Not Enough

That feeling the you get when you're sitting alone in the dark. It wells up in you. Choking... Constricting... You can't breathe, but you keep it to yourself not wanting anyone to know. Its the voices in your head telling you; you're not good enough... You're not strong... You can't handle this... Its something everyone deals with, but nobody talks about.

Its the weight on your chest pushing down as hard as it can. This is pushing you to believe there's only one way out, but you're stronger than that and you don't give into the temptation. There's still people here that need you whether they acknowledge it or not.

Think of all the children who have lost a parent because of this. Think of the parents that lost their children. Think of the brothers and sisters who lost a sibling to this. Think of the grandparents that lost grandchildren that they relied on because of this.

Sometimes we feel unappreciated... Unwanted... Worthless... A waste of space... Because we don't hear what we need to hear from those that need us most. Sometimes they forget or have other things going on and forget to tell you. Sometimes you even have to drag it out of them. It shouldn't have to be this way. Everyone wants to hear they're good for something. Everyone wants to hear gratitude for something they have done.

Its hard sometimes to keep going because of the feeling you aren't good enough, but you keep going for those that need you most regardless of your feelings. You keep pushing... You keep trying... No matter how hard it gets. No matter if you're tired. Worn down and just want to give up.

You have a reason to live. To fight. In most cases your reasons are standing right in front of you. Your children. Your parents. Your siblings. Your grandparents. Your friends. Its hard sometimes to continue on, but you do it for them. Not for you, but for them. They're your reasons for being here. They're your reasons to keep fighting even when you just want to fall. They are your everything. Regardless if you get no gratitude for what you have done for them.

You're love for your family and friends is your lifeline that keeps you from falling over the edge and giving into the voices inside your head. Just keep reminding yourself you can do this and you will.

These feelings are depression biting at your insides. Slowly taking away your sanity. I know these feelings. I know what the voices tell me, but I don't give in. I don't give up and I don't surrender. Since I was young I have battled with these demons on a daily basis. Sometimes almost giving into them, but my story doesn't here. I refuse to back down.

I have my reasons for living. My five children... My mother... My grandmother... My boyfriend... And even though I don't get the appreciation I would like to get sometimes I still keep going for them. Its not me I'm fighting for. Its them...

Thank you for reading. I hope this helps someone who is feeling this way and know that you are appreciated. You are loved and you are needed. Don't give in and never give up. There’s still more fight in you. You can do anything if you set your mind to it. I wrote this after speaking with a friend who was battling the same issues as I. My hope is that this will reach those that need to know they’re not alone. There’s more people fighting this who aren’t formally diagnosed.