Living With OCD

I'm finally in bed after a long and busy day. My body is in the perfect position, the bed is soft and warm, and I'm slowly drifting off to sleep...

Did I lock the front door!? I remember locking the door but did it actually lock? Or was it just my imagination? What of someone breaks in? What if they kill me? did I lock the door?

The thoughts pop into my head loud and intrusive, and even though I know that I locked the door as soon as I got home from work, just like I do every day, the thoughts won't go away. The only thing I know that will put my mind at ease is if I get up and check. And once I've checked and found that the front door was in fact locked, I have to check again, and a third time until I am completely 100% sure that the front door is locked and I can finally go to bed.

These types of thoughts happen all the time, at any hour of the day, no matter what I'm doing, with no warning. They aren't always the same thought either. No, these thoughts can be about anything from "Did I lock the front door?" to "If I don't do this certain thing right now someone in my family will die." These intrusive thoughts are from my OCD and there is no way to stop them from invading my head.

One of the most common intrusive thought that I get is "If I don't do this thing right now I will die." It can be about anything. For example, I will be playing a video game and out of nowhere I'll get a thought that if I don't complete something in time or if I don't do a certain task or collect a certain thing, I am going to die. I know these thoughts are ridiculous and that they aren't real, but there is still a part of me that thinks "what if?" and makes me do the task in order to put my mind at ease. No matter how ridiculous I know the thoughts are, I have no control over them or how they make me feel. Once an intrusive thought pops into my head, it's there until I do what it tells me to do.

Having intrusive thoughts isn't the only thing about living with OCD. It's also being stuck in daily routines, washing your hands until their red and raw to avoid germs and contamination, and always telling yourself that you are bad for doing these things and thinking these things that are out of your control.

My OCD was at its worse when I was younger, before it was properly diagnosed. I would be doing all these weird things and having all these weird and horrible thoughts and not knowing any better, I thought they were normal. At one point I was terrified of germs and getting sick and dying and I would constantly wash my hands until there were red and raw after touching anything. It even got to the point where I wouldn't hug my father or go near him because I was terrified of the germs on him, and I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking it was for him. Finally my parents took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCD and given medication to help. The medication helped with my OCD, but according to my mother, it also made me into an unresponsive zombie and I was taken off the medication shortly afterwards.

Throughout the rest of my childhood and teen years I silently battled with my OCD without the help of medication or a counselor/therapist. I was aware that I had OCD but I wasn't completely aware of how it affected me. I was so young when I was diagnosed and had no memory of how the medication made me feel, so it just became normal for me. I do remember my friends pointing things out and making comments about some of the things I was doing (repeatedly tapping my hands and feet in patterns, constantly washing my hands, being stuck in routines, etc) but thankfully they never made me feel bad or different for having OCD.

It wasn't until I was in my early twenties when I really started to focus on and understand my OCD. I checked out a book from the library about OCD titled "Because We Are Bad" by Lily Bailey and for the first time in my life I felt seen and heard and I knew that I was not alone in my struggle with OCD. That book changed my life and gave me the push I needed to seek help and get medication. It's been almost two years since and I feel better than ever. The medication didn't cure my OCD (there is no such thing) but it certainly helps with the intrusive thoughts and compulsions that used to haunt me day to day. Although intrusive thoughts do still pop up from time to time, I know and understand that they are not real and it has become easier to dismiss them which is such a relief.

OCD is not about things being clean and organized. It is not cute or quirky. Living with OCD is hell and exhausting. The most important thing to know is that OCD is a liar and wants you to suffer. Don't let it take over your life and don't be afraid to seek help.