Little Moments

I have sat and actually said to people I didn't know what it was like to be happy. That I have never truly been happy.  Those words left my mouth on more than one occasion.  However as I sit here today trying to think of something to write about, I keep coming back to these little moments I wish would have lasted longer.  Moments I would love to have again.  They replay in my mind now like a movie long lost and out of production.  One that I've searched everywhere for but cannot find.

I'm not talking about the big moments.  Like the first time we hold our newborn children.  We sit and we count every finger and every toe.  Committing every last hair to memory.  The day of our weddings is photographed and videoed to be viewed later as many times as we would like to revisit the celebration.  Birthdays and anniversaries are all special days reserved for celebrating and expected to carry some weight in our psyche for happiness.  With the exception of my children's births, the others have all been tainted by hurt and betrayal to ever hold a place on my happy meter again.  Christmas and New Years no longer hold weight with me either because I only have my children half a day so what good is it.  I'm much too broke to compete with my boys' father as far as gifts go.  I don't even try anymore.  I simply get what I can and hope one day they understand.  They say thank you and that they love it, but I can see the disappointed look hidden behind their smiles.  No there is no happiness there for me.

My happiness comes from moments no one thinks to bring a  camera.  The ones you can't plan.  Like the one night on messenger talking and changing nicknames back and forth to see who would get offended first.  It started out innocent enough a few days before with things like hooker, blue waffle, and things of that nature.  But as we all know late-night conversations get weird or they get personal.  And it became two people neither of us liked and their slave and their ass kisser.  Getting more and more depraved as it went.  I was laughing the whole time, my cheeks and my stomach hurt so much.  It was like I had spent hours at the gym.  And then I was called the one's wife.  I just laughed, figuring I would come up with something and the game would continue.  But no that's not what happened.  They had grossed themselves out.  Made themselves jealous.  Because it wasn't a name change notification I got.  It was "I gotta change that, think I just made myself sick".  I just laughed harder.  Didn't matter I had won the game by default, but the thought that he got jealous over seeing my name as someone else's wife was crazy to me.  But that's what it sounded like.  And I liked it.  In that moment; I was happy.

The first time that person you really like texts you first.  When you are feeling insecure and you say to them "I'm scared you're gonna find someone you like better" and they, in turn, say "I don't see that happening".  When you realize they really do get jealous because they let it slip and you push them to admit it.  Even if they feel like they sold their soul to the devil. You know it's more than they let on to be. The little things that you don't notice are going to mean so much.  The moments you are going to hold onto when things get tough.  Those are the moments we are truly happy.  Somehow we miss it in the moment and fail to commit enough of the feeling to memory and forever end up saying "I don't think I've ever truly been happy".

Why is it that these moments are so easy to forget, yet one slip of the tongue in an even smaller moment of hurt or anger all too easy to remember?  Should we not try harder to hang on to the laughter and let the tears flow away like water in a storm drain?  I will never again say I don't know what it feels like to have been happy.  I will now say I remember that feeling well, and I look forward to the next little moment it finds me in.

When it finds me again, I will smile like I did that night I first realized I knew happy.