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not so sweet dreams

by ASHLEY SMITH 2 years ago in anxiety
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bad nights with frights

I have often read that at least part of the dreams you have at night are based on the last things you think of before you sleep. My mind must be going off on some bizarre tangents I don't notice if this is true. Its not always the case that I remember dreams or that they gradually disperse as I wake up. For the first time that I can recall I physically woke my self as I reacted to something in the dream and even woke my fiancé. I can usually pick her up and move her if she's on my side of the bed so I presume my reaction to the dream was violent.

I have vague memories of something coming at me to attack me. I presume it was animal as I think it was going for my chest or throat as I woke with my arms flailing in front of me. I calmed quite quickly as I woke up enough to clear the dream, my partner calmed me as well and we both dozed off.

The dreams vividness and violence seem to be connected to my time on anti depressants. Its almost as if they make my day better but nights worse. The first stint on them I still remember dreams of being stabbed and in one case dying after being shot. Perhaps I have an advantage of being a very poor sleeper who gets disturbed easily so sometimes the dreams wake me. Saying that I wake remembering a longer dream but then struggle to hold on to the memories, good or bad.

For some reason my ex wife has appeared a few times, which is scary enough as it is. Maybe its because I was due to get married for the second time soon, at least until the virus hit. She usually appears as fairly horrid character, pretty much as she is to me on the rare occasions I have seen her since I left. What else happens doesn't stick for long, although I think she replaces other people who I should be thinking of.

The only logical dreams I have are the ones that wake me for the night time visit to the toilet. Wherever I am in a dream there seems to be the need for a toilet. Usually I cant find it or cant get in to it, maybe its my brain telling me to get up and find my own.

The things I day dream of and think of as I try to sleep never feature in the dreams I can remember. Perhaps if I think of horrible stuff going to sleep then the nights would be better. I do have some memory being part of Doctor Who's entourage during a daring escape from a foe. My dad was there as was the comedian and actor Stephen Fry. Naturally this ok dream was spoilt by the toilet visit and a dream I wanted to maintain or get back in was gone.

I do remember a few years ago I could somehow trigger a recurring dream and run it start to finish. It involved being in an old town mixed with my home town. I spent a long time evading a small army by climbing up and over various buildings in order to reach the theatre I once worked in. I had to carefully reach the stage, again by climbing a lot and once reaching the backstage I stopped a crime being committed. It was a good dream and like a few others involved climbing things a lot.

Maybe in a few years there will be an insert you can plug in and you can choose dreams from a list. Pay for nice dreams every night and block bad ones. I have had a couple of sporting ones, such as a high scoring batting score in cricket. That would be perfect every night.

I know my fiancé has vivid dreams as well as they can be so real to upset her for the day afterwards. Even being angry with me or scared because of something she dreamed I said or did. Maybe in that case its better to forget at night, maybe its because she's such a heavy sleeper. Here's hoping for sweeter dreams tonight. I just wish I knew how to have them and how to control them. I wake knowing they were fake but can still upset for a while.


About the author


England based carer, live with girlfriend. will write for all areas but especially mental health and disability. though as stuff for filthy seems popular will try there too

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