Once Lost & Now Reborn

How is it possible that you can go ahead in your life and not care about your first child. If things were different would you have changed anything? Would you have cared just a little about me if anything happened in my life. Did you think your life would’ve been any different if you didn't have me. Did you even want me in your life? Did you even think I wasn't meant to be in this world? Did you love me? As many times as you’ll tell me you love me, but it’s hard to believe. You were never there when the biggest struggle in my life happened, where I never got support for. As a child you never asked me how I felt or what was crossing my mind. I was just a kid. Did you ever see me scared? Did you ever tell me “sweetie its ok let's get out of here”. Did you ever realize my hurt? Why did you ever think that I never needed you. Did you ever think that I wasn't ever important to you. I'm just a child, I never got an addiction to anything. The only addiction or obsession I wanted was a mother’s love.

What I did get was an obsession towards why I wasn't ever loved. Why give rejection to a child, if you know you wouldn’t have been a good mother. A mother is supposed to give love and affection, protection, towards her family, especially to their kids. You nevertold me the words I wanted to hear when I was a kid. The four letter word I never heard as a child “ I LOVE YOU”. I wanted to hear that from you, but I never did. What I only heard was to never call you mom. Basically you gave up on me. You never valued me as your child. All you did was show me what not to do as a mother. You never once called and said “SWEETIE I'M SORRY”. All you’ve said lies through my whole life, so how do I or will I believe you with everything you’ve done to me in life. You never showed up to any of my graduations or special events. You never ever said to yourself why can’t I do it. Why can’t I be there for my daughter?

Did you ever bother to ask yourself why can’t or won’t be successful in life? Have you asked yourself why your daughter can’t , won’t have a relationship with you. Its many things in my head that hurt me;that's one thing you’ll never figure out, because you never bother to ask. Why didn't you ever explain things to me; for example when I would ask you about my dad or the story where I came to your unwanted life. Oh wait, I forgot that you won’t speak about your past or how your life was. If you would’ve wanted me you would have made it possible in every way to make yourself successful. What I do want to know is ; why not fight for me? Why not make it better to become a better mom? Instead of 30 years later becoming a better mom with someone who isn't me. You show love & affection to them more than you did to me. You tell them everyday you love them, that you care about them; what about me I never heard once that you were proud of me. I never felt the love of a mother. I always felt it from other people; other people said they loved me, others said things to me that not even my mother would tell me.

Many times I thought, why did I have to suffer through my whole life? Sometimes I think that I was never good enough for you because you never were there for me. So what makes you think that I want to do anything with you; or to even think that anything in your life interests me. How can someone care when others don’t ; I mean when was the last time you ever told me anything or even called and said to me that you’ve cared for me my whole life or that you will get involved. Do you even know how our life started; how we came to the situation we ended up in? Let me explain it to you. The day that I don’t remember when you said to me not to call you mom; that's the day that I knew you didn't want me in your life. That day I got sad, depressed, rejected; call it what you want, but at that time when I was that small I never understood, now I do. Since that day I changed myself to not depend on you coming back to my life.

I never expected the best from you; because the best you could’ve done was to give me the best chance. When you gave me the best chance that was the best and the worst because you turned me into the hands of a rapist. But of course though you didn’t know because you were never around. Honestly, who I blame for my wreckless life is you, because out of all people; who should’ve believed me was you but you never did. All you did was stand there and ignore what was going on. You never stood up for me or even for yourself, when you did you grew scared of what others said to you and you ran away like a coward. All you do is think of yourself, in what you want to do not for what others want. When I was growing up I had flashbacks from when I was with you where I was happy.

I remember when you would take me to church and you wouldn’t be ashamed of me; but of course things slowly changed. You never gave me a warning when things turn the other way. I was just getting used to having a relationship with you. Did I embarrass you in any way? Or did I just get in your way of happiness? How does a child forget anything from their childhood, when constantly they have to be reminded how to talk, speak, and behave. Answer that question at least for me; oh wait you can’t because you don’t know what the answer is. Many answers run through my mind by trying to put myself in your shoes, I can’t come across the fact that how does a mother neglect her child or at least one of them.

How can you still be friends with an enemy, the one that hurt me the most. The one that once called herself my mother! Do you know what she did? Do you know how I was treated by her? You don’t because you never asked me. You never bothered to defend me at the time I was being mistreated in front of you. How could you know?; I mean you didn’t think it would hurt me at some point. Did you know, I was being raped by the man that called himself my father. I remember you were so ready to be free of me, because you even offered them to adopt me. You were ready to be a free woman and acting like nothing was wrong. You never bothered to call once to see how I was doing in school or if I had gotten home safe.

You knew everything that happened with me 24/7. How could you not, you were told by someone else besides me. I would be so scared to wake up and you would not be there. I would sneak out so HE wouldn’t see me because I was frightened of him. At first there was no issue for him to buy supplies for school for me. It was an issue to his wife because she started to get jealous over a 9 yr old. Isn't that just ridiculous; seriously lady get your act together, HAHAHA. What I didn't catch on was the constant calls, visits, caringness. Did I see it coming? NOPE! All I thought that crossed my mind was that “I LOVED BEING DADDY’s GIRL”. Then everything changed with a blink of an eye. Thinking to myself it’s just a game that it wouldn’t happen again. Little did I know it kept occuring till I was ten and a half, when I was forced to touch areas a 10 yr old shouldn’t touch.

A little after that did you know that I was being watched taking shower and getting dressed; of course you didn’t know because you weren’t there. Until the worst nightmare came to my life where there was more than touching; where the daddy you wanted for me penetrated me! Did you know that?! No you didn’t because no one believed me and then with a blink of an eye I wasn't a “VIRGIN”. Its a shocker isn’t how detailed I can be; that's how it went. Doesn’t it suck by being raped by a person you love I mean you went through it too?! Didn't you! Did you ever think that I was never going to be taken away without even knowing why? I was tired of being mentally and sexually abused so I cracked and told; did that ruin it for you. Of course it didn't, you were still living there with him! You never left; why?

Did you even care just a little; I doubt it because you were still there and never bothered to have me back in your life. Why did you leave me in the hands of someone else? I’ll tell you why; because you were still too young that is what you told me. So it made it a lot easier for you because instead of lying you actually had to tell the truth about not having kids. I bet you were relieved weren't you, I'm sure you were; you deserve a round of applause. You didn't I know I missed you or at least wanted to hear your voice; I guess you didn’t because you called me once and saw me once and that was an obligation and you became history. It never crossed your mind how I felt or if I was suffering at all; I really doubt it because you only saw me once after being in the foster system and then you basically vanished out of my life. You really thought I would never tell someone what you were capable of by leaving your child and ignoring them for 7 years!

How my story began was when everything spiraled when you decided to abandon me. You never thought that you were hurting me by leaving me alone with a monster; I mean did it ever cross your mind what could’ve happened to me. I mean did it ever cross your mind how I was being treated, how I could’ve been hurt. Mom’s aren’t supposed to act like you did where they abandoned their kids. The life that you gave me is the life that I feel like I’m giving my kids, where I don’t care and how I treat them because that is how you treated me. Its hard enough to deal with my childhood; I can’t complain that it was good,how would you know if you were never there.When my step dad molested me when I was 9-10 years old I never felt the same. I felt gross inside and out I never felt safe anywhere I would be. I never thought that I would have a life without questioning myself. Am I good enough? Many times I thought to myself why guys just would look at me and want one thing. Why I couldn't have a normal boyfriend or for some of them to even bet if they can get something out of me. I never thought that my life would be how it is disappointing in what I've become. As a kid I thought that, because of my tragedy I would be a lot worse, but I was actually relieved.

Even though I’ve lived in a foster home most of my life; that is where I felt I suffered most. You didn’t show up for me like you should’ve, you never called; you obviously never cared. I can’t believe you gave up on me, where you left me in the hands of strangers. I don’t believe a mother could ever do that to their own child. Before I was put in a foster home, I remember the exact day that I was taken away and I was so scared. I was on my way to my other class and then my teacher said to me the principal needed to see me, little did I know that it was a detective waiting for me in the office to remind me of what was going on with me. I remember the detective trying to get it out of me and wanting to make me confess and accuse my rapist, I just couldn’t do it. So the lady that I started calling mom, the one that was the wife of my rapist, wasn't able to take me to the station so I left with the detective. I got to the station and I was there for hours, my family couldn’t see me or talk to me and in that little time that I was there since they were told they couldn’t see me, they were all gone and left me alone.

In my thoughts of a child I wondered what I was doing wrong, but I guess I wasn't the problem. That same night at the station I was crying all night. I couldn’t believe my mom left me and everyone else that said they loved me as well. I couldn’t have felt more lonely in my life since that day. I was hurt, disappointed, discouraged; I didn’t feel good enough to anyone. That same night I was sent to a temporary home that made me feel frightened; I didn't feel safe because there was another kid. It didn't feel safe, but it was safe. I was just having trust issues because I didn’t know if I was going to get hurt or molested again. I remember that night I had a nightmare and I wet the bed; I was embarrassed and I didn’t want the other kid to see. For some reason I started to lose interest in what I wore and how I started acting, I stopped caring.

How did you think my life was going to go? It was horrible for me because even though I was always smiling I was dying inside. I didn’t speak about my problems at all because I was always scared to share my feelings. It took me 2 years to finally speak about what happened to me, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed of getting judged. When I was finally able to speak about my issues I cried like I have never done before. I blamed myself for everything that had happened to me that was my fault. I’ve felt guilty my whole life thinking I was dirty and obviously I was always being used for sex; so what does it matter now. I stopped caring what guys wanted from me; I didn’t know if they wanted to use me or abuse me. I had rough teenage years; I was always a side piece, the one that no one cared for was the one that was used and abused. How could I get past that I couldn’t because I never knew how to have a relationship; or even what to expect. Was I looking for a father figure; maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t, I mean it’s hard enough to think that if I was looking for a father figure might as well go back to my rapist, am I right?

How can you explain a girl that has been sexually assaulted to even act or be normal. I may look forward and smile, but in reality i’m in the same place and the same mindset as when I was 9-10 years of age. It was difficult having to talk to detectives, social workers, therapists, etc; It felt like no one believed anything I would say even though they said they did. It’s hard enough to realize what people can do to you and not think that they are hurting you. When you're not able to talk to anyone about your problems, it’s the most irritating situation there can ever be; for the reason that I couldn’t tell my own family. When a family is so unsupportive its not a good thing because that’s what puts us into a depressed mood.