it’s depth and range are on astronomical levels. And shit.. she and I share heritage .. direct lineage.

Patty always been my birth mother. But in the last few years she has become my mama.

In the most free spirited way…I still mourn. Every time I see a fruit fly I call her ma. I call it mommy. I catch myself from falling into a depression that hinders resentment more than effervescent memories. How is it possible to miss someone this much and still breathe.. ow my heart maaan.. my..heart shaped locked. Ha! It has banana freckles.. like me.

At the funeral, it was hard to accept that this body that isn’t moving can still live me three waves of emotions. Tidal waves, monsoons… hurricanes with a touch of tornatic winds speeds. Fire that rises up inside of me then my feet drag through the grass of my backyard..

I’m grounded enough to notice the tiny little eyes of souls that call me mama. This session of implosion must now cease. I am forever thankful that Patty shook the earth into acceptance. It’s because of her that I have an example of what pridefully living my best life could look like.

Love always,

Lil’Patty Locket