MY PTSD DIAGNOSIS

My name is Courtney. I am 33 years old and have struggled to cope with my mental health since first diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 19. If i look back at those years since that diagnosis, I see a tangled mess of emotional roller coasters, confusion, tears, anger and a mountain of stress piled on top of Mum and Dad for having to 'deal' with my chaotic life and poor decisions I have continued to make up until this day. I have an endless list of counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors who I have worked with, the majority I have not liked or bonded with other than 2 out of almost 20 names on that list. Rarely anything that was taught to me made any such difference to my mental well-being, and if there was anything gained it was merely a band-aid solution, holding me together until an unexpected life hurdle is thrown my way, then all of the teachings are forgotten, I get trapped in my emotions and remembering the practices of mindfulness are no use to me when my state of mind is triggered into an unsafe state, and in the few times mindfulness has come to mind, I can't remember a thing about it no matter how hard i try.

It wasn't until recently I discovered why all of my past counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists had failed to 'fix' me. To settle my mind and make me feel what true happiness and freedom from years and years of mental illness endured, that could have been solved for me many years ago. The answer is trauma, and healing the actual core problem of your mental illness. I studied and have completed my diploma of Mental Health, and one of the core subjects was structured around trauma. In almost all cases of mental illnesses there will generally be an initial trauma, which has impacted our ability to cope with certain situations, how we deal with and react to stresses in our day to day life, and how we grow and adapt as Adults. But what is Trauma? It's a lot more broad than you realize, and there could be an event which your mind has recognized as traumatic, and you may not remember it at all. The thing about trauma is that is completely unique, in that two people can live through and experience the exact same event and one person can experience and view the event as traumatic, yet the other person can feel no emotional impact at all from the event.

Trauma can begin for a person as early as within the Mothers womb, when the Mother experiences an extreme amount of stress for example, loses a family member or experiences domestic violence this can cause stress to you as a baby, and because your brain is so delicate and yet to experience and understand these feelings it triggers a traumatic feeling which is stored deep into your memory. Trauma could be a tricky childbirth or a major surgery as a child, again while your brain is so tiny and unable to understand the doctors with the masks are trying to help you, it triggers your flight or fight sense, and unable either fight or escape in flight, your mind is stuck in a freeze state, almost photographing this into your mind as you may only be able to understand the event to be scary and confusing. Do remember that every trauma is different and not in every case, but trauma could be events such as car accidents, sexual assaults, physical assaults, bullying, losing loved ones, major illness, heartache - there is no limit to what your own mind can perceive as traumatic - and its all  normal and common to have these emotions. Maybe you're unaware that the symptoms you're feeling are related to trauma? Listed are the symptoms of Psychological and Emotional Trauma:

Intrusive thoughts about the event that occur out of the blue

Nightmares

Visual images of the event

Loss of memory and concentration ability 

Disorientation

Confusion 

Mood Swings

Avoiding activities or places that trigger memories of the event

Social isolation and withdrawal

Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Easily startled

Fatigue and exhaustion

Edginess

Insomnia

Sexual dysfunction

Changes in sleeping and eating patterns

Aches and pains throughout the body

Extreme alertness, always on the lookout for perceived danger

Overwhelming fear

Obsessive and compulsive behaviors

Detachment from other people and emotions

Emotional numbing

Depression

Guilt

Shame

Emotional shock

Disbelief

Irritability

Anger

Anxiety

Panic attacks

I had no idea that much of what I felt in a day to day struggle was a battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'd been told early in my twenties that I was thought to have Borderline Personality Disorder, and this is very similar but not quite the same as PTSD, as I have abandonment traumas attached to my diagnosis, and I am still working with a completely new psychologist that I have had the luck to find. The first time we spoke she explained that her way of treatment is dealing with the underlying trauma, otherwise any kind of treatment is nothing more than a band-aid fix for a problem that will only otherwise be forever unresolved, and that;s when I knew we were going to work together well, I have finally found someone who would get the the bottom of my unhappy mind, struggles for too many days than I should ever have to, and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I am now working within the mental health field, and I am beginning to notice the increase of diagnosis in women who are suffering from PTSD. We need to speak up and raise more awareness on this mental illness so many others do not have to suffer alone confused with their mental health symptoms as I did for over ten years. Speak up and share your stories, it's time society becomes better informed on the impact and complexities of trauma and enforcing that all mental health services use trauma informed care as the foundation for pathways to healing.