My Depression Nancy

Everyday I wake up and tell myself I will take care and do right for myself and by my family.

Then I come back to reality and in about ten minutes; I’m on the couch wrapped up like a burrito and telling my kid to grab a Capri-Sun and pop tart for breakfast because I’m just so unbelievably unmotivated I can’t make myself move. As a mother you’d think I would live for my child and use her as the ultimate motivation, but sometimes the post partum depression just doesn’t go away. Or in my case it was like welcoming back the worst best friend I’ve ever had. Let me introduce you to Nancy: my Depression. Nancy comes and goes as she pleases but for a small period of time I really thought I had moved on and away from her.

Well Nancy and I go way back. We’ve had our bad days and well our really bad days; I will say however I don’t think I’d be here today if she wasn’t around. Doesn’t sound right? Well you’re telling me. I’ve been so consumed by Nancy that she’s convinced me to end my life and then guilted me out of ending it. So thanks Nancy for both ruining and saving my life.

Now Nancy has a partner In crime: Patti, shes my Anxiety. They work really well together but honestly I really wish they had never teamed up cause boy oh boy are my days up and down. I’m pretty sure they are treating my brain crevices with all those twists and turns like an endless ride on a rollercoaster at some theme park. Anyways they are really making my life difficult as a mother, housewife, a human being really. To the point I barely exist outside of my home, but sometimes I can force myself away from them and escape that reality.

I have always done this thing where on my good days, I come up with all these goals and plans, and sometimes actually get some things done; like clean up, cook three meals that day, leave the house and at some point on some days to become a productive member if society. It’s nice to have a break from Nancy and Patti’s harrassement once in awhile; but also just getting things done is nice too and let’s a shy friend of mine visit Satisfaction, let’s call this one Dex. He only shows up when well I actually accomplish something and these days it’s pretty rare that he comes out, at no fault of his own. Nancy and Patti are always taking up all the space. Let’s say this is a tv show time slot, it’s “The Nancy and Patti Show” with no commercial breaks about twenty hours of the day, and the other four hours are the rest of my emotional episododes and sleep.

Nancy and Patti have invaded my one bedroom apartment of a mind. They moved in around the same time and instantly got along, pushing everyone around and taking control. Now I can’t do anything without their permission. Waking up and taking on any type of responsibility is definitely out of the question; I can even get myself going for a few minutes and then it all goes down the drain once I get out of bed. I move straight to the couch and completely forget about all the motivation I had collected for the day. I guess I would say I just get so overwhelmed by all the things I want to get accomplished while I am feeling decent and so then it just doesn’t happen and I start to spiral. Has anyone else felt like this? No just me, seems about right. Oh well all I can say is if there is anyone out there struggling just as hard as I am I hope you know you aren’t alone and man if we could get through it together it would be amazing! I just know it.