Looking for love in all the wrong places

From the time I was a little girl and watched my parents get married, I knew I wanted that kind of love in my life. I never really fit in with many of my friends growing up, and as a result I fell in love with books, especially those with a happy ending. Those who know me and those who follow me, know that for 5 years I was in an abusive marriage. Leaving was the scariest and hardest thing I have done, EVER. Yet, my hope for finding my happy ending has never wavered. The past few weeks especially, I am wondering if it is something attainable. My situation is unique and not exactly what men put on their list for dream girls. I have asked myself many times, 'Is he out there somewhere?' 'Is he lost?' 'Why can't he find me?'

As a survivor, its even more apparent when people are paired off. I do not feel jealousy at other's happiness. Rather, I feel this incredible longing and am all too aware that it's not there. In my search, I have recently discovered the importance of taking time to myself- to do something just for me. One of my best friends told me today, 'Maybe you need to learn to be ok that you won't find someone.'

That hit home- HARD! I cannot seem to get anyone to understand it's not my age that makes it feel like I am running out of time or have plenty of years to find him. Rather it is the longing and desire to find that person from the time I was 3 years old. For nearly 30 years, I have waited and searched and never found him. The pain inside of being alone with everything I do is more than anyone ever knows.

I'm a survivor and anyone who has been in my situation knows exactly what I mean when I say, we hold it in. We do not talk about it and if we do manage to choke out some words, it's never the entire story or enough to fully describe what we are going through, what we are battling.

Often, I have heard people say 'Don't go looking for love in the wrong places.' For me, that wrong place is always a physical attraction that lands me in trouble. I by no means want a man who looks at me and says gross, but I so desperately want to be seen for more than my physical looks. I want to be seen for my humor or ambition and kindness. I want someone to look at those things and fall in love with me for them. While I don't know if that person is actually out there and am finding myself feeling less and less hopeful, I have come to one important conclusion.

I know what I am worth and that I deserve that person. I deserve to find someone who will love me, who will appreciate my situation and who will admire the strength it took to get out of my marriage. I deserve that, as does anyone who can escape an abusive relationship. I want someone I can lean on, to hold me and tell me it's ok that I don't have to be strong all the time.

I know these type of men exist. I have met them- as brothers, extended family, professors and even as husbands of my friends. So I know good men exist. This is the type of man I will mold my own sons to be, to grow up into so that their partners never feel a void or feel alone.

So for anyone out there who is reading this and has ever struggled with love, with loneliness or even with self-worth, you are not alone. Knowing that in itself is a powerful thing. There are many of us who feel this way, who struggle and have a hard time. Ask yourself what your biggest vulnerability is and what you can do to change it.

Tonight, I am feeling vulnerable and alone. Tonight, I feel broken inside. What do I intend to do about it? Take time away from everyone and read a book. Something I have not done in years. The first step in acknowledging MY vulnerability is writing this. The solution I am taking in it? To do something to be kind to myself, as a person and a mother. Tonight, this is who I am. This is ME.