M.H.A

So this is basically a personal edition of Mental Health Awareness. What better way to introduce myself than to speak on something I go through that others can relate to, right? There are a lot of different disorders and such when people talk about Mental Health but only a few are highlighted honestly. Sometimes people do not fully understand what it means to suffer or deal with any of these different types of mental health issues and illnesses. So I’m here to specifically talk about the mental health issues that I experience.

I guess this is a way to talk about it out in the open and maybe someone out there could relate or use it as inspiration or motivation honestly. (Quick disclaimers: I may not always use the actual words ex: ‘Mental Health’ or ‘Mental Health Awareness/Illness’ so I will abbreviate. I also have not worked through my MHI but I am currently on the path to coping with them.)

First up is Anxeity/ Panic Attacks and what happens when I have them. I honestly, from my knowledge, do not know how long I’ve been suffering from anxiety initially. I thought it started after I had my first daughter when I went back to work. They honestly never really tell you EVERYTHING when you become a new mother, most times you have to figure it out on your own. Either you succeed or you fail or you simply do both.

My dad has told me on many occasions that I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was a kid. Somehow life and my traumas blocked it out because I don’t recall anxiety as a child. In reality I didn’t know what anxiety and depression fully and truly meant mainly experience, expression, and coping wise. I was most definitely going through life so far very wrong and didn’t know that my actions, feelings, and thoughts were symptoms of A & D. When I first started working after my baby I was excited, nervous and sad.

I was excited to start making money again, nervous because it was my first time back in a while, and sad clearly because I was leaving my baby. It’s normal to feel this way (don’t let ANYONE tell you it’s not). The training was a breeze it wasn’t until it was showtime, that’s when everything fell apart. I was working inside Cedar Point getting the park clean and ready for opening day. The first day of actually serving customers my body and mind took a turn for what felt like the worst day.

My body felt different, I wanted to cry, I was breathing faster, and panicking when no one was around. I tried to breathe as best as I could, I tried to control it, I talked to my boyfriend and my dad. I tried to get their help, I didn’t know what was going on. Was I not ready to be in the work field that fast paced? Was my body telling me ‘Now is not the time?’ Like what was it?

I was crying so many times that day to where I asked if I could go home. I didn’t know what was happening and clearly I was in NO condition to be working that fast paced. My dad said it was anxiety, I went to get help and was put on medication, new mom on medication for anxiety wow sounds fun right? Wrong.

Throughout the years since the first time I realized I was having a panic attack, I noticed what my body was going through. Physically if I was moving fast paced and was running low on energy things got ugly once I wasn’t moving so fast paced. It’s like once there was nothing for me to hastily do, my heart didn’t stop racing, my feelings was overpowering me, and I was starting to shed tears and hyperventilate.

Once the tears are dropping and the breathing gets faster my body temperature changes. It’s like the outside feels hot but I have the shakes. I try to calm down but once I do I panic again and it doesn’t stop until I lay down and close my eyes. Once I have a full blown non-medicated panic attack there’s nothing I can do besides sleep. I really feel like that’s my bodies way of saying I’m doing too much at that time in life and I need to be forced to reset so I can be myself again, whatever that means.

Well that is a wrap on MHA- Mental Health Personal Edition Pt. 1. Part 2 will begin to talk about my depression and depending on how long that is there could possibly be a part 3 to wrap this portion on MHPE.