Lighthouse of The Heart

(AN: This is a dramatization of what I saw in my therapy session. I was quite terrified when I saw this vivid picture circling around my heart. In writing this, I hope to either inspire others or give confidence to anyone who needs it.)

My therapist ask me to focus on my heart, or what lay around it. So I did. Looking inwardly I started to search deeper. Things became dark. I remember closing my eyes before she asked the questions, but this was unnatural darkness. It felt like even if I wanted to open my eyes and let the light back in, nothing would replace the emptiness.

I continued to wade through the inky darkness yearning to find my heart, the organ I'd heard so much about. But nothing approached me in the void.

By this point, I was frightened. I began to cry for the first time in ages as I informed the therapist sitting across from me that I couldn't find my heart. She was very patient with me and told me to keep searching.

So I did. Panic rose inside me as I began to realize, I had shut off all my emotions for so long... I couldn't find my own heart.

She continued to be patient with me. But this time I informed her I felt nothing, not only was I missing my heart in my mind's eye, but I was unable to feel anything. A feeling of horror rushed over me as she helped me to understand it was okay to feel, and that there should be something in that void.

We continued onward. Still, only darkness lay before me, but my therapist helped calm me down. Then she leads me further. A large lighthouse appeared.

At first, all I was saw the lighthouse searching with its beam for something. I told her, and she affirmed that might happen to someone like me. Instead of emotions appearing, images come forth to present the issue.

More dread filled me as I realized I was frightened of the beam. I didn't want the lighthouse to find what it was searching for. Hiding became the only thought I could think of. Looking around I frantically wanted to take up whatever the beam searched for and keep it back.

As I continued to try and figure out what hid from the light, more began to appear before me. The lighthouse was on a lonely island. Dark storm clouds began to filter out any light but that coming from the island. Menacing seas spread out before my feet, and I noticed for the first time. My emotions hid amongst the clouds and the seas.

I wept in front of my therapist. The first time anyone had seen me cry in years, was in front of someone I barely knew. My emotions writhed and slithered under the chaotic surface of the sea. Floating about in the clouds more of my emotions dodged the beams from the lighthouse.

That's where we had to stop. I was out of time. But I felt it necessary to write this imagery down if anything mainly for myself. One day I hope to clear up the lighthouse and see a different picture. A happy one that allows me to feel and understand that it's okay.

At the moment I am terribly frightened to feel. I've been hurt so many times, and each time I was told to get over it or quiet down. Living in a family that doesn't like weakness emotionally and expects you to be perfect breeds such desires to bottle up.

I've been pushed too far. I'm not happy with myself. Each day I wake up and look in the mirror and see someone different. I'm not claiming to have split personality disorder, but I don't know who I am. I've built up so many personas to please others, including my family, that I've lost who's behind all those masks.

Please, please don't lose yourself. I've suffered so much. Loss of direction, lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, hate, pride, and jealousy. Keep yourself. Understand that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. I don't wish this upon anyone, because it's frightening to look inside yourself... And see nothing.