Pain is temporary

Everyone experiences pain in their life and some experience more than others. But what's important is how we deal with that pain and how we use those traumatic events to help better ourselves as we try to heal and move forward. When we are faced with difficult circumstances we tend to revert to things that make us feel comfortable because we are trying to avoid that stressful feeling, whatever that may be. Many turn to drinking, drugs, food, toxic people, or environments when things aren't going the way you wanted them to go. Your original plan took a detour, now your stuck in this toxic headspace and don't know how to get out. It sucks, but it's also comfortable in a way because you're avoiding things that you're afraid of. This isn't benefiting you in anyway, but you also don't really care. You don't want to feel like this because it's painful so you try your best to pull yourself out of that negative headspace without completely destroying your mental health and wellbeing. I know its hard. I deal with it almost everyday.

The first time

My story begins or I guess when my world ended for the first time was on October 28, 2015. I was 18 years old and it was my younger sister's 16th Birthday. Our mom decided to walk out and leave her family behind for a new life with a new man. When I got the call from my dad that day that she had left, I couldn't breath. My limbs went limp and I fell to the floor in my apartment kitchen screaming. I honestly couldn't believe that my own mother, who was my best friend my entire life, could just get up and leave her family behind and husband of 25 years. My mind couldn't process it. At the time, I had just started college and was about an hour away from home. So on the weekends I would go home to help out my dad with house work and with my little sister. While it was extremely hard for me to even focus on my school work during this time, I knew that I had to be there for my dad during this very difficult transition in his life as well. I had to push my personal feelings and emotions aside and be strong for the both of them. My dad was mentally destroyed, I watched him slowly deteriorate each week that went past. At the time, I didn't understand entirely what mental health was but I just knew he was extremely sad and depressed. I didn't know what to do to help him. But he didn't want help. He wanted to drink. He wanted to drink a lot. He tried to completely numb his pain with drinking. And it eventually worked.

The second time

The second time my life ended. April 23, 2017, I got a call that ultimately changed my life forever. My father had been admitted to the hospital a few days prior for cirrhosis of the liver due to his alcoholism. When we arrived he was already brain dead and since my mother left, I was the one who had to make these life changing decisions. Like excuse me? I'm only 20 years old and I have to be the one who says it's ok to pull the plug on my own father. After I heard his ribs break from the nurses giving him repeated chest compressions, I finally said stop and I signed the papers for them to give them the right to stop resuscitating him. As my sister screamed from the top of her lungs in the middle of the cold hospital hallway outside of our now dead father's room, "What are we going to do?" she asked me. All I could was hold her as tight and whisper in her ear that I would take care of her and everything would be ok. When in reality, I had no idea what to do. But I would somehow find a way, no matter what.

Third times a charm

April 2018. Fast forward 1 year, by this time I was beaten down from all aspects of my life. I felt so betrayed by my mom because she left us and her actions caused me to lose both parents within a year of each other. So my hatred towards her grew without her even being in my life anymore. I had to deal with so much from my fathers death and trying to keep my sister and I afloat was a constant struggle but somehow I got through that first year. All I can describe that first year of being alive after all the tragedy I went through was just numbness and darkness. It's like I was nothing, didn't feel anything, don't remember a whole lot. I just remember fighting like hell to stay alive and my sister was my number one priority.

With me having so much on my plate I was also dealing with and living in a toxic relationship during this entire life altering process. Talk about icing on the cake during a time where you're supposed to be evolving into the adult version of yourself. In April, I found out that my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years was cheating on me with someone else. This broke everything left that I had in me. It also hit me extremely hard because my dad had literally died from heartbreak just a year before. I thought, why me? Why does the world hate me this much. All I want is to be happy. I didn't have the courage to officially break things off until a few months later. And It was definitely one of the hardest decisions that I've ever had to make.

Battling Mental Health

Growing up, I was not taught anything about mental health. So when things started to happen to me as I got older I didn't know how to handle them. I had no support system, I had nobody to look up to or ask for help. I was completely on my own with my own head from a very young age. Then I got into a long term relationship with someone who didn't support me and didn't understand my mental health, which only led to worsen my problems overtime. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I learned more about the importance of mental health and started to research how the brain works. Educating myself about this literally changed my life (in a good way) Because for the first time I could finally somewhat understand my mind and why I felt certain ways. My family and everyone I had ever been around my entire life flat out just didn't deal with their emotions. They used alcohol to cope with their anxiety and depression. If you're sad, drink. If you miss somebody, drink. If you don't know what to do, drink. If you're happy, drink. Literally the answer to everything was drinking. It was all I knew. And It scared me. I've seen what excessive alcohol use can do to a person and how it affects the people around them. I don't want to be like my family. I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my parents, that I would break this mold that my family has created for themselves. I want to actually be there for myself and my future family. It hasn't been easy dealing with these constant mental health issues that I face every single day when I wake up. Its exhausting.

Guilt

If I've learned anything from these past years, is that guilt does absolutely nothing. You're allowed to feel guilty for things, for sure, totally normal. But it's when that guilt takes over your everyday life is when it becomes an issue. You can't "un feel" guilt but you can change how you react to the situation you feel guilty about. You can be beaten down 100 times but if you get up and turn those 100 negative things into 1 positive outcome, it may not feel worth it at first, but it eventually will. I promise.

Forgivness

Another big thing that I've struggled with is forgiveness. From those who have hurt me, from myself, from things that I can't even control. I'm not one to hold a grudge against anybody. But I've found peace in believing in forgiveness but I won't be able to ever forget. No matter how hard I try or want to. But that's ok. I've forgiven my mom for all the wrong she'e done to me and put me through. You can't change the past, but only focus on the future. it's hard to live with regret and I choose to not live that way anymore.

My why

In the past 5 years... I went through things that most shouldn't have to ever experience, things some people may never actually experience in their lifetime. I had to make a lot of decisions that I didn't want to make. I grew up fast. I lost everything, but I gained a whole new perspective. I learned that life isn't easy and tragedy really can be a beautiful thing, but only if you choose to see it that way and not to dwell too much on the negative. Life is way too short..

Choose happiness, Take chances, eliminate toxic things, and dive deep into what your passionate about. Only you can create your own destiny. Learn how to change your perspective on life, focus on yourself, because YOU are the only one who can make that change. Find your why to keep moving forward. Because I want happiness.

And always remember that that pain you're feeling right now, it's only temporary.