My Socially Acceptable Self Harm.

When I was 14, I cut myself for the first time. I felt the hurt of childhood trauma. I wanted control over my own pain and the feeling of the blade gave that to me.

At the age of 18 I got my first tattoo, I got 4 stars on my back, HUGE stars for someones first tattoo. I still remember the artist telling me to start with something small and work my way up. "No way!" go big or go home I thought to myself. The next week, I got 4 stars on each wrist. The pain reminded me of the blade. I became obsessed with new ideas, and all the money I made working would go into my tattoo fund.

From the age of 18-28 years old I didn't care what went on my body, I just wanted to feel that pain being inflicted into my skin without being asked "what is wrong why are you cutting yourself". I wanted society not to judge me for my pain I wanted to self harm in a manner that wouldn't be considered self harm. I'm not hurting myself I am getting tattooed.

In 2014, when I was in a program for PTSD the therapist finally figured out what I was doing. Each week after speaking of childhood memories, I would go get a new tattoo. Slowly my body became covered in these beautiful colourful pieces of art I drew and created to continue to self harm. To allow another person to inflict the feeling of control I wanted without causing the harm myself, without being left with scratches and scars, it was ART!.

I was given a challenge, no tattoos for 3 months. I looked at her puzzled. I looked at her like she took away the one thing that was holding me together. I looked at her like she was the crazy one. I accepted this challenge, I thought to myself 3 months that's simple. I was wrong. I was very wrong. I wanted so badly to get tattooed, it was an obsession in my mind like no other. I thought for sure it would be simple, no tattoos for 90 days. Everything I drew, and created I wanted to make that appointment. Each week as I did my group therapy, as well as individual it became harder. Listening to others speak of there own self harm in many different ways only seemed to fuel the wanting of tattoos fire inside of me.

I got through it, I went 6 months without tattoos. When I finally did get one it was something I had put forth so much creativity and thought. I look back now at the lesson it taught me, it wasn't about not getting tattoos, it wasn't about using them for self harm, it was about getting one with complete meaning. We all have tattoos we regret, some we got because it looked cool on the wall. Some were created by an artist to show an emotion in the moment. Some are memorials of a part of our lives that we want to remember, and some pure mistake. I have tattoos from my head to my toes, a mural of different styles, different artists, different song lyrics, wording that inspired me, flowers and birds.

Among all these, is the one that means the most, the one I got after being challenged, "Survivor" It is a ribbon that is not yet coloured, as I am a survivor of so many different things. Child hood abuse and trauma. Drug addictions. Mental health diagnosis. Sexual assault. Domestic violence. Self harm. Chronic pain. Self image issues. Deaths of others. Finding my friends dead from suicide. Homelessness, and others that carry weight in your life that you eventually heal from. Tattoos are a map of that journey. Each one after the age of 25 show a story. Not of self harm, but of a survivor.