Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness...

Growing up, my life seemed perfect, I had everything and anything my heart desired. So I had to be happy, right?

Wrong, so wrong. Happiness does not exist on its own, it comes from within.

This is something I have struggled to understand throughout my life. The notion of being happy seemed so simple at first; like many and most 5 year old children, I associated happiness with tangible items, but it came a day where—it wasn’t enough.

My parents spoiled me and while it was amazing, little did I know that the satisfaction and “happiness” I felt would only last for that brief moment before it would dissipate, and I would be left with utter dissatisfaction and disappointment.

All my parents ever wanted for me was to be happy; but as I aged that feeling became more and more distant, till one day it felt nearly impossible.

At age 15 I experienced my first attempt and documented depressive episode. I was soon diagnosed with depression and it wasn’t long till I was also diagnosed with general/social anxiety, attachment disorders, OCD, ADD, ADHD, and more!

I felt like I had failed my parents and broken their hearts, as all their expectations for me turned into disappointment.

They had given me the life they never had and it still wasn’t enough.

I was on the verge of not being able to graduate from high school. I saw more doctors and adults than kids my age during my medical leaves and was the first in my family to go to college, so had no guidance or understanding of anything. But being able to get through it all when no one thought I could taught me more than I could ever imagine.

Anxiety had always controlled me. Growing up I thought everyone had these thoughts and worries. I would always stress about something terrible happening to my parents every time I wasn’t with them, but I soon learned that fearing the death of my loved ones every second of the day was not normal.

There aren’t words to express the emotional pain and heartbreak I felt every time my mom had to leave my side. It was so unbearable that it felt like my heart was physically breaking.

I couldn’t breathe without her next to me. My life depended on hers. I was afraid of life in every aspect and didn’t even know I wasn’t letting myself live.

While anxiety took over my childhood, depression consumed me once I hit my teenage years.

I had always wondered what the point to life was and if there even was one. I felt as if something were missing; I tried filling that void with material goods and relationships, but that only made things worse.

My freshman year of college was hell.

Depression and anxiety was all there was left of me. Not only did it feel like I had lost everyone around me, but I had lost myself and my will to live.

I started to go down a really rough path even though I was still seeking treatment for my depression and anxiety. The guilt of not wanting to live and not knowing why killed me slowly.

I numbed myself from life so I would feel no emotion. I would either feel absolutely nothing or everything all at once; it was 0 or 100 and there was no in between. I lied to myself thinking I was fine, but then I ended up in the hospital, again and again.

I am not proud that it took multiple near death experiences for me to truly realize the value of life. I also am not saying that all my problems disappeared, they are still very much real, but they no longer control me.

Despite how cliché it may sound, in life every negative has a positive and without the bad there is no good, which is why I truly believe that—perspective is everything because perception is reality.

The opportunities that come with life’s adversities allowed me to appreciate life again and taught me that: happiness is within your control, it just depends on how you choose to look at life.

While I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, I now know that I am the only one in control and I hold the ability to change my life by simply changing my perspective.

I don’t know what the point of life is and I will always wonder if there truly is one, but for now I know it doesn’t matter because life is not supposed to be perfect, if it were then you wouldn’t be living.

Not only am I happy now, but I can also say that I love life again and that is priceless.

In my mind, life is a lot like stocks, you never know when it’s going to go up or down, but you know if you invest wisely it will be worth it in the long run.

And that is why—perspective is everything.

XOXO,

VICTORIA