My First Ayahuasca Experience Did Not Work

I first heard Mother Ayahuasca's personal call three years ago. I was solo traveling in Costa Rica and a guy I met during a volcano hike told me his experience with this powerful spirit plant in detail. At that moment he was doing his 'dieta' and said he was preparing for another ceremony. I was completely intrigued by all that he shared with me during our hike. It was then that I knew I had to drink the magic potion soon in my life.

The very first time I ever heard about ayahuasca was 10 years ago from a friend I met in Australia. She said it had completely healed her broken heart as she literally vomited (purged) her ex-boyfriend out of her body. I was astounded. How is that even possible?

Even though I loved listening to her stories, it never appealed to me then. I was not on a healing journey at that time and didn't think I had to change anything about myself. I thought my life was pretty perfect and I had no desire whatsoever to work on myself. Talking about ego…

But the stories this guy in Costa Rica was telling me sparked my curiosity completely. A plant that could heal depression and addictions in one night? A DMT brew that shows you visions and futures and other Universes? A tea that makes you access all your traumas and shadows in one session? Give me some of that, please!

Some say that doing one ayahuasca retreat can save you years of therapy, since all you need to know about yourself will get revealed to you in a very short time. You will then supposedly also be shown what you need to do to heal your childhood traumas. Years of therapy doesn't sound so fun to me, but all that healing in just one plant medicine retreat? Sign me up.

Listening to the call

Ayahuasca called me a few times more in the months afterward to come and at some point, I couldn't resist it anymore. When I moved to Mexico in 2019, I got catapulted into a spiritual awakening. And yes, there was Madre Ayahuasca, again and again, whispering in my ear - come and I will show you the way…

I tried to attend a ceremony a couple of times, but for some reason it never worked out. I always wanted to do my first retreat in the lands where ayahuasca natively grows - the Amazonian jungle. I am not a big fan of this sacred medicine being shipped all around the world and being exploited, so I didn't want to contribute to that. The pandemic and travel restrictions made it impossible for me to leave Mexico, so I put my desire to take ayahuasca on hold and took Peyote instead.

But the call persisted. More and more people around me were talking about the life-changing effects of the medicine and how it had completely healed them. Mother Aya kept appearing in my meditations and dreams as well and I knew I had to listen to the call soon.

So when I found out there was an ayahuasca ceremony planned close to where I live in Baja California Sur, I finally signed up.

Preparing for my first ayahuasca experience

I researched and read a lot about how to prepare for ayahuasca in the weeks leading up to my ceremony. I figured out you need to follow a rather strict diet at least a week (but preferably more) before you are going to drink the sacred tea.

So I completely cut meat, sugar, salt, citrus fruits, onion, garlic, coffee, chocolate, alcohol, dairy, bread, and any processed food out of my diet. Which was pretty damn hard, since I love all these foods and eating out in Mexico is super easy and delicious - but no way possible on this rigid diet. So I canceled all my dinner plans and sat at home for over a week eating bland cooked potatoes and raw salad without dressing.

This is where my lesson with ayahuasca already started.

They say that ayahuasca is an intelligent plant - she knows exactly what is going on. I didn't even have to drink her to realize I was way too rigid with myself. I got frustrated that I couldn't enjoy food and had to refuse get-togethers with my friends. And why did the people that I knew who had done ayahuasca already not adhere to the diet? They had never canceled their plans.

I started to get annoyed about others not taking things seriously. Not even the shaman followed the diet, as their advice was only no meat and no alcohol for just three days before ayahuasca. I had clearly read on several websites that the diet should be much stricter and longer. I told myself that I respected the medicine more by following a stricter diet, so I pushed on.

By day 8 my body was craving sugar. And now I know why. On the morning of the first day of my ceremony, I fainted in the bathroom. I got incredibly dizzy, my vision was blurry and I had no energy whatsoever. I Googled and called a doctor friend and it was pretty clear: I most likely had a way too low blood sugar level. Which explains why I like sugar so much; my body simply needs it.

The doctor's advice: eat sugary foods and carbs and get your strength back. But I was not supposed to do any of this, especially not on the day I was finally going to drink ayahuasca! But my health comes first, so I canceled my first night and said I would just attend the second session.

The sacred ceremony

The next day I felt much better after eating more normally, so I eagerly made my way to Todos Santos, where the ceremony was going to be. I had a clear intention: let go. I wanted to be able to let go of always being so serious. I wanted to let go of my trapped emotions and cry and laugh like no one was watching.

I said this to the shamans during my introduction and got told that I shouldn't have any expectations. But of course I had expectations! I felt good about myself that I had prepared so well and that I was showing respect to the medicine. I was sure she was going to show me the way as she had told me in my visions.

The night started not at all as planned. It was raining (which almost never happens in the desert during this time of the year) and since we were all seated outside, it wasn't clear if the ceremony could continue there. After three hours of debating whether the rain was going to be a real issue, they finally decided that it would be up to personal preference of each individual to stay outside or relocate inside a much smaller yoga-type palapa.

I was already pretty annoyed by the many mosquitos and ants crawling all over me and by looking at the clouds, I did not want to risk getting soaking wet in the midst of my trip. So I decided to move all my stuff inside.

But then the rain stopped and the ceremony finally commenced - outside. So I moved one of my yoga mats back outside to temporarily sit on while waiting for the ayahuasca to take effect. We all got served one shot of the magic potion, which tasted like anise with an earthly flavour (not bad at all actually).

There were about 40 people in the ceremony, of which about 20 were first-timers. I waited patiently, ready to move back to my mattress inside as soon as I would feel the effect. After about half an hour, people started to groan and purge and one by one enter into their trip.

Ayahuasca is not working for me

Not me though - I was sober as fuck. My thoughts were going crazy.

Why don't I feel anything? Was it because of the sugar I ate the day before? Didn't they give me enough of the brew? Can I ask for more? Should I close my eyes? This yoga mat is so uncomfortable. Should I go inside to my mattress? Should I feel nauseous? Why is there no music? Why does it start raining again? Damn it, these mosquitos are so annoying. Is that an ant on my body?

The longer I waited, the more frustrated I became. I had done everything I could to prepare for this, why am I not feeling a single sensation? People around me started to get higher and higher and I heard people laughing and crying and moaning and purging out demons. I want that too!

I didn't want to go back inside, even though I was very uncomfortable on my mat, scared to miss anything. After about three hours they finally offered a second cup, so I jumped up and got in line. This should do it!

I walked back to my yoga mat (still intending to sit on it temporarily) and waited for the effect. I watched a girl getting up to the fire and talking to it with her hands. The fire responded by getting bigger and making a wooshing sound. I realised that ayahuasca was definitely amongst us.

So I closed my eyes and very vaguely saw some similar visuals that I experienced during my DMT session. I guess it was finally going to work! I took a deep breath and got ready for the lessons.

But then the shaman tapped on my shoulder. It was time for my 'first-timer cleansing ritual'.

But I don't want to open my eyes! Can I just ignore him? Can I pretend to be asleep?

Nah-ah, you have to attend the ritual if this is your first ayahuasca experience.

I sat next to seven other newbies and the cleansing began. The shaman started singing and blowing air and smoke in my face. Behind me was a group of women dancing and singing some sort of mantra. Some of the people next to me started crying or making orgasmic sounds.

But I was completely sober again the moment I had gotten up from my mat. After 20 minutes of cleansing, I knew I had lost the effect completely. I was guided back to my mat, more frustrated than ever.

Fuck this stupid ceremony. Fuck all these people with their epiphanies. Fuck ayahuasca. Fuck my brain that doesn't stop thinking. Fuck myself and my stupid quest trying to understand life.

I grabbed my stuff and moved to my mattress inside the palapa.

Nothing but frustration

Finally alone, I gave myself time to meditate.

Why can't I let go? Maybe I learned enough lessons already and don't need ayahuasca? Could it be a good sign? Why for god's sake can't I stop thinking??

I decided to tend to my Higher Self, as I knew she was always guiding me in times of distress.

Finally, I was able to calm down a bit. It started to get light outside, so I tried to cover my eyes to block out the sun. Could there still be a chance to feel it?

But then it started pouring rain outside. The whole group of 40 people rushed inside the palapa and started talking and wiggling and moving stuff around.

I wanted to scream. PLEASE, JUST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I don't think I have ever felt so frustrated in my entire life. People were bumping into my mattress, laughing and singing, some almost stepping onto me. I heard bottles falling over, instruments moving; everybody was trying to get a dry space inside.

By now it was completely light outside. I peeked through my eyes, only to see everybody sitting up wide awake and happy. And I felt miserable. I got extremely jealous of all these people having amazing experiences. And I had nothing.

Literally nothing but frustration and extreme annoyance.

Letting go

I covered my eyes again, trying to hide away as much as I could under my blanket. I just wished I could teleport back to my house and forget about all of this.

But then people started to play music. It was the most beautiful, pure, loving sound I ever heard. Everybody was singing, and the sacred vibrations entered my Soul completely.

I felt guilty. Why did I think so bad about these people before? Why was I jealous? Everybody here is just spreading love. And then I started crying.

Which to be honest made me even more angry with myself.

I was waiting the whole night to be able to let go of my emotions, and my body decided to do it in broad daylight with all these people singing and dancing around me? I wanted to hide as much as I could underneath my blanket, hoping nobody would see or hear me sobbing.

But then I realised: this is what I had been asking for.

I wanted to let go like nobody was watching. This ayahuasca plant is trying to be ironic or what? So I uncovered my face, sat up straight and looked around me without trying to hide my swollen, teary eyes. And nobody seemed to be bothered by it.

I guess ayahuasca did work, just not in the way I expected it. I listened to the wonderful music and could feel the love all around me. What a powerful medicine this is! I paid close attention to all the stories that people started to tell about their experiences and I knew: this is why I heard the call.

The integration

I realised I had been angry with myself for a long time. Angry for not being able to let go. My whole life I have been struggling with letting go; of course ayahuasca was going to tap into that by making me experience these extreme frustrations. And when I finally let go, I thought it couldn't be at any worse moment.

But the truth is, nothing ever comes at the right moment.

That is the beauty of letting go. It comes and it goes unexpectedly. If you fight it, your body will store it and you become angry and frustrated. Which is what I had been doing almost all of my life.

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After I came home I turned on the shower. As soon as the water hit my skin, I felt an incredible cleanse. It was like the water was cleaning me from all the anger and frustration of the diet, the experience itself and of my own thoughts.

I felt free and grateful. Grateful for ayahuasca not showing me anything but teaching me everything. Grateful for the amazing house I live in. Grateful for the warm water hitting my body. Grateful for finally being alone, in the space that I love so much.

I turned on my music and started dancing with my Soul. I danced with my eyes closed like noboby was watching, because nobody was watching. I don't need to show people that I can let go. Because I know that I can.

I just need a little more privacy.

Final thoughts

Ayahuasca is a powerful medicine that shouldn't be taken lightly. It can definitely change lives, but also make things worse. I think it is vital to do it with an experienced shaman and in a setting that speaks to you.

My ceremony setting was completely off for me. There were too many external distractions, too many people and the weather was not helpful either. I had too many expectations and was too rigid with myself leading up to the experience.

I entered the space already being annoyed that it was outside, that I had to bring my own mattress and that we were asked to purge in holes in the ground where you had to walk to. I expected to have personal buckets and didn't want to think about walking to some hole in the ground.

In addition, I was already angry with myself that I missed the first night and that I had put so much effort in it and had cancelled so many plans.

Now I know that I should have listened to my intuition. I initially didn't want to do it in a country where ayahuasca doesn't grow. I wanted a complete retreat, not just one night sitting on a dirty floor covered in ants where I could still hear cars passing by.

I thought I heard the call (and I did), but I should have listened to my body fainting the day of the ceremony and trying to speak to me. I guess even then I couldn't let go. I had prepared so much for this ceremony, I was going to do it whatever it takes.

In the end I am happy with what I (didn't) experience. Ayahuasca felt that it wasn't the right setting for me and so taught me my lessons in a different way. I do realise that this sacred medicine is very capable of giving you exactly what you need.

And sometimes that is frustration and anger.