Meeting Myself

Thanksgiving with my friends and Dean was not what I thought it would be like at all. I thought that me and Dean would experience one more event together that sent me off to Texas feeling secure emotionally with him. As though the two of us would have the sense of knowing that he and would make it together from being apart and merging back together. Why? Because in my heart I felt that he was right for me and that it was just bad timing. That’s not what happened though. That scene was just an image I had in my head.

Yeah, I know. I'm such a dreamer.

What really happened was my female friend was really busy cooking for thanksgiving. She never wants help in the kitchen. I don’t remember why but she had planned to pick Dean up from the fairy and felt stressed with the timing due to cooking a big dinner. I offered to pick Dean up. I don’t know why but she looked surprised. She took me up on the offer and looked relieved.

Dean, however, was not thrilled with this change. How do I know this? Because 1) he read my text message about my picking him up but never responded. When he doesn't like something, he read he doesn't say anything. 2) I stood outside on a cold day by the fairy waiting for him. When I saw him coming up towards me, he did not look at me. He walked right past me walking towards my car.

As soon as we were settled in the car, he was talking about the cold breeze he was feeling from the walk. I quickly turned the car on to heat up the car for him. Due to how he was acting I could tell right away that this thanksgiving was not at all what I was hoping for. Dean was feeling upset, to say the least, that I was leaving, and I didn’t know what to do with that. It's not that easy for me to feel like I can talk with someone I really care for when I haven’t had the experience of communicating with my better half. My soon to be ex-husband did not enjoy having emotional serious conversations.

So, I just drove the car in silence feeling awkward and sad but doing whatever he needed in the car ride to feel warm and comfortable. Driving Dean around the area always made me feel nervous. I feel better driving when its literally just me in the car but having someone else in the car has never been fun for me. Why? Because I got used to the experience of driving around with my family and my soon to be ex-husband.

In that experience no one listens to each other, there's arguments all over the place at every angle, and judgements are all over the place. It doesn't matter what is going on in the car ride. There has to be something wrong and always an excuse to do something I never wanted to do in the first place. What does it matter how I feel? So basically... I felt like every time I drove Dean around anywhere, I assumed he would yell at me, tell me I'm being stupid, crazy, not paying attention the way he wanted me to pay attention.

My PTSD (Past Trauma Syndrome Disorder) feels really bad.

Once I had parked the car in the apartment complex, feeling insecure about my parking because I always feel like I am being judged, we walked out of the car, and I asked Dean to give me a hug. Part of me wishes I had just let him walk ahead of me towards the stairs that led to the door of the apartment. Wanting the hug was selfish of me and he was confirming my thoughts by the way he hugged me that things definitely had changed between us. He didn’t give me the hug I was wanting from him. The kind of embrace that says, “I understand that you have to leave for now but I’m still here for you.” Instead, he lifted me up in the air and gave me a tight squeeze, but that hug felt so distant. That hug made me feel worse, but I did not blame. The hug just confirmed that I no longer had him in my life the way I wanted to. I did not blame him for how he felt, I just wished that things were different between us, but time was running out on my end with life in Everette, Washington. I was feeling really disconnected from the friends I once felt I could turn to for anything. I could not turn to them or talk with them anymore about what was going on inside my head and heart. They did not know how to help me, and my path seemed to be difficult for people to understand.

We arrived inside our friends’ apartment to get warm and relax with everyone. After Dean warmed up, he decided to get drinks ready for everyone. He pointed at everyone asking if they wanted some alcohol. I felt really surprised that he asked me if I wanted a drink. I really thought he was going to ignore my presence while I was there.

That night I got a little drunk because it felt better drinking than being sober. I remember Dean looking at me after everyone had some drinks. He walked up to me, put his arm around my shoulders and asked me how I was doing.

“I am happily drunk.”, as I wrapped my arm around his waist.

“Happily, drunk… “, Dean repeated after me.

After we ate some dinner Dean asked our friends if he could eat some pumpkin pie. Our male friend said that Dean had to ask me because I bought Dean the whole pie. After I told him he could start on the pie he went and devoured as much as he could after that thanksgiving dinner.

The next morning, I was waiting for the uber to arrive. I had not experienced riding in an uber yet… And being raised by my parents? Their words were haunting me. That the driver was not actually going to bring me to the airport but drive me elsewhere to do whatever he wanted with me. I did not bother telling my friends of this fear because honestly? In the state I was in they would not have helped me feel better. What I really wanted was any one of them to drive me to the airport. I felt scared of my next chapter, and I did not want to ride in an uber with someone I did not know feeling the way I felt heading towards the next part of my path.

If it were me on the other side of this situation, I would have offered the ride and driven my friend, because to me, that meant I was being there for my friend while he or she felt troubled on the inside. BUT… 1) They are not me. That clearly wasn't how they felt. They just wanted to relax at home during their holiday break from work. 2) Things were different. I had to take an uber. I was alone during this divorce, and I needed to accept that.

The uber arrived faster than I expected. I walked up to Dean in the living room as he was finishing off the pumpkin pie. I asked him to get up from the couch to give me a hug. He looked like he was having difficulty getting up from the couch.

“Are you ok?...”, I asked him.

“Yeah… just eating too much pie.”, He answered.

I reluctantly told him it was time for me to leave for the airport. I hugged him. As we let go of our embrace he asked if I needed him to do anything for me. I felt surprised of his offer. I wasn't expecting him to be nice to me, though his kindness was making the departure a little easier. I asked him to walk me to the uber.

As we stood in the parking lot, I turned to him and hugged him again. Just before letting go of the embrace, he sweetly kissed my lips. Again, I felt really shocked and surprised by how sweet he was being with me, but I also felt really thankful. I left his embrace and walked inside the uber. The only thing that helped me riding the uber was me reliving the feeling of his embrace and sweet gentle kiss on my lips.

The experience at the airport turned out ok being that it was Black Friday. I felt thankful that I experienced being at the airport and flying alone for the first time because I grew used to being with people stressing out about anything and everything, whether it is for traveling or just getting ready for an event. In that scenario I am having to hold in all of my thoughts and feelings as they explode all over my space because my exploding on them would only make things worse.

I felt nervous of the thought of being on the wrong plane even though I read the sign walking through the doorway to the plane and double checked my plane ticket. The flight attendant didn’t actually look at my ticket after I asked her too because she didn’t care. I asked the person sitting next to me if this plane matched my ticket. She said everything looked good. It wasn’t until I arrived in the Houston, Texas airport calling my parents to let them know I was walking through the airport... that I was feeling pushed to myself again. Why? Because after I told my mom that I needed to look for the right signs to reach their car she totally flipped out on the other side of the phone call. She believed I would not find the car.

Thanks, mom, for not trusting my reading skills. How do you think I made it to this airport to begin with???

Once I reached my parents car my dad was really stressed out about being near this airport. Apparently, he wanted me to ride on an expensive flight that he thought was better for his own personal issues as far as picking me up was concerned. Oh... the stress my parents come with...

It doesn’t matter. Any decision I make from my heart neither of them will approve of. I chose a cheap Black Friday ticket because I wanted to experience seeing Dean again. I have wished that things would feel better between me and my parents, but they won’t feel good between us ever due to our differences. The more I grow the less connected I feel with my family. I will have to create my own reality and do things differently with my own family.

As my dad drove us from the airport toward the house, I felt very unsettled. I felt like a loser. I was going back to my family who doesn’t believe in me and who are not truly there for ME. It doesn’t matter that there is some love there from them. Having that emotional support, I grew used to having from the friends I used to have in Washington meant everything to me. I did not know that there were people out there who weren’t judgmental and were actually helpful even if they didn’t agree with your decision making. I’m sure that my friends did not understand what I was going through, yet they were there for me as much as they felt they could be.

So, the start of this journey was about me feeling gross, unsettled, and like a loser. Unfortunately, I would continue with the lack of any privacy as I was healing from this divorce. My dad did not want people in the house making any changes for what I was going through. He wanted everyone to feel comfortable in their bedrooms and me sleeping on the couch, wanting to cry myself to sleep, but not feeling comfortable doing so because anyone could catch me crying.