My Addiction Recovery

Addiction is real and it hijacks your brain to the point of no return, and for a lot of people, that is the truth. Some, on the other hand, return to their old self. For those who have returned to their original selves, congratulations! I applaud you for what you have been through. For you see, I was there as well. I have been through the struggle of addiction, depression, and helplessness. Like a lot of people, addiction runs in my family. Not just on one side, but on both my mother and father’s side. My chances of addiction were high the day I was born. Seeing my dad lose control from his alcohol use while I was in high school motivated me to stay sober and never touch alcohol. In fact, I didn’t have my first drink until I had graduated high school. I wasn’t addicted right away after my first drink, it took a few years. I guess you could say I was your typical “college” guy: drinking at parties, going to bars, and having random Tuesday nights drinking with roommates and playing Tiger Woods Golf on the Xbox. It wasn’t until I began developing symptoms of the disease that I fell at a fast rate. Like filling up a cup with water, everything was fine until the glass couldn’t hold the water anymore and overflowed. I began to develop symptoms of depression and anxiety. I began to notice that I was outgoing, funny, confident, and interesting when I was under the influence.

Four years after my first drink, I received my first operating while intoxicated charge. Not to mention, my several underage possession charges and open container in between those times. Then something happened, something that I understand now but didn’t see back then. I began to notice that if I didn’t have alcohol in my system, I had a tough time communicating with others and I wasn’t as outgoing as people began to know me for. On top of that, it’s easy to justify this when you have business owners approaching you at bars asking you if you’d like to work for them because they have been watching how well you communicate with others. Reality: I did accept one of those jobs and the owner quickly came to realize that I was a different person sober. So, what did I do? I began drinking at work so that I wouldn’t lose my job. Now you can see the water overflowing the glass. Between the ages of 22-26, I was ill and I knew it. I had come to the realization that it’s okay if I’m an alcoholic for the rest of my life, as long as I have a good paying job and a family...right? As long as I’m paying the bills and supporting my family...right? Well, as a young twenty-year-old, it’s easy to accept this when all of your friends drink and their parents drink as well.

It wasn’t until my dad had passed away and a serious relationship that I was in had ended as a result of my alcohol use that I became dependent on the substance. In the same here, those two things happened, and I was self medicating as a result. Severe depression, anxiety, and self-pity controlled my way of thinking. So severe it became, that I couldn’t deal with the negative thoughts anymore. For 3 years straight, here is how my day looked: wake up, throw up because I’m hungover, go to the kitchen and make a tall glass of vodka and Powerade, drink several of those throughout the day while playing video games, become extremely intoxicated, drive to the bar to meet new people, drive home, and go to bed. I became so dependent on alcohol that I wouldn’t answer anybody’s phone call or call them back until I felt confident enough to do so - which wasn’t until I was under the influence. Every morning, I would wake up and not know where I was. Wake up and not remember what I did. Wake up and regret what I had used my phone for the previous night. Nights of crying and believing nobody cared about me grew so deep that I had attempted suicide two different times. The disease had killed me - literally.

When I woke up that morning after swallowing a variety of pills and not expecting to wake up, I had gone to the bathroom to throw up some type of foam. My mom had called me - I was going to have lunch with her later today. Better start drinking so that I am able to socialize with her. After drinking a few glasses of vodka, I was ready to head out. My car wasn’t in the drive way and my sister had come and picked me up. We went to her place where I had found my car on the side of the road, damaged, and with three blown tires. We weren’t going to lunch, I was about to be saved - 10/10/10. After my mom and sister had talked to me, I had admitted myself into outpatient services. The struggle was challenging. I had to feel my emotions and deal with painful memories that I haven’t faced yet. After completing treatment, I was on my way. At this time, I had no money, no vehicle, behind on my credit card payments but six months (at least), no goals, and no self-esteem.

Why is it that when we share our stories, we go more in-depth about the struggle we went through rather than the outcome we worked so hard for? The word struggle is to say the least. In the past 10 years of sobriety, I have accomplished more in my life than I thought I ever would. Graduated from college with a bachelors degree, met my wife, have two boys, got hired and certified as a drug and alcohol counselor. Got accepted into grad school for addiction counseling - and that’s just a few examples of how much my life has changed. I ended up graduating from the University of South Dakota with a Master’s Degree in Addiction Counseling with co-occurring disorder specialization. Now, I have the opportunity to help others and I am grateful to be in that position. I was supposed to be dead 10 years ago, but now I know what I would have missed if that was true. Everyday I am grateful for everything and everyday I have to manage my recovery. So if you know somebody who is currently suffering with a substance use disorder, reach out to help them. You many never know, you might be the one they have been waiting for to create lasting change. Spread the awareness that addiction is not a choice but a disease that overtakes the mind and spirit. “Why don’t you just quit?” Should be changed to “you’re not alone, lets create a plan”.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. ‘