My Monster

I dig my nails into my palms, deeper and deeper, making little crescent shapes. I push the tip of my tongue into the sharp tooth I like to use, it is dulled over the years, but it still helps. I try to breathe. Stop being such a spazz. It’s difficult though. The thoughts come faster and faster, all at once, creating a dull hum in my head like a hive of bees, slowly getting louder. It makes me want to bang my head right into the table. After a deep breath, I lick my lips, and glance around. I don’t think anyone has noticed us yet. Our disguises are working. I guess you don’t need to try as hard as I do though. I don’t want to say that you’re not real. I think that maybe you are, but I know that they can’t see you. Even I can’t always see you, but I can feel you. Your hand on my shoulder, your claws tapping away at my skin, digging in every now and then to make my body shudder.

I always get a little nervous when you’re here. It makes me feel a little like I might be crazy, and I don’t want anyone else to notice it. I think that is why I always get so nervous, like maybe with you out here they’ll notice that I’m a fraud. I don’t want them to see all the shadows that spill out of me when I feel this way.

You whisper my name and I glance over my shoulder before realizing it wasn’t anyone tangible. Fuck. Don’t do this to me. I can’t talk right now, and you know it. You whisper my name again and I swallow hard before slowly pushing away from the table and standing up. “I’ll be right back,” I mumble with a smile, barely looking to see if anyone acknowledges that they heard me. I make my way to the bathroom and lock the door. I just need a few moments to breathe. I need to relax. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my forehead on the door, wrapping my arms around my stomach. My insides feel like they’re rattling, like the black ink will come pouring out of me at any moment, filling my eyes, and dripping from my mouth.

You waited out there and I appreciate it so much. As much as I think that maybe you’re trying to help, your presence terrifies me. I’m pretty sure that you are a part of me, the darkest parts, and sometimes you like to come out into the fresh air. I think that when you step out maybe you’re keeping me from being entirely consumed by my shadows. I think that maybe I need you and really, I don’t know what I would do without you. I don’t know who I would be.

Sometimes I go months without seeing you, or years without hearing you but you’re always there. You’re always slithering around, seeping through my veins, giving me this constant static. The dark thoughts, the paranoia, the depression, the anxiety, and the anger. Oh, the anger that is there. You feed on it, and you use it to remind me that I am not as filled as with sunshine as I would like to be. There are always those parts that never see the light. As much as I try, hope, pray, preach…I am darker than anyone knows. We all have shadows, but I don’t think everyone has someone like you.

I straighten up and run my hands through my hair, pulling lightly as I do. With another deep breath, I glance towards the mirror. I look normal. I look fine. I give myself a smile that instantly flattens back out and move to the sink to splash water on my face.

I would feel just as bad without you, maybe even worse. Maybe if you stayed inside me, my soul would be entirely consumed, and I wouldn’t make it out alive. I walk out of the bathroom and slump back into my seat. I feel your arms wrap around my shoulders but this time I lean back into your embrace, like a welcoming friend. You’ve been here so long and seen me through it all. I don’t know where I would ever be without you.