My Two Faces

I awoke again this morning, my head was pounding over and over again. My thoughts are scrambled, my mind is in a fog. I grab my glasses off the nightstand that sets next to my bed and pull the chord on the lamp to turn it off. I bought the lamp at a flea market several years ago because it was simple it was relaxing, it didn’t stand out. I keep the lamp on all night and turn it off in the morning because it keeps them a little calmer when they are not in the dark.

Thinking a shower would feel nice right about now I head to the bathroom but all the sudden I feel a sharp pain in my stomach it starts to gurgle. Realizing then that I forgot to eat dinner last night my stomach is letting me know its hungry and I better eat if I don’t want to get sick. Well, guess the shower will have to wait.

“Is that ok”? I ask knowing I probably won’t get an answer right now because they are still mad about last night.

Walking into the kitchen I first noticed the mess on the counter, soda cans, candy wrappers, an opened pack of cigarettes, and a raw package of chicken that never got put in the fridge.

“Damn it you guys” I yelled! “For one thing you know I don’t smoke or drink soda” as I grabbed the cans off the counter tossing them in the trash. My stomach was now gurgling and starting to feel acidy from being empty for so long. I guarantee the cigarettes and soda did not help, that jerk knows how to piss me off.

“You guys could have at least put the chicken in fridge” as I forcefully grabbed the chicken off the counter and threw it into the trash. “You know that chicken is expensive, it’s not like either of you had to pay for it” “I am starting to think it just might be a good idea to do what DR. Everts said to do”

Opening the fridge, I wondered if I even had any milk for cereal, who knows if they drank it all or poured it down the drain. When the left side decides to act up and be a shit head, nothing is safe from his wrath.

"Oh, good there is milk" I get the milk and cereal then pour me a bowl so, I can get something in my stomach before I have to clean the kitchen. Then take a shower.

Of course, the whole time I cleaned the kitchen neither of them said a word, not even a good morning. I figured the right side would at least say good morning, or say I am sorry but I didn’t hear a word. After my shower and getting dressed I decided to venture out, go to store to get some groceries. It was almost ten o’clock so, if I hurried, I could catch the bus for a ride. I reached the bus stop just in time, the electric doors opened, and I jumped in putting my token in the box.

“Good morning Tess” Ted the bus driver said with a big smile “How is your day going so far”?

I sat down in the empty seat behind him to the right, “I am doing ok” I replied

“You don’t sound to excited about it” he laughed

“Well I woke up to a messy kitchen again, this time he bought a pack of cigarettes” As I pulled the pack out of my purse and held them up so Ted could see. “Its like he is just pushing me Ted, almost like he wants me to do it”

The bus comes to the next stop picking up more people, door opens and in walks three more people who head to the back of the bus, then all the sudden I hear,

“Hey, they you are, you never answered my calls last night”

I look up and see my best friend Maggie standing there.

“Move over let me set down” she says “where ya going”?

“I am going to the grocery store need to buy some food”

“They seem to waste it and leave it on the counter to go bad overnight” I told Maggie.

Ted closed the door and laughed “Tess, I don’t know what you’re going to do about them”

“You are going to have to make a decision pretty soon” Ted continued

As we headed towards the next bus stop where I would get off at, I told Maggie and Ted about the mess I had woke up to and that I had not heard from them yet. Maggie told me that it might be for the best if they didn’t say anything, maybe I would get a break for the day. Hopefully I wouldn't have to deal with the stress for twenty-four hours. I knew that could never happen because they can't go a whole day without fighting, without complaining about something. Though I was surprised not to have heard from her yet. She doesn’t really start any arguments, the right side is usually mellow and happy unless he makes her mad. The left side is always the one that has to say or do something that starts a fight.

Maggie and Ted agreed with me, they said that I needed to get back to the doctor and take the medication. Maybe it would calm them down, maybe just maybe, they would go away. I didn’t know how that made me feel because I wasn’t sure if I wanted them to go away completely. That would leave me all alone and I didn’t want to be all alone.

The two of them have been with me most of my life so, even with the arguments and outbursts I don’t know what I would do not having them around. Being completely alone scares me and makes me feel empty, lost like I have no purpose. This is something I definitely need to think about first before jumping into anything, also I don’t know what the side effect would be either so, will wait to see.

I got off at my stop and Maggie stayed on the bus, Ted told me he was clocking out in an hour and someone else would be driving the bus when I needed to get back on to go home. So, I was to get ahold of him tomorrow if I needed anything. We said our “goodbyes” and I headed toward the store. Piggly Wiggly grocery store was only a couple shopping centers over from the bus stop. On my way I grabbed a cart that was left by another shopper in the parking lot and headed on inside. I wasn’t sure what all I needed to get because I failed to write up a grocery list. Then suddenly I heard a voice:

“We need peanut butter” the voice softly whispered

“Well, hello” I replied,

“You finally decided to wake up”

“I had quiet the mess to clean up this morning” making sure I spoke in a firm tone of voice.

“I know and I am sorry, I tried getting control, I tried stopping him” she said still whispering.

“He was out of control last night, it really made him mad what you said” she continued on.

“I don’t care screw him,! he's an asshole” I told her not knowing if he was awake or not.

“That medication is sounding pretty good right now"

“Was going to go to the doctor today and get the prescription” I told her.

She started crying “you know that will make me go away also, you know that right”?

“Stop it, stop it I know that”

“I am trying to figure that part out” I replied

I had to try to calm her down so he didn’t hear her crying and get mad. Did not want to give him a reason to start an argument again. Every time he gets really mad, I black out and he takes over. Last night was the worst it’s ever been, I told them both I was thinking about taking the medication the doctor told me about. This really made him mad, so, mad that I blacked out and had no control over what he did, thank God he didn’t go rob a bank or something. He only smoked cigarettes and drank a lot of soda because he knows I don’t do either and to wake up to that on an empty stomach was gross. Then to trash the kitchen so I would have to clean it, well he knew that would make me mad and it was his payback to me.

“Don’t worry I will never let you go away” I explained

“You are my good side my better half of a whole”

“At least you make me smile”

She just laughed agreeing with what I said. Finished up my shopping with her help and headed home, put groceries away and made some lunch. While I was eating, I realized I had not heard from him yet my left side was quiet. I doubt he was still sleeping though if he was I sure didn’t want to wake him yet. The apartment was quiet the only thing you can hear was the traffic as it goes by, the loud sirens from the fire trucks, cop cars and ambulances. My windows are rarely open because of that but today I decided to open them and let in the cool breeze.

Evening came pretty fast as I sat there watching tv in silence, feeling so alone I wondered if this is what it would be like if I took the medication. Could I live in silence? would I feel happy or sad? I would have no one, at times when I needed someone. My anxiety kicked in now I was feeling scared and worried that someone was going to break into my apartment and kill me or rob me. I went to the window to close it, that is when I seen an owl setting on a branch in the tree out in the courtyard. The street lights just barely gave enough light to see him. His eyes where big and bright yellow, his feathers brown with white specks throughout each feather. He was a large owl you can tell he was old just from the way he sat there almost like he was too tired to fly off, he was comfortable the in that tree. I smiled and waved at him telling him “Goodnight” then closed my window, I heard him several times that night making his "hooting" noises before i feel asleep.

The next morning I looked out and he was gone, realizing at that moment I had gone to bed after seeing the owl forgetting about my anxiety. Went to bed never giving it a second thought, how strange wish that could happen every night. It was a nice day out around seventy degrees so I wanted to go for a walk down to the park. Decided to put on a pair of shorts and a tank top, took a thin sweater, tied it around my waist just incase it did get chilly. Grabbed my sunglasses, a few bucks in my pocket and running shoes, baseball cap and out the door I went. Was feeling pretty good this morning stopped off and got a bagel at the food cart and some water, sat down on a bench to eat it.

“Good morning, I guess” a voice grumbled

“Well, hello I wondered where you were”? I replied

“Figured you left or something” I added

“Me leave” he snarled back

“You’re the one that wants me to leave”

"I have nowhere to go”

“I know, I am sorry” I replied hoping he would hear the sincerity in my voice.

“I don’t want you to go, it’s not like that”

“Then what is it”? this time his voice sounding a little more angrier.

“Its your anger I can’t handle it, Your constant wanting to fight”

“She doesn’t want to argue with you and neither do I”

“The constant bickering has got to cease”! I firmly told him

The conversation went on for awhile even at times she would voice her opinion and how she felt with his outbursts. We told him how scary it was when he got mad and I blacked out, how wrong it was for him to take over. He is always in a bad mood never does anything good, there is no reason to be that way. She is always happy, my right side always tries to do good. We talked about the doctor and the medication, what it was intended to do.

When people look at me, they only see one face.

A face with a pretty smile, blue eyes, white teeth.

A mouth that speaks such kind words to strangers.

Waving to them as they pass by.

Though if they look closely, a second face they would see.

A face full of anger, distressed and unkind.

I set in silence, battling this constraint all alone.

My two faces are always in conflict with each other.

Always fighting against one another with no reason.

The right side is the good side, happy as can be.

The left side is the bad side, so, angry and mean.

So, now I set in silence, alone so no one sees.

The good side always knows right from wrong.

By doing what is right and doing what is true.

The bad side always does the opposite.

By doing what is wrong and never what is true.

They fight for dominance creating chaos within.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t see me.

I see a hallow shell of what I use to be.

So, I set in silence, alone, my secret.

One half of me, part of a whole,

It cares not of what it does to hurt me.

It smiles in my agony.

My brighter side, the better side.

One half of me, part of a whole.

Cares what is done to me,

Tries to brighten my day with a smile.

It must stop, it must cease,

This constant pulling back and forth of me.

I know now what I must do,

One of them must go. By taking one of their lives,

Or maybe take two.

So, I took a coin and tossed it in the air.

Heads take one, tails take two.

It shines bright as it falls, Thud!

It hits the ground; nervous I look at the coin.

As I look at it, I stop and think.

About what I am about to do.

I wonder how I will do it.

Will I drown them? Will I choke them?

Will I smother them? Will they even die?

I think about my silence,

How more alone I would be.

Scared, I can’t look back down.

I just turn, wanting to walk away.

Then I hear a voice say,

“Go ahead, look”

“Look to see”

“We want to know; is it heads or tails”?

I slowly bent down to look,

My eyes start to cry,

Not just one but both.

As I pick up the coin, I hear it again.

The voice saying,

“Its ok, there is no other way”

“It has to be done”

Holding the coin in my hand, I stood up.

Dried my tears, I knew they were right!

The decision was made. I looked at my hand and sighed,

Laughed in disbelief.

I couldn’t believe what it had landed on.

I then turned and threw it.

I threw the coin as far as I could.

Watched it disappear, far off in the distance.

I stood there for a minute thinking,

Thinking about silence, what does that mean?

Then I gathered my thoughts, myself,

My two faces, and decided to

Take the three of us home.