Living with Depression and Anxiety

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. What? What is that? Oh no. My alarm. I have to get up now. I have to start my day. I have to get ready for work. What if people look at me today? What if they judge me. Shoot, I have bags under my eyes. What if they think I look tired? What if they judge how I look. Stop. Stop you're fine. Just put on your makeup, brush your hair and teeth. We're running out of time.

"Mom, are you ready?"

"Let's go."

Oh god, there are so many people here. Just hurry. Walk to the back. Take shortcuts. I have to avoid them. I have to avoid the people. What if they ask me something? What if I don't know the answer. WALK FASTER. HURRY. Quick. Clock in. You can't be late. You can't take forever. Walk to your register.

"Saraa, make sure you make people come to your register."

Oh no. What if by standing here people think I'm weird? What if the managers think I'm not doing my job right? Please come to me. Don't pass me. No please don't come to me. Go to someone else. Please. Please don't stare at me.

"Hi, do you need any bags?"

What if they start talking to me? What if they ask me how my day is? I don't know how my day is. What if I answer wrong. SHHH. It will be okay. SHH. Get the customer gone.

"Would you like to apply for the Walmart rewards master card today?"

Please say no. Wait, say yes. Please say yes so I don't have to keep asking this over and over. Please. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Breathe. Walk out. Find your mom's car. Shhh. Take your shirt off. They will think you're just another customer in the store.

"Hi honey, how was work?"

"It was fine, mom. I had a good day."

Why are you lying? You didn't have a good day. You worried. Liar. LIAR. DISGUSTING. Get home. Take a shower. Oh great. I look horrible. My thighs. My stomach. Why can't you just be normal?! Look at your makeup. FREAK. DISGUSTING. STOP. Please stop. Stop thinking like this. It's okay. You will be okay. The water is too warm. What if I cut myself shaving? Go slow. No, what if someone needs to come in here. HURRY. STOP. HURRY. SLOW. You're fine. Get out. Dry off. Ugh, disgusting. Why look in the mirror.

"Hi baby, how was work today? I missed you."

"Work was fine, I guess."

LIAR. You know you want to quit. To give up. To stay alone.

"That's good, baby. You wanna watch a movie?"

"Yes, please."

Why can't I look like her? Stop. You look fine.

"Babe, I'm so tired. I need to go to bed."

20 minutes later: "Babe, I can't sleep, I need to do something." Try to sleep. Just try. Oh god. What if I forgot to do something? Did I feed my animals? Did I shut the oven off? Did I put my things away? Did I pack my lunch? Shhhh.... Goodnight.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Side effects of depression and anxiety.

According to Google.com "Depression and anxiety disorders are different, but people with depression often experience symptoms similar to those of an anxiety disorder, such as nervousness, irritability, and problems sleeping and concentrating. But each disorder has its own causes and its own emotional and behavioral symptoms."

People often feel as if it is a constant battle between both disorders. You're wide awake, but exhausted at the same time. You're worried you won't finish something, but you have no motivation to try. You constantly feel down all the time. You even cry for no reason at all.

It's important to never give up.

It is easy to say "Do not let your mental health problems define you." However, if you fight every single day. You CAN live with them. It isn't easy, but every step gets you higher. Believe in yourself each day. You are your own judge. No one else. Believe you can be, and you will be.