Mental Health Awareness

To begin, how did I realize I had a mental illness? To start, I was fourteen years old and my parents started to notice some differences in my behavior and the way I was interacting with others. They weren't shocked though which was surprising. Having a mental illness was completely new to me and I had no idea what it meant. I started to feel emotions i.e more sadness, excessive aggression, and hopelessness. I felt like I was lost and empty. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was completely disguised of my real true identity. I first thought to myself "Why me?, this couldn't happen to me does this mean i'm not normal? "My first signs of my behavior differences are : noncompliance with parents then it turned into jobs and school. The second I was not keeping up with daily hygiene routines and lastly was being isolated in my room by choice. These all affected my daily living.

I remember I was attending a public high school in my town which was the one of the biggest high schools in the region. I was taking a regular history class and I knew exactly the book we were reading it was "Shakespeare" and I just thought in my head "There's no way I could read this, it's way too hard". I engraved that in my head. I was looking around at the other students and they read the first chapter without a problem and didn't need any help but i was over here stuck. I didn't comprehend any of the words or text. The teacher was really rude to me and said, "How can you not get this chapter you read it multiple times" I sat in silence until she left my desk. I felt stupid that I didn't actually understand it but I came to a conclusion that it was my mind telling me I couldn't do it. My thoughts consumed me while being in high school, that was just one example that caught my eye.

It was fall of 2017, and I signed up for semester classes and I was so nervous. I signed up fo a community college about twenty minutes away from my town. I took basic courses which included : History, English, and Math. These courses didn't count towards receiving your associate's degree, but can lead you towards the next steps. I was majoring in Marketing and then having a minor in Advertising. The duration of the classes I listed above were really stressful. I honestly didn't want to the do the work. Probably a week later, I met some "friends" and I thought they could be really helpful in school. Well, that was not the case, I was influenced them by these two things: marijuana and alcohol. There were two people I exactly remember and where they lived. I can just remember the intense memories we had with each other. I was absolutely insane. I was never home, I skipped class almost every day to go smoke marijuana with them and not to mention on school property. When we had our first exam for history class and the professor thought I cheated on the test and I said no. The other student thought I did and told the professor. So I was one more strike being kicked out of college. But I still was no different. It got worse actually. Week by week I just completely went downhill literally berserk. I went out late at night to do such ridiculous things and the list goes on.

After the mess being in college or you can say "college life", I was sent to my first mental health treatment center out of state. All I can tell you is that was that was the most toughest decision I made myself experience. Once I left the airport, I felt the brisk air of Illinois. The first words I heard from the admission staff asked "Please hand me your phone and any other belongings that are not allowed while you're here during your stay."I exhaled and replied " Can you explain this program more in depth please, I don't know what i'm getting myself into?" Beside the admissions process, I met some friendly girls and they showed me around. Fast forward three weeks, I met with the psychiatrist and he put me on this medication and I forgot what it was and i kept on having passing out spells. They sent me to the hospital twice and it was scary from there it was interesting.

To move forward, I've been to multiple "rehabs" as we can say in slang terms. There came a point I was eligible for a lower level of care which would be "IOP" also known as : Intensive Outpatient Program which entails a more in depth therapeutic approach and more freedom. This is where I learned different types of therapy mechanisms such as cognitive therapy, dialectical therapy and group intensive therapy. There were days in those dark black chairs where I remembered that " How did I even get here?" I'm not talking physically, im talking mentally. All I could do is sit in those dirty black chairs and think "So if I do these groups and just sit here will I graduate?" I always felt dumb asking these questions to myself. Well here comes the sixth therapist telling me "We're all here to help you!" I thought in my mind and replied "This whole "group thing" is not going to work out." She looked into my eyes and said "If you don't go to these groups then they wont help you hun." My mind went in many directions. I demanded to leave. The staff wouldn't let me leave and I just started weeping. I told myself " I hate myself, I can never do anything right!". Just to mention this is the one out of many types of therapy programs that this has reoccurred. I could write for hours about these IOP programs and my mental health issues. The nonsense needed to end somewhere.

Well right now I have a feeling you know a little about me so let's just skip to where I am now. I'm currently in an independent living program and at first I thought this is just a "scam". I didn't believe in the program. I had that mindset went on for like five months. Just mind you I still had the same attitude and yes I haven't gone to groups for five months. But there was a moment that struck me which also made me very upset I got my iPhone taken away and since two months gone by without it I have improved a lot. I have better conversations with my mother and father. I started saying "good bye" to those who made my life worse. I started losing weight and eating healthier. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can say this has been a long road and when I thought I was alone I really wasn't. I know this isn't the end of my story but it won't define me. If I can do it you can do it. You got this! Cheers to new beginnings and a brighter future.