Obsessively, Compulsively Demystifying.

I have had an obsessive, compulsive brain for a while now. Getting lightly teased at Secondary school on account of my 'quirky' neatness (unfortunately this compulsion only pops up when I am extremely stressed and I rather fall more into the hoarder category when it comes to mess). People would harmlessly move parts of my nicely organised desk, a pencil, pen, ruler, rubber - any piece of stationary would do. This was when I was alerted to my particular type of disordered behaviour, when really its roots were darker and deeper and far more cemented than I realised.

As I grew older I learned of other variations of the disorder such as intrusive thoughts and the compulsions that followed to 'neutralise' them. This one struck a chord and I was suddenly transported to being 7 years old, looking above me whilst lying in bed, trying my hardest to focus on counting all of the corners of the ceiling 100 times (each) before I went to sleep - the agony of forgetting where I was in the sequence and the torture of having to start again from the top. Not exactly as calming as counting sheep. Tears would fill my eyes and I would think "I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep." But I couldn't, why? Because my family would die, horrifically. It would be my fault, I would have caused a massacre. So onwards I went. God forbid I fell asleep half way through the sequence, the self-punishment for that was excruciating.

I went on with my life from that point knowing I had the disorder, but not quite realising how much of my life it had embedded its code into. I didn't want to consider myself as truly diagnosed, in case I had got it wrong, because what did I know? Even after going through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) my intrusive thoughts, my compulsions and catastrophic ideas of the future, present and past stayed put - buried deep and seeping through my pores. I thought that because some of my compulsions only flared up in extreme situations (hand washing, serious counting, symmetry, light switches, taps, running up and down steps a certain way, checking, biting, picking, etc), that it meant I wasn't a true sufferer, whatever that may be. It wasn't until recently that I realised I have other compulsions that follow intense obsessions that dictate and have dictated my daily life.

Before I continue, here are some OCD related thoughts I have struggled with over the years:

- I believed I was pregnant (Ages 5-11).

This got so bad at one point I came up in hives and bloated due to the stress I caused myself.

- I believed I had a terminal illness and was contracting it to others (On and off from age 9 - present).

- I believed I was a sexual predator/deviant (Ages 5 - present).

- I believed I was a manipulative liar (Ages 15 - present).

- I have prayed nightly (switching deities and other metaphysical beings as I grew) since the age of 7. It began out of pure fear, fear that if I did not carry out this compulsion, I would have to watch my family die (you see a theme here). This particular compulsion has changed its shape as I have made my way through life and I know now that it is a form of OCD called 'Scrupulosity'. I have been working for some time to alter the way I carry out this compulsion, putting myself and my wellbeing before carrying out the compulsion, but it is still extremely hard not to.

- I like to know what time all things are happening, what is happening, how it is happening and who will be there when it is happening, how long we will be there, how busy it will be, how loud others will be, will there be a clear exit, a bathroom big enough for a panic attack, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE, when do I get to go home? Where it is safe, where I can crawl into bed and watch something to distract the patterns?

- Let's not forget that perfectionism has its roots in OCD too, something I have always suffered with. Perfectionism on the surface is absolutely fine and can help as opposed to hinder, or sometimes help and hinder at the same time. The unhealthy side of perfectionism is typically characterised by obsessing over the prospect of failure and past/future failures, failing both yourself and others. This can mean that you don't even start the assignment that is due because you are already convinced that you will fail, rewriting an essay/letter/text countless times in order to get it perfect, not believing in your own ability to check your work, doubts surrounding your intelligence and thinking others are simply pandering, lying or trying not to upset you when they refute your claims (if you express them).

- I still struggle with the idea that I may have offended people, in my past, present and future. These thoughts keep me up at night because they are hard to check and gain reassurance.

There are others, but I'm still not ready to completely confront them yet.

As you can see, these thoughts have been an unfortunately large part of my life and realistically I have struggled for around 18 years with OCD and other offshoots of it. It's hard to admit that, because it feels like saying my whole life has been hijacked by a parasite, this whole time I have have been a co-pilot. When these thoughts come into play, it starts to feel as though you have never had any control over your life and now you are faced with being the main pilot, which is both incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying.

But, I should state that my childhood, though difficult was made infinitely better from the support of my core people - I wasn't consistently forlorn and usually the thoughts were dispelled by people around me, who reassured me constantly (another pattern that has followed me up until now). Even as I write this I can feel the urge for you to know that I know I am not, nor have ever been in the worst situation and have always had support; but to remind myself publicly, that doesn't mean that my experience isn't valid.

OCD has dismantled my trust in myself, or it never gave me a chance to build that trust. I'm only now discovering that I'm going to have to do a lot of rewiring in order to rework those patterns that have been intricately laced within me with and I'm scared.

Control is of the utmost importance here and the fact of the matter is, we lack a lot of the control that we desire. We cannot control the outcomes of life and its little quirks and we must learn to live with that. Make no mistake, OCD is a battle, of which I am and have been trying to overcome for a while. Some beautiful, reassuring news on the subject is that ERP (Exposure Response Prevention - a form of therapy), has a success rate of between 75%-85%; so things are looking up. Research into the subject is expanding and people are talking about it more as opposed to being filled with shame and guilt at the mere mention of the topic. Shame and guilt are hinderers in the expedition to recovery.

But as I sit here in this moment, two weeks away from beginning a new form of 12 week therapy, I am hopeful. One thing OCD hasn't seemed to effect is my inner hope and longing for a better, more comfortably uncertain life.

For more information, see below for resources and helplines:

https://www.ocdaction.org.uk/getting-support/help-and-information-line

https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/about-mental-illness/learn-more-about-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/about-ocd/

https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd

https://www.yourhealthinmind.org/mental-illnesses-disorders/ocd

https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/types-ocd-get-breakdown/