Open In Case of Mental Emergency

Okay, storm hasn't ended yet and it's still thundering and raining outside. Winds howling and pelting raindrops slam against the window. Scared? Probably not? Prepared? Always.

Imagine your biggest fear, whether it be as big as death, the end of the world, or as small as stepping outside your own front door. Possibly as minimal as throwing back the covers and tiptoeing to the bathroom after a bad dream.

Are you prepared to handle your fears? Do you run and hide scared of the world ? or are you one of the brave ones who can face anything head on. No shield, armor or protection from your torment, whether it be internal or external.

People prepare themselves for a tornado or severe storm by stowing away a first aid kit so they are not left stranded without having something to fall back on. Usually it consists of bandaids, candles, radio, water etc. But have you ever considered preparing yourself a first aid kit for a mental emergency.

If you have ever suffered from depression or anxiety, panic attacks, or any other dehiblilitating condition, it is hard to face alone. It makes you think of things that you wouldn't normally think about. When you are in that head space you do just that. Think, think and think some more until you have thought yourself into a world that you created. Most of the time it is not a place that you need to stay in very long. My mind is a dangerous place to be. Suicide and self harm are a go to for me when I am in that place.

The only thing that brings me out of this deep dark place is to go to my happy places. Things that make me feel better about myself or just feel better period. So think on this one. Create yourself a mental emergency kit for those days. Mine includes pleasures of the actual world.

A box containing things that bring me to a place where I can feel peace and joy. Yours can contain whatever you want. Let's take a look inside the box that does it for me.

One pack of cigarettes to calm my nerves and satisfy that nicotine addiction that I just cannot seem to kick. Also the thought of lighting a cigarette reminds me of my parents. Inhaling calming smoke and exhaling the anxiety that life causes.

One lighter to light said cigarettes, or to burn a journal entry that was for my eyes only or is too painful or tear soaked to read again. Or to place the flame against my skin to remind myself that pain changes people and creates scars that only we can see. If only that flame could rid the pain or the bad memories that plague each and every one of us at some point and time.

One box cutter knife just in case I decide to actually get the nerve to do what is on my brain. Most of the time I come back to my happy place before it is actually needed. Self harm puts the internal pain into a different place; Brings it to the external surface and makes me forget all the pain that I cannot seem to put into words or tears cannot describe.

One set of pictures that makes me think of myself when I feel the most beautiful, or bring back the best and happiest memories of me and my family. Alive or not, pictures are the only way to preserve someone the way they are when that picture was taken. You don't want to remember someone at their worst and I'm sure they dont want you to remember them in their worst state physically or mentally. Ensuring I include one of each of my children because they are the reason I am still here today. They are the reason I breathe. They always seem to bring me back to a place where I remind myself daily that I have to fight because it is my job as a mother to be here and take care of myself so I can set an example of how a mother is supposed to love her kids.

One make up bag containing a few basic things: jet black eyeliner because it takes all the attention away from my ugly smile. Waterproof mascara that can survive my worst mental breakdown. Usually painting my face still when i finish crying my eyes out over whatever seems to be troubling me when my body allows my negativity to escape through my eyes. Dark eyeshadow , again to draw attention to a better feature, my dark eyes that are a window that allow a peak into my troubles if only for a brief moment. Concealer to hide my external blemishes. If only there were a concealer that could hide my scars on the inside.

One hard covered journal with acid free paper. Wide ruled so it can accomodate my handwriting as it changes with the mood of my entry. Preferably one with a black string to mark my place, as I tend to forget where I leave off. But I can always feel the mood of what I write if I go back and read it because I tend to over describe my pain so you can feel what I feel if you were to take a page out of my journal you could take a page out of my pain.

One Black Bic Gelocity ink pen. With quick dry ink so the pages don't become smeared with ink when my hand goes faster than my brain when i get on one of my benders where I like to write every single thing that comes to my mind and I cant seem to get my feelings out fast enough. It also tends to withstand the tear drops that hit the pages as my feelings fly from my pen.

One bag of chocolate candy so I can indulge in one of life's little pleasures. If I had my choice it would be dark Hershey kisses with the cherry in the center. They tend to have the perfect amount of sweetness and the cherry adds just a little bit of tart. The little things tend to help ease some of my pain.

One candle of my favorite scent. I would pick crisp apple. It reminds me of my mother drying apples outside in a pillowcase for dried apple pies. One of my favorite memories was laying on the concrete next to three or four pillowcases filled with peeled sliced apples that mom had prepared for freezing. The scent always seems to take me back to a positive memory of my childhood.

One suboxone. The little cure all pill that seems to help me when I lose my nerves or get that withdrawl feeling. I know it isn't made for the internal withdrawls from people or memories or pain. Wouldn't that be a wonderful invention, if it could keep you from withdrawling from people that are no longer with you or that broke your heart. They help with the physical symptoms of withdrawl from a substance, like my old arch nemesis the Percocet. They helped me through my time of pain being diagnosed with cancer several years back. My dealer was the doctor and he cut me off cold turkey so I was faced to find a dealer on the street. But thanks to my husband I never had to deal with that he always did that for me. He knew what it is like to physically be in pain and see me in physical pain. I think that is also another reason I always seem to reach for the sub, because there is no pain pill alive that will ever kill the pain of a heartbreak. Ever. It also reminds me of the awful pain that it is like to go through pain pill withdrawl. Lord knows that is an awful feeling internally but no where near the awful feeling of someone who murdered your heart.

One vibrator. Something to ease the frustrations and feelings that seem to be gone once it's done it's job since your husband decided he no longer wanted that position. Nuff said.

One phone. All the memories in the world combined in one little device. Voicemails of people no longer here so you can hear their voice once again when you never thought you could. Phone numbers of people you care about so you can text them and get a little bit of support when you have those unbearable days and you don't feel so alone. You can go back and read loving messages from those you care about, in a time they once actually cared. All the music the phone would hold because music always takes me to a fantasy world where no pain exists and makes me higher than any drug ever could. Music never ceases to make me feel better and never breaks promises or lets me down. Never says hurtful words or calls me names. It brings back memories good or bad.

One pair of earbuds to listen to said music, with the best speakers to accommodate the loudest setting possible. Loud enough to drown out all the outside world noises and things that I don't want to hear. They need to be wired so no matter where I am they will stay plugged in, even if i have to tuck it in my

One copy of my favorite book. This one is a difficult choice. It would have to be one I could read over and over and over again and never tire of it. If I had to choose an author other than myself I would choose Stephen King Stand by me: Fall of Innocence The body. One of the best ever written in my opinion If not I would choose a book filled with all of my own writings. That would be chocked full of memories that grew as I grew as a person and as a writer. Pain, love, death, growth, addiction. Whatever I was going through at the time. Writing always seems to keep me centered and draws all the extra feelings that my body can't seem to hold in all at one time. They also allow me to become my alter ego Aj Thomas.

One comfy baggy shirt that smells like my favorite men's cologne. Reminding me of a certain person that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin and never made me feel ugly about myself at all. Wraps me in a blanket of positive self esteem and endless positivity.

One bottle of black nail polish. For several reasons. First, my dad hated the smell of nail polish. My sisters and I used to paint our nails in the same room as him just to piss him off and see if he would say anything. Second, black nail polish covers up all my flaws and imperfections on my ugly toes. Third black goes with everything.

One bullet from a 12 gauge. To keep a reminder of my father. He left this world too soon because of the weight of the world bore too much for his shoulders to carry. Also as a reminder that there is a lot to live for and not to take myself away from people too soon. because once it has been fired, there is no turning back and reminds me to think before i act and how it is going to affect other people once it has been done and you cant erase the pain after the echo of the gunfire settles.

One roll of duct tape. To close this box and save it for a mental emergency.