Feeling alone

Everyday is starting to feel the same. I feel like I wake up, go through my day, go to bed, wake up and repeat. It's getting to the point where I wonder if I can even take care of my pets, which worries me.

I have lost motivation to works for my dreams and goals. I catch myself overthinking all the time. I recently have been feeling my boyfriend is going to break up with me, I tend to over complicate things and sometimes I just get this gut feeling and it is hurting me everyday. I feel as if I am worrying about it so much, I am manifesting it, and yet I can't get myself to stop.

With a pandemic, I feel as a lot of people are feeling in a funk right now. Some lost their jobs, some live comfortably, some still have jobs, and then there is the homeless. When and how did the world become so fucked up? How did we ever get from caveman to destroying the world? And thats if you believe in revolution.

Some days I don't believe in anything and want to just end my life. We all live to die, so what is the point? When it comes down to it, I can't because if there was an afterlife, I wouldn't forgive myself for putting my family through that heartbreak, of losing their child to depression.

On another note, I'm adopted. What does that have anything to do with anything? I thought I knew my past, and what genes I inherited, but I didn't. My biological mother actually has a very alcoholic and drug abusive past. In my teens, I definitely smoked and drank a lot, which I started to heavily, and didn't realize how that was connected to my inability to stop. She also had severe depression, so I got everything bad from her.

I wish I could be the happy girl, full of energy, brightening up the room with my smile, but instead I'm the one with black hair, being quiet, drinking alcohol and smoking weed, sitting on the couch by myself. The one who cries herself to sleep, who has a resting bitch face, the one who ruins good friendships because she feels like she doesn't deserve.

How does one find their worth? Because I am lost in the maze of life.

I feel like no matter what I do it isn’t good enough. I feel unaccomplished in life, and even if I did succeed in my goals, would I still feel this way? What will satisfy me? Am I unappreciative?

Money isn’t supposed to be your happiness, but even a little bit of financial help doesn’t feel like enough. I want to be able to afford things for my family, get them things they have always wanted in life, but I can’t. I can barely afford my car insurance, my rent, and I work full time. I work so hard and don’t feel like I get recognized or appreciated, so I stopped working hard. I want the world to know my name, but not sure if I’d like the outcome of it. I want to touch people's hearts with my words through singing, but I tell myself I can’t, because I’m not Ariana Grande, I am not Billie Eilish, why would I try when there are artists like that out there? I am nobody, will forever be a nobody. I’m just a lonely soul, but on the sphere in a galaxy where there is no end. I can’t find the point of this life.