Normy and the New Year

December 31 Normy and the New Year

Fireworks are already going off outside and its twenty minutes before midnight. This is our first New Year’s Eve in five years that we are fairly certain our daughter is clean and sober. We know where she is. For a parent who has never dealt with addiction, this may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is every birthday wish I’ve made these last few years. As the clock ticks toward the New Year I am so thankful for this simple pleasure; knowing my daughter is safe tonight. We removed all the alcohol from the house before the holidays and let all our family that would be visiting, there would be no alcohol in our home because we do understand that sobriety can be so fragile especially in the beginning.

We didn’t know last year who she was with, what city she was in, and judging from pictures posted on social media what drug she was on, but is sure looked like she was on something. It’s funny; as I hear car alarms starting to go off with the fireworks I am feeling peaceful. As the mother of an addict in recovery I have loved her too much. I know that now after years of reading books like Cheryl Erwin and Jane Nelsen's Book, 'Parents Who Love Too Much', and Melody Beattie's book, 'Codependent No More' that I am not responsible for my daughter becoming an addict but I definitely enabled her when I tried to help and protect her from consequences. Although “codependent” seems too mild a word to describe my status in the last five years. That seems like a coasting state and an upgrade from being the loved one of an addict, I’ve found myself in recent years sitting in Al-Anon meetings and actually envying the loved ones of an alcoholic. I know how crazy that sounds. At least with alcoholism it appears they will have YEARS to be codependent, as long as the alcoholic doesn’t drink and drive or binge drink themselves into alcohol poisoning.

As the parent of an addict, I now know that every hit she takes could be one and done. She could be dead with an overdose EVERY time she uses. My daughter is frequently attending memorial services of friends of hers that have overdosed and died. Just last month she asked me if I could take the day off and go with her to the service for James. I said, "Who is James?" She texted me back, "You remember him, he was that big Samoan guy in rehab with me at Pyramid Rehab (names made up). You liked him and thought he was sweet when he offered a cookie to Fiona (my granddaughter)." I pause a few minutes and remember that James had several small children of his own and a wife, he couldn't have been older than thirty years old. I had just seen him and his family at a family night meeting for alumni of this particular rehab a few weeks ago. I text my daughter and ask how he died. She replies, "He got weed laced with Fentanyl and he overdosed. Fentanyl is everywhere and that ___ will kill you I tell my friends."

Fentanyl is a super powerful opioid . I understand from all the articles I am reading lately about addiction, that it is responsible for nearly 30% of the overdose deaths in America right now. I know advocates for the legalization of marijuana argued that it would be safer that way. Drug dealers wouldn't soak the marijuana in embalming fluid or add stuff to it to give it a different kick. Like adding cocaine or heroin or now fentanyl to the weed the dealers are just creating a different high to sell to their customers and they don't care if it kills one and leaves his little children without their sweet father or for that matter if it killed my daughter and left me heartbroken. Marijuana is legal in our state and yet James is dead.

What I’ve learned by reading the books and articles on alcoholism and addiction is that I still have so much to learn. Every funeral service my daughter goes to for a friend that overdosed is a reminder that relapse happens and only the lucky will make it back to Rehab again and again. I have let myself be alarmed by every single misstep, letting my anxiety convince me that my daughter might be high again and coming down, even when my daughter might just be exhausted from holding down a job now and commuting to and from work.

My beautiful daughter is an adult and a mother of a toddler. Until recently though she has acted like a perpetual teenager with no curfew and no accountability. We have Guardianship of her child, because she left the baby to go party and didn’t come back for a year. She is an heroin addict. We were thankful during that year away when we got a wellness call from a Detox Facility that she had checked herself in. We were thankful when she told us she had been sleeping behind a dumpster, homeless for weeks using heroin but it got cold, so she got herself into another Rehab Program. We were thankful after another relapse and leaving the program with the latest Rehab Romance that they broke up and she was ready to come back and get in Rehab Program closer to our home so she could see her child on a regular basis.

So as the New Year dawns, we are thankful that this year and her current state of sobriety means to her and her family that there are 365 days of opportunity to be with her child and us. We are thankful there are 365 days and nights with the possibility of her choosing to fight for her life and well-being. My birthday & holiday wish for peace came true this year. Thanks to my daughter and thanks to good choices. It is a Happy New Year.