My Brain Is a Mess

When I was 14 years old my world almost ended. I was in a horrific accident where I was close to losing my life. But I didn't, and I spent the next five years trying to figure out why. I was considered lucky, all things aside. On the outside you cannot tell really that I have gone through anything terrible. On the inside I am a mess.

I am now 24 years old, but mentally I feel about 100. I have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed too many times to even keep track. It was something that I used to be ashamed about, because back when I was younger, it did not seem to be something that anyone talked about. But now it is just a part of who I am.

I deal with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, as well as PTSD. None of that is easy to deal with. It all happened after I was hit by a car and put in a coma for eight days. Recovery was tough, and long to go through, and I am still not fully there. I deal with issues everyday that make me feel like I am at square one, and other times I feel like I am normal. Anxiety and depression I feel like people talk about a lot. As those are the more common mental health issues that people know about. For everyone it is tough, different things trigger it for other people. What I wanted to bring more attention to is the PTSD aspect of this all.

Worst part was finding about that I had this in May. May, since the accident has been the worst month for me, especially the first three weeks. Namely cause that is when my accident was. I am always on edge and very anxious, and things can go bad for me at any moment. Finding out that there is an actual reason why I feel this way was a relief in itself, because now with the help of therapy, I can manage it better.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event—either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. PTSD is popularized among war veterans, because they go through traumatic experiences. However, it does not just fit in with them. Normal people who go through hard times can have it as well. And the worst part is that it can stop you dead in your tracks. It also does not happen right away, which makes it so much more difficult.

After the accident I could not watch any car accident, now it has gotten better to the point where I only cannot watch anyone getting hit by a car. It brings too many flashbacks. Also, for the longest time when I heard a siren, whether police, fire truck, or ambulance, I would stop dead in my tracks, and not be able to move really until it went by. This part I can deal with, now I just have issues when I see an ambulance going by. I cannot say why, but there is just something in my brain that just goes off, and whatever I am doing just stops. I thought it was just normal and common for those with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks; turns out it is not.

Living a normal life with PTSD is hard. It is difficult to tell new friends, new romantic partners that I suffer from this, because it is a tough thing to try to explain. It is not something I can control, or help, or really medicate even, so to others it may seem that I am not trying to get better when I am.

For others out there living with this, you are not alone and you are strong. I know the mental space we are all in and it is tough. To have trouble facing normal tasks, because it may trigger us back to a place where we do not want to be. Remember: You are strong and if I can make it this far so can you.