Me vs. Eating Disorders

I've been fighting my battle against eating disorders since I was twelve. I know what you're probably thinking.

Wow.. twelve? Isn't that a little.. young?

That is what happens when you put pressure on a child just because they "looked a little heavier than their peers".

The Root of All Problems

My problems start all the way back to the conversations I had with my grandmother. It started off as her just pointing out how my outfit that day made me look a little pudgy, to her bringing up how I've gained "so much weight" every time I'd come over to visit. Eventually, she graduated to pointing out celebrities and models in fashion magazines just to tell me how I "needed my body to look exactly like theirs in order to be attractive".

Grandmothers were supposed to spoil their grandkids and feed them everything the parent wouldn't dare give to their child. So how come my grandmother was refusing to feed me 8-10 hours a day because I was looking a little thick that day? Do you realize how confusing that must be to a young girl? I would walk around the mall, watching the grandparents give their grandchildren pretzels from Auntie Anne's or cookies from Mrs. Fields, meanwhile my grandmother was dragging me from store to store to point out clothes in smaller sizes so I was able to see what I could be wearing if I just had a smaller waist.

Family is blood. Family is supposed to love and care for you no matter what. So why did I feel like my family was letting me down for the beginning of my teenage years?

At the age of twelve, I had already mastered skills such as;

• fake eating
• convincing someone that I just wasn't hungry or that I just ate a huge meal
• counting the calories of anything I consumed, no matter how small
• timing how long it'll take me to get to a bathroom after I ate
• ignoring that nauseous feeling I'd get whenever I didn't eat anything

and so on..

Me: 0, Body Dysmorphia: 1

Body dysmorphia is a disorder where you cannot stop thinking about the flaws in your own appearance; no matter how small that flaw is, or even if the flaw is unseen by peers.

Do you realize how hard of a struggle it is to get through middle school with body dysmorphia? I was already having to deal with my own mind critiquing the way I looked every time I looked into a mirror, and now I had a bunch of other 13 year olds telling me the same exact thing as I was already telling myself in the comfort of my own bedroom.

Being Afraid of The Image in The Mirror

Have you ever made a pact with yourself that you'll stop doing something for the goodness of your health? For some people, it's to stop drinking. For others, it's probably to stop doing drugs. For me, it was to stop looking into the mirror. At the time, it made sense. Anytime I looked into a mirror, I felt a hundred times worse about myself, so why would I look at them?

Now of course it didn't go for all mirrors. I was okay with those mirrors that are angled up so they couldn't see your body, but the full-length ones.. those were a definite never. I still remember how much of a nightmare it was for me to enter public bathrooms because they almost always had a full length mirror right at the front of the entrance. Even today, I still refuse to use the full-length mirrors (and it's been ten years since).

Coming Clean

I finally coughed up enough courage to tell someone about my "problem" about four years after it all started.

It started by me asking a close friend what they would do if they knew someone who was in this type of situation. But it turned out being a bit of a bust because it turned out that person also had a battle of their own, so we ended up just sharing secrets we've learned throughout our "journey" as if we had weightless stories we were swapping back and forth.

The next person on my list was my mom. It took a lot of courage, and a little bit of fear, but I managed to let it out. My mom was really understanding, especially when I explained to her who it was exactly that put me on this very path.

I never really knew why my mom was so understanding when I came clean to her till a year later. My mom and I were at my grandmothers house and during the heat of an argument between my mother and grandmother, my mom told me to tell her exactly what I had told her a year prier. I have had my fair share of anxiety attacks, but in that moment I was sure I was about to see my last breath of air. No matter how many times I tried to push the topic away, I had to just give it up.

"Your words and critiques put me through a health crisis."

The hurt on my grandmothers face when I said those words. You'd think I just stabbed her in the back.. like she was the victim in all of this. But before my grandma had a chance to try and get herself out of this, my mom said something I never thought I'd ever hear come out of her mouth:

"I hope you're happy.. you put both your own daughter AND granddaughter through eating disorders because of your own words and actions."

It was that moment when I realized why my mom was so understanding with me before. She actually did understand. She knew exactly how I was feeling. The only difference was that my mom was sixteen when her battle began.. I was thirteen.

Relapsing After Six Years

I had six years recovery. Six years. I spent six years terrified I'd break it just by stepping on a scale or even starting a new diet to lose just a little weight. I was even terrified to step onto the scale at the gym or doctors office because I was afraid of seeing the number that showed up. Who would have thought I actually would throw away those six years all due to just one night in 2021? I literally survived a freaking pandemic without getting covid and STILL lost a battle to anorexia all because I got lost in the negative thoughts that were hiding in the far back of my mind.

But now it's August 2021 and I have almost seven months (six months and 21 days to be exact). It may not be six years, but with a little time I definitely can see myself defeating that milestone once again. Fingers crossed.

The purpose of writing this is to show someone who may be trying to win the same battle that they are not alone. It's scary. It's terrifying. But take it from me.. don't be afraid to tell someone close to you (that being a family member, a friend, or even a teacher you trust at school). Someone out there cares enough about you that they will go out of their way to help you win this battle.. you just have to let them know about the battle in order to gain their help.