No, They Really Are Trying to Make You Crazy

…a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity. It may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. - Wikipedia

I have written extensively about bullying in the workplace, some of it from personal experience, and some of it through observation of others being bullied. I recently witnessed a friend going through a particularly egregious bullying experience at work, primarily done through the manipulation tactic of “gaslighting,” and I felt the need to address this particularly nasty form of abuse and manipulation.

“Gaslighting” is a pop culture term based on a 1944 thriller directed by George Cukor entitled Gaslight, in which the beautiful Ingrid Bergman is driven into insanity by her husband played by Charles Boyer who systematically inflicts tricks on her making her doubt her reality. The term “gaslight” comes from the evil, but charming husband, who arranges for her to hear sounds in the attic when he is not there, and to arrange for the gaslight to dim itself. Her psychological declines hastens when no one believes her claims.

First of all, … you are not going crazy. Gaslighting is very real. The perpetrators want you to think you are going crazy, that you are unbalanced, overly sensitive, out of touch with reality, and that there is something wrong with you, but you are not. You are the healthy one. Their “gaslighting” behaviors will leave you feeling confused, isolated, and anxious and can easily lead in depression and other psychological disorders.

Gaslighting in the Workplace

Gaslighting at work can range from well-planned out and manipulative aggressor-to-target behaviors, to mobbing instigated by one or two perpetrators, to HR officers, supervisors and managers expressing disbelief and disdain in response to claims of abusive behaviors.

Gaslighting occurs at the workplace in the form of bullies changing and cancelling things you have scheduled without telling you, misplacing files, and other documents that you are working on, not giving you phone messages, and claiming they did, forgetting to put you on emails claiming they told you verbally. It can also manifest with co-workers and supervisors micro-managing you and being particularly critical of what you do and keeping you under their constant eagle eye surveillance.

They are watching you and they love to let you know it. They give looks and speak to you in tones implying that you are doing things wrong when, in fact, you are not.

They try to make themselves look good, by making you look bad and pointing out your misdeeds whether the misdeeds are real or not.

They will instigate mobbing by getting your co-workers to gang up on you also. They will glare at you, exclude you, make fun of you, and take turns scrutinizing your work. They will spread rumors and lies about you, say or imply there is something wrong with you because you are this or that (e.g., a man or a woman, the color of your skin, your age, etc. – even those these things are highly illegal, they will happen). It is a concerted effort to hurt you and make you leave.

Gaslighting is a control mechanism to coerce you through manipulation leading you to be overly careful of what you are doing instead of recognizing what is being done to you.

In the end, they would like to push you out of the job entirely. They want to make you quit. They want to make you disappear. That is their goal.

So, Am I Being Gaslighted or Am I Really Just that Unstable?

The fact that you feel the need to ask this, indicates that you probably are a victim of gaslighting. One of the most pervasive clues that you are being gaslighted is the overwhelming urge to second guess yourself.

Here is a short list of something symptoms that indicate that you are being

gaslighted.

Second Guessing Yourself

It is a good practice to look at your decisions and analyze your choices, but when you are constantly second guessing yourself, and you stop trusting your own judgement, there is a good chance you are being gaslighted.

Am I Really Too Sensitive?

Bullies who gaslight love to turn the tables on you and accuse you of being too sensitive, and that everything you are saying is all in your imagination. They love to say, “I’m only joking,” when it is clear they are not.

You Cannot Think Straight

With all the second guessing and doubt, is that any wonder?

You Apologize and Make Excuses

Gaslighters love to keep you on the defensive and questioning your own self-worth. Ironically, they love to say you are not accountable and not responsible when you try to explain or work toward a better understanding. It is all your fault! Because something is wrong with YOU.

You Cannot Pull Yourself Out of Your Funk!

Of course, you are unhappy. You have always had confidence in yourself, your abilities, and who you are and suddenly that is all being questioned. Again, your reality is being challenged. Be careful and aware that being victimized in this manner can lead to clinical depression. Get help if you need it!

You Take the Blame for Their Misbehavior

Even when they are shouting that you do not take accountability for your own behavior and mistakes, you find you are constantly defending their inability to accept responsibility and be accountable. They make you think their misbehavior is ‘your’ fault.

You Feel Like the Weight of the World is On Your Shoulders

They want you to feel this way so they can control you.

Your Self-Esteem Took a Hike

It is easier to control someone with no self-esteem, than someone who calls their bluff. When you are only getting negative feedback, and you really wish to please someone, it is hard to maintain faith in yourself.

You Wonder Where the Confident, Relaxed and Happy Person You Used to be Went?

That person is still there. Trust me. It was that person that threatened the bully in the first place.

You Feel Embarrassed and Keep Things to Yourself

You are embarrassed by what you perceive as your own failing.

The Almost Psychopath

Dr. Ronald Schouten, lead author of Almost a Psychopath: Do I (or Does Someone I Know) Have a Problem with Manipulation and Lack of Empathy? (2012). Ron talked about the almost psychopath at work during a recent New Workplace Institute program. Here’s how NWI legal intern Kim Webster summarized his remarks:

“On average, one person in a hundred meets the clinical definition for psychopathy. However, [Schouten] suggested that maybe we should be more concerned

about the 10 to 15 percent of the population that almost meets the definition.”

Most personality disorders are defined by specific sets of standardized criteria. For psychopathy, a 20-item scale is commonly used, measuring traits such as glibness or superficial charm, a grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying, manipulative behavior, lack of remorse or guilt, a shallow affect, and a lack of empathy.

According to Dr. Schouten, the “almost psychopath” falls short of meeting the criteria for psychopathy but may still exhibits many of the most disturbing traits and behaviors. In the workplace, a good number of “almost psychopaths” engage in bullying. They often escape detection and removal as they charm their superiors and exploit and abuse their peers and subordinates.

I imagine that among any group of “almost psychopaths” you will find many gaslighters. The characteristics that define an “almost psychopath” – the superficial charm, pathological lying, and lack of empathy are what makes a gaslighter.

Gaslighting At Work and the Workplace Bullying

As Dr. Schouten notes, “most psychopaths” can function effectively and be astoundingly successful in everyday society. This means that many “almost psychopaths” have a ready-made playground in the workplace where they can easily engage in their bullying behaviors.

If you have ever experienced or witnessed gaslighting as a workplace bullying tactic,

you know what I mean. Whether we are talking petty mind games or severe, twisted harassment and stalking, challenges to such behaviors are met with denials that anything is going on. The goals are to undermine a target’s confidence, keep the target off-balance, and instill fear and paranoia.

How Does Gaslighting Happen?

If you think you are in such a scenario, you may be at a loss as to how you let yourself become a victim in such a way. For starters, because this type of manipulation is so subtle it is often impossible to realize it is even happening until you are already deep down the rabbit hole.

Often the problem is that the abuser has many positive qualities that seem to “outshine” their manipulative tendencies. In other cases, there is no obvious way for the victim to avoid being around the abuser. This is how abusers are so commonly able to “get their hooks in” to their victims.

Some Tactics a Bully Might Use to Gaslight

Withholding: Your co-worker or supervisor pretends not to understand you or flat out refuses to listen to you. He or she might say things like “I don’t want to hear this again.”

Countering: The perpetrator questions your memory, even if you are certain, you know what happened. They say, “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly,” or “You’re imagining things, that never happened.”

Blocking/Diverting: The bully changes the subject to silence you or questions how you are feeling, saying things like “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (friend/family member)?”

Trivializing: Your needs or feelings seem unimportant, constantly telling you that you are too sensitive, or that “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?”

Forgetting/Denying: They pretend to have forgotten what happened, or flat out denies promises he or she made to you. He/she will say things like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You’re just making things up.”

Can You Even Fight Back?

As with any subtle form of manipulation, the first step in freeing yourself from gaslighting is to recognize that it is happening and to determine who the abuser is. In most cases this will be obvious.

The next step, then, is to take a firm stand against the reality this abuser is attempting to impose on you – and that is the hard part. When you are in the habit of trusting someone else's version of events above your own, it can be hard to go back to accepting what you perceive as being the truth.

Adding to that, the nature of gaslighting means that any attempt to stand up to your abuser is likely to be written off as “your imagination.” Your complaints are likely to be blown off with convincing and logical sounding explanations.

And if the victim is aware of the gaslighting and abuse, the consequences of standing up to them might seem less unfavorable than just “dealing with it.” If you are suffering at the hands of a supervisor or co-worker, you may feel losing your income.

There is no easy solution. Breaking the pattern requires you to assert yourself as someone with a right to have an independent opinion and worldview – and if you have been accepting someone else's worldview for years, it is going to take guts to change that. You most likely will experience a lot of pushback if that is the case. In many cases, the easiest way to break free is to remove yourself from the situation altogether and get a fresh start where you can rebuild your sense of self without manipulative influences.

However, it is important to recognize that the manipulation is really happening no matter what the gaslighter says, and that there are people who can help you. Turn to trusted friends, independent support networks or therapists, or other people in your work organization. And remember, this is not you are going crazy. Unfortunately, in the end, you might have to quit your job and leave, if nothing but for the sake of your sanity and health.

Just remember, that people who play with gas and fire, often blow themselves up. You may not witness it, but it will eventually come back to them.

- Julie O'Hara 2023

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