Mr. Poser

One would think that with all that is going on in the world I would exhort my energies on things that are important, and not get so bent over things that others do, that to most people, are just a minor inconvenience, but…Here I sit, frustrated and butt hurt, spewing off at the mouth, to no one but myself. I curse the idiot who is holding up traffic for those of us who need to make a right turn.

"Why do you people do this?" "If you're not making a right-hand turn, why are you in this lane?" "Hello...You're holding us up!" I carry on as if the driver can hear me, “I mean, come on people!” “There are other people on the road other than yourselves!” "You're freaking rude and inconsiderate!!"

I suppose your all kicked back in your seat, which you have reclined at such an angle to allow you to reach out with one arm, lock your elbow, and steer your vehicle. No one would know who is driving since all we can see is the top of your cap and your eyebrows! My thoughts, as the scenario becomes a visual in my mind!

Oh! And that honking, that you can’t hear because your “beats” are so loud that my car is vibrating six cars behind you! That’s me! I am in a hurry and about to run out of gas! But what do you care! You most likely have a full tank! "Dumb Ass!"

All the while the driver is mindless to any of this, without a care in the world he idles, while my stress level increases, and I rant on “If I run out of gas...ooooh!" "idiot!”

I put the breaks on my rant long enough to call my husband and inform him of the situation he and Mr. Poser has so thoughtfully put me in! "You ran all my gas out!" I inform him, "Just answer the phone, I might need help if I run out of gas!" "Oh and Thanks!" "Thanks a lot!". "What, is wrong with you?" I hear him say as I end the call.

I feel like Meryl Streep in Postcards from the Edge when she indignantly states "Ass hole" getting the last word in as she pulls away! I would love to pull alongside Mr. Poser and call him out, just like Meryl! But this is not to be!

Since I am sure it’s a male driver in that car, I firmly state, “f-n men!” While I observe that all the cars in front of me have their blinkers on for a right-hand turn, except one. Yep! The only blinker not flashing is at the front of the line. Finally, the light turns green and Mr. Poser crosses the intersection and goes on his merry way!

That’s exactly when the lights flash and the gates lower, blocking traffic that has been waiting to make a right, I hear the train whistle! "OMG!" "NO!" "Damn it!" "Are you kidding me?” "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Thanks a lot, jerk!"

I can imagine what the other drivers are thinking of me as they witness a crazy lady beat on her steering wheel until her head comes to rest in her hands in defeat.

I find myself gazing at my gas gauge, which rests on the redline. In addition, I can’t avoid the warning the blazing little gas pump icon delivers, which adds to my anxiety!

Now I am beyond peeved and extremely agitated, I just know I am about to run out of gas. Hoping to see the end of the train, I look in that direction, "Oh noooo, that would be too good, right?" The train seems to go on and on! And there is no end in sight!

Making matters worse, I cannot keep the vision of Mr. Poser making his way without a clue as to the inconvenience he has caused the drivers behind him! “Stupid S.O.B,” I say as I reach for a cigarette, that I know I should not be lighting.

I light it anyway...

After all, I haven’t smoked all day, and my husband leaves his smokes in my car and I have had to deal with the idiot at the light, right!

It’s all their fault...

Oh, please I plead to the universe, please don’t let me run out of gas! Just as I am about to put that cigarette out the caboose signals the end of the train! Finally! Much to my relief, I am moving again, I can see the convenience store and gas pumps... yes! Please, please, I plead, let me make it to the station!

A feeling of relief begins to engulf me as I make my turn into the entrance of the gas pumps. “WTF!” I spew in utter disbelief "no f-n way!" Sput, sputter, spit! My foot goes to the floorboard and my truck stops, right where it’s at, blocking traffic.

I am beside myself, I have lost control, as I let out an animalistic howl "Hell no! "No, No, No, Noooo!" I envision myself punching Mr. Poser in the neck!" Calming myself I gain a small amount of control and assess my situation.

I am so embarrassed!

Grabbing my gloves, I get out of the cab of my truck and head back to the bed, where I know, is a gas can, right? Wrong! Someone has taken the can from the bed of my truck. “F-N men!”

I will not cry! I will not cry! I tell myself! I really, really, want to choke Mr. Poser! I couldn’t even if I had the chance. It’s so cold my hands are frozen! I reach into the cab of my truck and hit the switch for my hazard lights, check my pocket for my twenty dollars, and start walking, I have no gas can, it’s cold, my truck is sitting halfway in heavy traffic, the other drivers are irritated, and Mr. Poser is probably idling at a free right, waiting to go forward! Great! Just great!

I see the lights just as I hear the short and sharp quip of the patrol car siren. You’re kidding me, right? I should have known it, I'm thinking as the women officer slowly pulls up alongside me “Hello mam” she says, “What’s going on?” I explain that I just ran out of gas, and I am headed to the convenience store to get a gas can and gas.

“Ok, she says, you need to get that truck moved, can I see your drivers license? Shit! I left my wallet in the cab of my truck! I explain that I will need to go back to the truck and get that for her. “Okay," she says, "while you do that, I'll go get gas and we’ll get you on the road”.

I could have kissed her! I hand her the twenty-dollar bill and thank her profusely! And off she goes.

I have my license in hand when she returns and motions me to step out of the truck. We exchange the gas can and the change from the twenty for my drivers license and proof of insurance. “After you get your truck running and you're safely out of traffic, just pull over mam?” she directs. "I will meet you there." Much to my relief my truck starts first try and I move out of traffic and safely pull over.

After running my license and proof of insurance the officer approaches my window, she hands me my credentials and says "have a nice day, be safe".

Oh ya, I am having a great day! I'm thinking as I pull away.

Making my way to the gas station, I realize my emotions are all over the place and I am shook! As I pump the gas, "thanks a lot you idiot!" I say, the person at the adjacent gas pump states "excuse me?". "Oh, I am so sorry, I was talking to myself", I inform him. He shoots me a bewildered look and half-smile as he dismisses the interaction. Thinking over the whole situation I accept that I have missed my appointment. I resolve to just head for home. Once I am back on the road I pick up where I left off in my rant.

I bitch all the way home, “What a waste of time! “I accomplished absolutely nothing!” “Hope you're happy A-hole!” "If you had half a brain!" "Thanks a lot, buddy!" "Jerk!" I think how all this would have been avoided if my husband and Mr. Poser had just an ounce of consideration between the two of them!

"Have a nice day Mr. Poser!" I state as I park my car. As I walk to my front door I let go a quick hand gesture and send through the airwaves an arrogant “F-You Mr. Poser!”

Closing the door behind me I give one last thought to this matter...

"F-N men!"