Lonely people, even when surrounded by friends, still feel out of place

There is such a kind of inner lonely people, even surrounded by friends, or the feeling of antipathy. Their sense of worth is not based on what others say, and no amount of external affirmation can bring them out of their loneliness. Introverts are thought to be more likely to feel lonely, but extroverts are actually more likely to feel lonely. The former have self-contained inner world and can enjoy happiness in solitude; The latter, they lack the experience to get along with themselves, so they are more likely to feel lonely after leaving their friends. So what does psychology say about loneliness? Is it a support or a hindrance to our growth?

The two emotional experiences of loneliness

meet

Lonely people have a feeling of contentment, which is based on the individual's strong ability to integrate their inner world. The objective loneliness refers to the individual distancing himself from social contact, not many friends, let alone intimate relations. But for some people, instead of feeling lonely, it's a state of contentment. They achieve a high degree of cognitive, emotional, and will harmony, unity, and experience contradictions, entanglements, pain and suffering more than others. They have the capacity for self-satisfaction, and for them, basic needs, including a sense of worth and recognition, do not need to be obtained through others.

pain

The other kind of lonely people are miserable inside. They have a deep desire to connect with others, but they suffer setbacks in their relationships every time. They feel scared, nervous and even fearful when they are alone, and they want to be cared for and taken care of by others. This kind of people are easy to fall into loneliness, because as long as others slightly ignore and neglect them, they will have the illusion of being rejected, and then fall into loneliness. What they need is a "good enough mom" who is there every day to comfort and take care of them. But none of their friends can do this, which makes them feel particularly lonely.

Why does a lonely person feel out of place when surrounded by friends?

I found myself different from everyone else

There is nothing inherently wrong with finding yourself different from everyone else. The problem is making sense of it. For the lonely people, they feel that this difference just reflects their own superiority. They think they are different because they are better than everyone else. But the truth is, everyone is different. Lonely people interpret the characteristics that everyone has as their own characteristics, so they develop a sense of superiority. They think I'm special, so I can't be like you. This feeling of being out of place comes from their delusional experience of their superior sense of self-worth.

Internalize the caregiver

People who are lonely in their heart are intrinsically an intrinsic attachment personality. When we talk about attachment personality, we're talking about external attachment. The individual has a strong need for attachment to someone other than himself. And the so-called intrinsic attachment, that is, the individual has a strong need to attach to themselves. You can define it narrowly as narcissism, but narcissism doesn't represent all inner attachments. To put it another way, people who are lonely in their hearts have a "mother" figure in their inner world, or a "lover figure". This inner mother, or inner lover, is good enough for herself and will never betray herself. As a result, they have a strong dependence on their inner mother or inner lover. Because their attachment is directed inwards, they appear alienated from the outside world.

See differences as obstacles

Lonely people often lack trust and believe that only their inner world is safe. They see differences as a hindrance, and they see differences as a stress. Because other people's views are different from mine, I can not fully agree with your views, but also shake my original views, which brings me great pressure. This feeling of being out of place can be interpreted as a kind of psychological defense. In other words, if I don't connect with you, there will be no psychological stress. I don't care about your views, I don't impose mine on you, we don't interfere. Because of this psychological defense, even when surrounded by friends, people will feel like they are out of place.

What should we do in the face of loneliness?

For people who are content inside

For the contented loner, there is no need to change. Because there is not only one way to grow, one should have an open attitude to humanity. Lonely people who feel content in their hearts, with a sense of connectedness to the world, are filled with inner power. When faced with a real problem, they are even more courageous than those who fit in. They have a great ability to integrate their inner world and comfort themselves in a reasonable way, no matter how bad their emotions are. Their sense of worth comes from within and they don't feel excluded or rejected. They have a certain spontaneity and are able to choose the life they want spontaneously.

For people who feel pain inside

For lonely people who feel miserable inside, something needs to change. Of course, it's not about being socially involved right away, it's about understanding your situation first. You're like a little kid at heart, and you're desperate for someone like your mother to take care of you. But you have to understand that each person is unique. No one exists specifically to take care of you. It's up to you to learn to take care of yourself. The relationship between people is not as close as you think, it is more of a value exchange. No one can tolerate you unconditionally. If you treat others well, they will treat you well. You have to learn to clarify the relationship between people, can get out of loneliness.

In short, a lonely person will feel out of place even when surrounded by friends.