Looking Up, Then In, Then Out

It starts with a numbness. A stirring in your body that knows something is wrong. You want to acknowledge it but the pattern of routine is a comfort so you choose to ignore it.

You walk on in life with a smile plastered on your face, knowing that you are not where you are supposed to be, trying all the harder to fit in because you do not want to acknowledge the change in yourself.

"I am not going to listen," you say to no one.

The irksome feeling drawing you to look inside yourself. You shake your head relentlessly, drown out with music and the laughter of friends who will forget you in the morning, and blur out the feeling.

I will not be ignored, it says in one final attempt to get your attention.

You shake your head willing the noise to go away and in that moment let out an earth shattering scream. Then you look up hoping to see a world that said it cared. Instead all you see is the leaves in the tree of an abandoned park rustle. The ducks continue on in their conversation not bothered by your scream at all.

You curse because it is as if the universe itself is mocking you. You kick at the already upturned earth, break the bark off a long dead tree, throw a stone as hard as you can into the nearby pond startling the ducks who fly away.

Now you are truly alone and your thoughts will not leave you alone. There is nothing there to distract you and for once you cave.

"Ok what is it that you want me to see!" you cry anxiously to the heavens.

All stays silent. You close your eyes tight against the wave of loneliness and despair. You want to let the tears fall and just as they are about to. . . you hear the silence. It is not a constant buzz, insinuating that you are forever in alone in a world that goes on without you.

You hear the wind, hush my child.

It caresses your face in a soothing chill. It dries the tears and you wipe them from the corner of your eye.

Listen to me.

You are powerless to do anything but nod your head. You are tired of fighting the constant need to continue looking toward an uncertain future. You have given up a hope that you even have one.

Look around you, the wind rushes by.

You listen and you just look around you. The ducks are coming back and walk by you. Their beady eyes stare at you. It is not of judgement but curiosity. You smile, they blink and walk carefully toward you.

You let out a slight chuckle that startles them. You look up to the trees. The light from the sun slowly filtering through. It touches your face and you feel the joy of the warmth.

"Wait," you say aloud. "I feel joy?"

You look back at the ducks who are listening, the leaves rustle in response and the sun seems to shine that much brighter. You smile, genuinely, for the first time in what feels like forever.

You let out a laugh and it rasps. You are not used to making that sound and your body is trying to get used to that motion. It relaxes and there is no strain.

Laughter, pure and loud escapes your lips and for once you feel a sense of belonging. A control of your own body that has long since stopped being yours comes back with a vengeance and a new sense of strength returns to the once vacant hole in your life.

Your shoulders slumped from the weight of the world. You listen to the silence. You have allowed yourself to voice your fears, make them known, and deal with them. They tower over you and it feels overwhelming.

You know what you have to do, you hear a whisper.

You turn to only see the leaves in the trees. You look toward your fear and they are shrinking more and more in the light of day. You look closely at them and they are now even see through them.

You strain your eyes for fear of blinking. You do not want them to grow.

They are able to be dealt with. You are able to fight back. There is an element that you had not seen before in the mess. You see the hope even through the fear.

"I can beat them," you say to yourself, to them.

That one reflective moment of silence was all it took to make you want to stay. Maybe there are more reasons.

You frantically press the keys on your cell phone, "Hello?"

"Yes mam this is Mindy how may I be of service for you today?" said a cheery voice on the other end of the line.

"I would like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Santiago," you barely whisper.

"Ah yes she is available anytime over the weekend if you wish," came the equally cheery reply.

"Saturday any time in the morning would be perfect," you answer with a new filled purpose.

"Alright I will put your down for 10:30 a.m. is that okay mam?" she asked with enunciation on the time.

"Yes that is perfect," I say with a trembling voice.

"Would you like it to be sooner?" she asks me with concern. I am about to break into tears as she continues, "I can see if I can schedule you sooner. All I will have to switch is. . ."

"No," I interrupt with a grateful, rather wet laugh. "You have just made my day."

"I am glad to hear that. I also would like to mention that we have people on the line 24/7 if you feel like you need someone to talk to real quick," she says barely above a whisper.

That one whisper took the weight of the world off of my chest and I felt more free. I let out a real laugh that was not raspy or forced.

It was freeing.

"No thank you," I say wiping away the tears of joy. "I think I will be fine."

"Only if you are sure," she says with unbelief.

"I have never felt more at peace," I answer honestly.

"Then I will see you Saturday," she answers with a smile in her voice.

The world around me becomes clearer. The images more detailed and the color more sharp. I turn my head to the sky, close my eyes and whisper a thank you into the air.

Your welcome, is heard through the shaking leaves, the suns rays warm my face and I am free.

-This article was written by a young woman who thought she had nothing else to live for, she was wounded and found herself to be worthless. She found the sounds of the nature and looked into herself and found a worth she did not know existed. If she can do it, you can do.-

I found myself staring at the description underneath and smile. There was no name attached exactly how I wanted it to be.

Sure, the words were not all reality. I had to spice it up as a good storyteller is wont to do when discussing all that they have witnessed.

If they never knew that the wind did not speak, there were no ducks, and the demons were all in the mind, then who did that harm. It was what I knew to be a reality and set it to paper.

The real meaning was there anyway.

Sometimes you have to look up in desperation, look out for answers, and look in for the final change.

As always thank you so much for reading! I want to make more works like these as I feel that it is really important to focus on topics that are hard: depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and the feeling of loneliness. I do understand that it can be hard to hear and read, but I feel as if there are people feeling this more often than we think.

Maybe they are not just saying something because they fear the reaction of others. It is hard to go through life feeling as if you are not allowed to talk about and trust people with struggles and therefore can lead to more rash decisions with consequences.

Maybe this can open up a conversation where people will be able to talk and the hard outcomes of these decisions can be less severe. I know it is hard to hear and even harder to think through, but let us not be frightened.

Let us really talk and open up.

Thank you for allowing me to share these stories and to share this truth.