Mental and Emotional Quicksand

Perception Can Be Deceiving

Normally, I try to write as an outsider or in a broad concept point of view. I don’t write or post anything that is analytical of myself, my life, or the like. In fact, normally while reading my public posts, you won’t see the word “I” come up that often. It’s not my style to write from a point of self or that isn’t about a fictional character or the reader’s perspective. It makes sense though, after all, that is how we are taught to write in order to have our work accepted and relatable to the masses.

As you can tell… this post is going to be different. This post will be a communication of sorts between you and I. The reason is actually very simple and true to its core. There is no way to write about this topic and distance it from myself or where my life is right now. I stared at the blinking cursor for over twenty minutes and tried so hard to think of something else to write about. My heart wasn’t having it. Something in me wants to write this post and perhaps even needs to share this post with all of you. So, here we go.

Private Enemy Number One

I realize over and over that there are not moments that I dislike myself. Instead, there are moments when I either realize, or am willing to admit, that I never like myself. Yes, I am a good person in terms of how I treat others and caring about my fellow humans who are also caring. Of that, I’m golden with myself. It is the anger and disappointment and even rage I feel toward the person in the mirror far too often. There are days when I outright hate that person for wasting so much of my life. I have rage toward that person for where I am in my life and more to the point, where I’m not.

Ironically, I know it is all fixable and that the right path is somewhere under my feet. All that is needed is to calm down and get the clear vision to see it. After that, just walk the path. It’s ironic because the emotional and mental rage and sadness will stop me from being able to clear my mind and see that path. Instead, I view it all through the haze of how I feel and the storm of panic and imploding thought and emotion. I choose a path and begin to walk it, only to find that it was the wrong path and I’ve now wasted more time and created more hurt. From there the cycle continues, only at a much faster pace than before. The worst thing about being your own worst enemy is that there is no way to win when you are fighting your exact equal.

Closing Thoughts and Honesty

I would love to tell you that this post is going to end with some inspiring and uplifting sentiment. However; the honest truth is that as I write this now, I’m just not there yet myself. Yes, I could put some upbeat and positive words on these pages. Essentially, faking it for the sake of looking like a leader or as though my life is always on an upward journey. Instead, I would rather just be blunt and overly honest by saying, “I’m a messed-up person that has gotten most things wrong. I’m working on it and so far, I haven’t won the battle.” That is the truth. I am aware that I am not alone in feeling lost. My life is at a stand still because I’m lost in my mind and my emotions are a storm of uncontrollable variations. It’s not that I’m not willing to work to improve and it’s not that I am happy or even content with my situation. I’m not lazy at all. I’m just lost.