Panic Attacks & Playlists

I can’t say for sure when my first panic attack was. The first one I remember happened when I was 21. I finished an episode of The Office and the next thing I knew, I was face down on the living room carpet in tears, unable to catch my breath, and utterly bewildered as to why. Nearly a decade later, I still don’t have an answer. This is little more than a snapshot memory to me; I know there were incidents before and many know there have been incidents since. They’ve grown and changed, as I have, and while I still haven’t cracked the formula indicative of their cause, there are certain signs I’ve become well acquainted with:

The pins and needles in my toes and fingertips.

The tingle that starts out somewhere behind my eyes and chills its way down my spine.

The wave of heat that rushes through me while my pulse quickens.

There aren’t many conscious thoughts, just tightly coordinated physiological reactions, organized for reasons unknown, to fight off some threat that I can’t ever see.

I feel the heaviness of my bones, a crushing weight that seems to prevent my lungs from holding sufficient air. I breathe in deeper, a faint but familiar ringing starting in my ears. An incessant, high-pitched nothing tone blowing through a wind tunnel, drowning out all other sounds. The air comes easier now but the room also threatens to start spinning, despite the fact that I haven’t moved an inch in a cautious attempt to keep it from consuming me, however temporarily.

Before long, that jack-rabbiting pulse of mine is everywhere. I feel it in my feet, my neck, my ass, my hands, the soft spots of my temples, and beyond. If I chose to focus on it, I could watch my chest move through my shirt, thumping with the frantic beats underneath. I don’t, looking instead to the shakes brought on by rushes of mystery adrenaline. My palms sweat and my fingers are unsteady; I can still pick up a book or brush my hair, but any task requiring fine dexterity (i.e. texting, typing, writing) prove much more difficult, and threaten to call unneeded attention to an already irritating situation.

That’s another bit I’ve never advertised, the ability to keep a straight face while I feel my insides toss around like bingo balls in a cage. Where I once felt fear and uncertainty about what was happening to me, I feel impatience and frustration that I can’t control my body from spazzing full tilt whenever it feels like it. I am thankful when a threatening initial wave passes, a gentle reminder that it could drop in any time; and I try to problem solve when it decides it’s here to stay for the duration, determined to limit it’s time with me as much as possible.

From my own practice, meditation is for the birds. Silence is not a practical solution to a state of panic and I never understood tips and tricks that suggested otherwise. Talking is also not an option. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because it feels physically impossible. Because to open my mouth with my own attempt at words would surely cause me to choke on them. To drown. To come undone completely.

Breathing exercises are also recommended. The punchline of that joke is that it’s incredibly difficult to command breathing or any kind of conscious response when flooded with well-intentioned but woefully misinformed brain chemicals telling you you’re probably moments away from death.

In the end my solution required diving into one of the biggest problems, my loss of control. When this thing would show up and take things over, I couldn’t control it’s onset or my reactions to it. I felt tricked in some way, betrayed by the mind I had nurtured and that which had given me solace before when I so often needed it. I wondered, after a sufficient time feeling sorry for myself, if I could somehow use that to trick myself right back.

I get how that initially sounds but if you’ve made it this far you’re invested enough to go with me on this. Taking all the emotion out of it, putting aside the frustration and all the negativity this ailment inspires, I was able to think logically about what was happening in these overwhelming moments and what kind of monkey wrench would best muck up it’s plans.

I can’t control what my brain does, I came to terms with that one a while ago. I can’t rub out every needle and tingle that crawls through me, always warning of impending doom and gloom. I’m not fortunate to own a walk-in freezer so a quick regulation of body temperature is also not an option. This leaves the heart, the mighty jack rabbit that causes me to shake and sweat while knocking over every other domino inside me that it hops along.

Turns out heart rates can be controlled, even when we feel we have none. Studies have indicated that heart rates like to synchronize to music, perhaps why sick tunes help us torture ourselves for hours on end when it comes to working out. This is an approximation, so just pretend we’re at the tail-end of a reality TV episode on running trends in the medical field. [Disclaimer: We most certainly are not.]

At the peak of this episode, my recorded pulse was 136. For those of you unfamiliar with resting heart rates, that’s high, and a good jumping off point to see if my hunch is correct…

I began with Blood by The Middle East at 5:27 - soft but fast paced - humming the melodic tune throughout that left little room for excess huffing and puffing if you wanted to keep things tight (This is a given for me). At the end of the song I recorded my pulse again - 122.

Next, I chose Talk Amongst Yourselves by Grand National at 4:32 - a harsher presence but a continuous loop of relaxed but deliberate sound that calmed while you fell in step with it. I recorded my pulse again - 109.

My third choice probably won’t be widely understood, and that’s fine, because I do what works for me. Devour by Marilyn Manson at 3:45 - this one I sing. His words bleed together and the low pitch demands I dig deep from my diaphragm to make my sound. Despite the heavier rev up towards the end, I record my pulse once more - 95

My last selection is far and beyond my favorite, and a consistent show closer for me.

Living the Dream by Born Rivals at 4:05 - a swooning dream state I’m always happy to revisit, inspired by feelings I can’t describe but feel so completely.

My experiment ends with a resting pulse of 85. My breathing has returned to normal, if not purposefully winded from my midnight serenade. I’m still slightly damp and phantom itch from the pins and needles sticks with me for a while as I lay there, recovering. I slept for nine hours that night, undisturbed.

The longest panic attack I’ve ever experienced lasted 83 minutes; nearly an hour and a half of hyperventilating, trembling, and nearly unbearable dread.This practice takes about 20 minutes. And can be set up in advance for maximum freak-out protection.

I’m not a doctor and I don’t claim to be an expert in anything, but this is a method that’s worked for me, and one I’ve duplicated successfully several times. I know anxiety and panic and all they bring with them aren’t new concepts; but I won’t scoff at an opportunity to talk about them since it seems the entire world has experienced a bit of an angst-ridden bitch slap this year. 2020 is proving to be a dumpster fire of monumental proportion. Rule books are flying out of windows left and right and everyone is looking for answers. I don’t have any. I’m just a curious bystander, watching things burn to the ground, trying to avoid smoke inhalation.

I think for the most part we’re all just doing what we can, seeking and offering, unsure of the way forward. In those quiet moments when uncertainty digs in its heels, when doubt creeps in and keeps all the air out, when your jackrabbit threatens to burst through its cage, remember that the power to trick yourself goes both ways. Remember to recognize the difference between what you can and can’t control. Remember that you are not powerless.

Remember to hit ‘Play’.

Music Mentioned -

Blood - The Middle East [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7SSC3ex-bA]

Talk Amongst Yourselves - Grand National [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4TcbvqTx84]

Devour - Marilyn Manson [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaEekA7WPLU&t=4s]

Living the Dream - Born Rivals [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxN06Ad9ezk]