Limiting Beliefs

She seemed to be such a far and distant memory... a whim, perhaps - a mirage of life - unsure that she truly existed.

She was a creator, a strength of life that seemed resemble a unicorn, given the situation she had corrupted from. Unable to defect, a failure to launch...

Sometimes there was a smile so bright and a laugh so melodic - a sexual force to be reckoned with when activated. A sultry siren, the gentle way her hair fell in front of her eyes, partially obstructing her view of the outside world she was too afraid to be a part of - her corpulent body, a protectant. Both still and stirring - the anxiety was far too much for her to bear - only easier to wash it down with an addiction.

At one time, though, there were parts of her mania I basked in. A surge of energy and flicker of life she had portrayed made things seem worthwhile. As if there were life to touch - it was special and made others feel alive. Then it dawned on me that this, too, would die - as most exuberant life eventually meets a quick demise. Another metamorphosis on the horizon? Unbeknownst to all - what would become of the remains - would there be remains to view?

All I can say, love, is that I adored the way you always wanted to see the best in others. When they did not believe there one within themselves - you truly wanted to make them feel ok. You wanted them to feel okay because you know what it's like when you weren't ok, and you felt so lost and alone.

I loved that you were always so passionate about your stance - but still open to others' opinions. You would always be so open to listen, even if you had your snap judgements - open to reason - you then found your own middle-ground opinion.

I love that you really want to better yourself and trust yourself more - instead of relying on the opinions of others and then being angry about it later.

I love that you want to hype yourself up now - so you can gain the confidence that you need. The empathy and safety no one showed you as a child - you realize that it lies, now, within yourself.

I love that you no longer desire the external validation from others to validate your existence. That your dependence on anyone around you - to show approval or even dissatisfaction is not indicative of your life and the force you have within you. It's becoming less and less of a factor in your life.

I love that you realize that you are influx, and your healing is not linear - you give yourself the room and the patience to be better with time. Even a little step backwards isn't an excuse to beat yourself up - that is all you know. Now, you have learned that you are actually a perfectionist is not only overwhelming, but the antithesis of anything helpful. Now, you keep looking ahead - instead of pitying what you've left in your wake.

I love that you realize that your shortcomings aren't really shortcomings at all - and the fact remains that your self-awareness is awe-inspiring.

I adore that you are open, and honest with your feelings and admit when you don't get things out quite right. You admit that you might have hurt someone, unintentionally, you are not perfect and never want to be. While you know that your words can be venomous and ill-conceived at times - deep down it's coming from fear.

I love that you still attempted to revisit past loves - and even though it didn't give you the happiness you once felt, you took the time to grieve that you aren't the same person anymore. I love that you are giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and allowing yourself the to be more patient, as it does not come naturally to you. I love that you are parenting yourself the way you needed, as you were out there fighting battles alone.

But, most of all Barbara, I love you for your strength of character, kindness and empathy that sometimes eludes you. I know you can't see it right now - you will find your way. Through all things that have happened - you are still here.

You still have the time

You still have the time

You have survived

You are surviving

You will learn to thrive

I believe in you. I trust - YOU

I love you