old friends

I have never shared this story, yet again I don't think I have fully understood what happened to me until a few years ago. Memories I have that almost feel like they were a dream. I was so young, I believe it was my first traumatic situation, that is the only explanation on why it still plays in my head clear as day.

I was in first grade, what an age to have a traumatic experience. I live in a cul de sac, with multiple kids that went to my same school. Only one of the kids happened to be a girl, her name was Alexandria, she was my best friend. Looking back at it, I don't think I comprehended the meaning of a true friendship, but she was the only girl I ever had over multiple times. Her family and I were close, I liked them more than my family at the time, but I do believe that's how all kids felt at a certain age, mine just started early.

Her family would always have me over for dinner, game night, and everything in between, it was a normal day if I got to go over there. She lived across the street from me.

She was in third grade, with a brother in 6th I believe, all I know is he was years older than me.

I forgot the situation that happened but I always had a dark sense of humor. One day, Alexandria got mad at her grandma, whom I loved. I was never close to my grandma, so she was like family to me. Alexandria was crying and I was trying to comfort her as much as I could, but somehow awful words came out of my mouth. I said "If you hate her so much, just go stab her with a pair of chopsticks."

I laughed after saying that, it was a joke. Maybe I am a psychopath looking back at it, what kind of first grader says that? I guess that's what I get for being put into public school. Anyways, she didn't think it was funny, but why would she?

She looked at me, gasped, and told me she is going to go tell her grandma that I said that. My heart sunk, I was in first grade, when you are at that age, nothing seems more important than NOT being in trouble. The older we get the more we don't care about consequences, but when you are young, it feels like the end of the world, like in that moment, you are taking your last breath of air, and you are going to die.

She ran to her grandma while I run behind her begging her to not. She runs into the room, she looks at her grandma and said, "Hey Grandma, guess what?" She looked at me and smiled. I felt right there that her grandma was going to turn around and beat the hell out of me.

Her grandma said, "What?" Alexandria took one last look at me, and told her grandma that she loves her. I was so grateful, I was relieved, all the tension in my body went away, but it wouldn't of if I knew what she was going to pull next.

We went into her room and I asked her why she did that, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes she stole from her grandma. She got a lighter, and told me to smoke. I, of course, told her no, like the little angel I was, but she said she would tell her grandma what I said if I didn't do what she said. So you can kind of see why I do what I do. Clearly, I should've let her just tell her grandma but as a little girl, that was the only thing so important to me. It felt and acted like life or death.

Days go on and more and more things happen with the same thing held over my head. She took me into her room, she'd force me to smoke cigarettes, and one time she laid down on her bed, took off her pants, gave me a marker, and told me to put it in this hole. In and out she told me, she told me to blow on her vagina, and at this age, I knew nothing of what was going on.

After a while, she then said she has to show me something. She brought me into her brothers room, and then she told me to pull down my pants. As I am still scared of her telling her grandma I did whatever she said, I was her slave. I told her I was scared, so she showed me. She pulled down her pants, had sex with her brother, which I didn't know was wrong at the time, nor did I know anything about sex, I thought okay. I did it.

I believe that is the reason I believe sex is so important. I was so scared and careful about who had sex with me. I always wanted it to be special, to make me feel special. But also with age, people having sex with me when I didn't want them too, I let it go. It wasn't a big deal. I was raped. I don't like using the word rape because it holds so much power and vulnerability. I have been raped 5 times. All by different people. Manipulated to have sex even more than I can probably count. But to me, not having a choice was normal.

To some people it fucks them up alot, mentally. And it did fuck me up mentally, just in a different way. The older I got, the more I realized and the more I wish I could go back. But I can't, and what happened back then shaped me to be the person I am today, which I am learning to love.

The world is cruel, but an angel will always sin.