My Mind and His Mental Health Issues
What keeps going when I stop?
Days go by, boring, monotonous, chill and uneventful. These days go by and I take them for granted. I tend to forget for a few blissful moments that I am free from what really lurks in my mind. I don't focus on the fact that there are tons of ways that I could screw up my life at any moment with just a few words.
I don't focus on the fact that I have a long list of regrets that follows me around all day. Regrets that are small, would make no difference in my life if I did have the chance to go back. Regrets that are life changing, that would put me on an infinite amount of paths with multiple outcomes. Regrets that would have made me happy instead of just bending over for others. Regrets that would have hurt others and helped some. Regrets that I don't even remember, just have the hollow feeling of failure in the pit of my stomach. Regrets about regrets; an endless cycle.
Which then my mind tends to jump to every single time I let myself or others down. When I made promises but didn't follow through. Promises that were never ever meant to be broken but I just let them fall apart. Choosing the option that I thought was right yet ultimately being the short coming that screwed everyone over. Jumping so far back that I am absolutely positive no one even remembers. Jumping to pinky promises that you make between school yard friends.
My mind has a way of tearing itself down without being conscious of the ramifications. My mind tells my body to stop whining and being weak even though it has been a full week without a good night's rest. My mind tricks itself into believing that these sleep deprived delusions are real and not hallucinations. That there really are people standing in my room judging every single move I make. That my family believes I am a complete failure and that I deserve the worst possible outcome every time over and over again. That I do not deserve the right to be happy and that I should continue on suffering. That I must suffer in silence because it was me all along.
My mind has a sickness, this hobby of wearing itself down even when all I do is lay on the floor and breathe. I try to make it stop, make it realize that all of this is just a trap I set up for myself. I try to remind it that we are in control, but my mind is a huge manipulative smooth talker. Can bend every word in a way that makes me forget who is really in control. Make myself believe that no matter what I try, there is no end to this feeling.
This sends me to the second to last step through this tumultrous cycle. My body is heavy, my skin feels so brittle and my heart feels so hollow. I am so cold even under all my covers. I am in bed but feel like i'm at the bottom of a cliff. No light, no freah air. My eyes glazed over from never ending tears. It's just my feelings and myself, myself and my mind. My mind frantically trying to add more guilt unto me. My incessant contemplative self.
And then I am right where I started. Laying in my bed all alone. Begging for the boring, monotonous and chill days where I can just live and take them for granted again. Pretend that everything is going to be okay, and I actually believe it, at least for a little bit. And then I start to count the days until my next mental unraveling.